The Dangers of Playing with Fire.

The time is 10:33 P.M. and for the first time all is quiet. However I still have plenty to say. Today’s topics rage from Wildfires to online dating. I dressed up as the California Wildfires for Halloween. It was hilarious and I will post pictures on Facebook.

Speaking of wildfires I know what caused them: Sex did. You see Tom Nelson said sex is like a fire. In it’s proper place in marriage it like a warm fire in a fireplace. Outside of marriage it becomes like a wildfire that can destroy everything. Therefore, with all these fires breaking out, there must be a lot of people in California having sex outside of marriage. Which is exactly the reason I am moving there.

So my parents and a few other older couples at Firewheel Fellowship Church are now in charge of the senior adults Sunday school class. They met at our house one night to discuss the future of their class as well as what to name it. Now the people in charge of the Sunday school want them to name the class Stage 3, which I think is lame. Instead I have come up with my own list of names for the senior citizens class at church. I think my dad is actually going to read this list at their next meeting.

1. The Sanhedrin

2. Last Call

3. Redeemer Bible Church Garland.

4. Stage 12

5. Senior Moments

6. The Remnant

7. The Viagra 9

8. Sons of Methuselah

I was really surprised to learn that Methuselah and Sanhedrin were both in spell check. Who knew?

I have been really bored with pretty much everything lately (Especially Church) and so I have been messing around with free online dating services. Online dating has become very acceptable in the last few years and to be honest, it’s probably a lot better then some of the systems we have now. I do not plan on partaking in it yet, but I was curious to see what was out there. Along the way I learned a few tips I now pass on to you. Please note these are from a guy’s perspective. Sorry girls.

1. Do not place a picture of you with a friend if your friend is hotter then you. What follows is the thought process for us guys…”DAMN! She’s hot!” then we realize that is the friend, not you and it’s “damn, it’s a friend.” Then we become friends with you just to reach your hot friends, which creates one big mess. It’s just all around a bad idea.

2. Naming your self. Ok you have to pick a name and some subtitle but it seems many girls do not understand the art to this. If you put a name like BTCHGODDESS or TXBTCH, which I have seen, no guy in his right mind will message you. Very few guys think “oh sweet! A total bitch that will be egotistical, selfish and treat me like crap! Just what I wanted!” Usually we look for kind loving gals.

3. Alternately, do not name yourself TOTALHOTTIE4U or HOTNTXS, if you are not a total hottie. It just isn’t cool and no one will take you seriously. Plus liars go to hell.

4. Some of these women scare guys off before we even see your profile. Phrases like ‘lonely and looking” “Awake at night dreaming” “Desperate for Mr. Right” and other phrases just smack of emotional instability and to many episodes of Oprah. Very few guys want to jump into a co-dependent relationship and no guys have subtitles reading: “looking for lonely and desperate.”

5. Here is another bit of advice. Most of these profiles include comments about how these women want to be treated seriously and with respect. However, the first thing you see is their profile picture with tons of cleavage hanging out everywhere in a low cut shirt, spaghetti strap shirt with high cut mid-rift as well. Yeah, nothing say treat me with respect like showing off your body to a guy to get attention.

6. Don’t mention that you just got out of a relationship. I have read some that actually say, “Just broke with boyfriend of _ years. Looking to date etc…” Yeah, REALLY healthy signals your sending there princess.

Speaking of which, don’t call yourself a princess either. While you may deserve to be treated like one, it comes across as pretty arrogant to be calling yourself that. I know, I call myself a Czar, but that is totally different.

Now there is an issue that is absolutely demanding to be dealt with in my blog next week. It has risen to a crisis level and I cannot ignore it any longer. I speak of course of the broadcast refuse known as Dancing with the Stars. Until then, look for me online as LONELYHOTCZAR4U.

Penguins on Parade

Greetings fair citizens. Today we mock Scientology but first...

It’s 9:00 P.M. and I am listening to various musicians pay to tribute to Carter Albrecht, local legend and music icon. He was a member of the local band Sorta and has made big headlines lately because he was shot and killed in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, the point is, there is tribute to him tonight, with various friends all playing his songs and reminiscing about him. It’s pretty good. Somehow I accidentally bought a CD of this girl that has been playing, but she was cute so oh well. Now let’s have some fun.

I almost didn’t pick on Scientology because it is to easy, sort of like picking on the fat kid in high school. (Which was pretty much me.) but I could not resist. Now to set this up it must be known that one of Scientology’s claims is that they can cure homosexuality, and if you think about it, who are two of it’s biggest stars? Tom Cruise and John Travolta, both rumored to be gay. So I started thinking, what other claims does Scientology make in order to attract people into joining. Here are a few I found.

Kirstie Alley – Scientology can cure obesity and addiction to Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Jesse Jackson – A cure to complete and utter social irrelevance.

Patrick Stewart- They can cure baldness. (A proposition I would be tempted to buy into.)

Kevin Costner – They can cure an unnatural desire to make bad baseball movies.

Brittany Spears – They can’t help her career but they can teach her to keep her panties on.

Magic Johnson – AIDS. (Yes, I just made an Aids joke, deal with it.)

Bob Dole – E.D. –but he would lose his Viagra sponsorship.

George Bush – A cure to bad foreign policy.

O.J. Simpson – A true fix to homicidal tendencies.

Donald Trump – Being an arrogant bastard.

Ted Kennedy – If anyone can cure a Kennedy of alcoholism, they can. Now if only they could resurrect his dead relatives.

Incredible Hulk – a cure for those anger issues.

Ok that’s enough of that for now. Let’s turn our eyes elsewhere…

Penguins March Against Global Warming.

Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica, - A plethora of Penguins, dressed to the nines, gathered on the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica, for the now historical Million Penguin March against Global Warming.

Scientist of the Bjorn Norwegian research station were in awe of the gathering. “It was amazing, suddenly out of nowhere, thousands of penguins began to converge on this one ice shelf.” Leif Svenoric said. “It was kind of freaky too, like the Doo-bee Doo-bee Doo Bud light commercials. We could only hope their intentions were peaceful. There was no way we could fight off that many of them and being pecked to death by little birds in tuxedos is last on my list of ways to die, which is right below freezing to death in some God forsaken ice land.”

“We can only assume they are protesting Global Warming.” Leif continued. “Since they could not gather in Washington or Prague, they are doing the best they can. Maybe now the world will take them seriously.”

The Penguins, for their part, waddled around a lot, jumped up and down, and then made a giant slide in the ice that the baby penguins played on.

It was not long before other creatures, also threatened by global warming, added their own weight to the gathering. Orca whales, several dozen of them, formed up on the edge of the ice shelf, seemingly cheering the Penguins on.

However, it wasn’t long before this peaceful protest of natural harmony was interrupted by disaster. As if to underscore the seriousness of the situation, the Ross Ice Shelf, already thin from global warming, shattered under the weight of a million Penguins, hurling them all into the sea below. At that point the Killer whales true intentions became clear as a feeding frenzy erupted.

“It was like an all you can eat bird buffet.” As Lief described it. Scientist shrieked in horror as the normally clear blue cold Antarctic water churned an icy blood red.

“We couldn’t believe what we were watching. The horror of it will haunt me all my life.” Says Svenoric as he takes another bite of pit roasted BBQ Penguin. “On the flip side, we did discover a great new food source”

This was my cat Sputnik. He was cylindrical and pointy. He was a stray just like me. I miss him.

Well, that’s about it for now good citizens of New Prussia. Keep on fighting. Next year in Berlin!

Oh Chaplain, My Chaplain

The time is 2:30 and as per usual I am rocking out to Wilco. Their concert is in a week so I have to get ready for it. I am still in the planning stages of moving to California. I just spent 600$ on car repairs so that might set me back a little but it’s better to get it done now then wait until my car breaks down and I am stuck in some God forsaken part of New Mexico or Arizona, waiting for help, only to end up in a scene that could be part of The Hills Have Eyes 3.

So my dad is a chaplain for a hospice. I have always admired my dad’s ministry and how he is able to encourage people and reach out to those in very desperate situations. However, it got me thinking about other chaplain jobs available and what they would be like.

Dallas Cowboys: Yes, the ‘boys have a chaplain on staff. I would probably die from excitement if my dad got this job. I wonder what it is like? Is the Bible your playbook? Instead of a clipboard with plays do you walk around with a clipboard of tracks? Maybe you teach players the 3:16 Defense instead of the 3:4. Do you implement a Romans Road offense or more of a free will scheme that allows players to make plays on their own? Of course, watch out for the Redskins, they are all going to hell.

Charlie Chaplain: Okay, bad pun but I had to add it. I would hate to see my dad walking around with a little black moustache, black derby and cane. Besides, Charlie Chaplain was an Atheist, pretty ironic considering his last name.

Army Chaplain: A very noble profession but I can’t help but picture some big bad ass chaplain running around all tough and yelling at soldiers; “Are you saved, soldier?” –“Sir yes sir!” – “Do you want to go to hell!”- “NO SIR!”. “What’s hell for soldier?” –“Hell is for the Taliban sir!” –“What army are you in?” –“I’m in the Lord’s army, yes sir!” They then bust into an entertaining round of “I may actually march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, and shoot the artillery, but I’m in the Lord’s army.” It seems Baptists would excel at this profession.

Chaplain to the Senate: Yes, the United States Senate has a chaplain on staff. I have to think this is probably the most bored chaplain in the country. He has no ministry and sits around all day doing nothing because let’s face, no politician has a conscious, and they certainly aren’t going to seek spiritual guidance, unless maybe there is a scandal. Which leads us to…

Senator Larry Craig- caught soliciting gay sex in men's public restrooms. Congress has discussed launching a probe to investigate this matter, but seriously, it seems to me that Senator Craig has been probed enough already as it is.

How does one just solicit sex in a men's restroom anyway? It seems pretty forward. "Um excuse me, would you mind picking up that roll of toilet paper for me?" Do you think he tried it at the men's restroom on Capitol Hill? "Excuse me but, would you be interested in...oh my apologies Hillary, I didn't realize that was you in there." Maybe he could get Ted Kennedy drunk.

I'm trying to think of name for my California trip planning. Maybe Operation Bikini or something like that. Anyways, until next time, have fun.

Greetings all, the time is 11:54 and I am listening to These Eyes, by The Guess Who. A random band from the 70s, but a great song none-the-less. So for those of you who don’t know, I have decided to try and move to California. Yes that’s right, it’s high time I hit the road. I really have little reason to be here anymore, outside of family. I have more good friends there then I do here right now. I am completely bored and uninspired here and while I do not want to flatter myself, one friend said to me “you are to smart to stay in Dallas,” which I appreciated greatly. How often do you get then chance to go live somewhere as cool as Southern California? Anyways, hopefully, Lord willing I will be out there soon. Now for some random stuff.

A 70 year old butt naked white man. That was NOT what I was expecting to see when I turned the corner into the men’s locker room at 24 Hour Fitness, yet that was the vivid image I was confronted with and now forced to deal with. He was just there, next to the sinks, not doing much of anything. I blinked and quickly turned the corner to the lockers. Now the showers are tucked nicely away around the corners and each one has a little cubby that you can use to dry off and change in, but no not this brave elderly gentleman.

He proudly stands with his sagging belly and pasty skin for all to see. I quickly put my stuff in my locker and gave it a minute or so. Maybe he will be gone by now, or even better, have clothes on. I take a breath and turn the corner. There he is, butt naked still, bending over and rubbing lotion on his legs. I shudder and run. The image still haunts me to this day and I quiver before I enter the locker room from now on.

This sounds like a Miller Lights Real Men of Genius advertisement, you know, we salute you, Mr. Proud-To-Be-Old-And-Butt-Naked. You, who proudly displays your pasty white gut and your purple veins. When older normal men would show even a modicum of modesty and restraint, you bare it all for everyone around you to see.

This next part I wrote just to practice writing..

Here is a profile of a customer of ours. I have changed the name to supposedly protect the innocent here but lets face it, anyone reading this that works at my store will know who he is. Raphael always walks in looking a little lost, as if he isn’t sure where he is or at least, what café he is at. I am sure that if he didn’t have a note to remind himself every morning, he would forget to put his pats on. I have seen him at various other coffee shops throughout the area at equally various times of night. He’s an accountant and seems to live in his own little world, oblivious to most other things around him. His mind must be a chalkboard filled with equations and numbers, consigns and statistics, logarithms and proofs. There could be an abacus tucked away in there as well. He always orders a doppio macchiato, always, but half of the time he fumbles around as if he is trying to think of it. He sits down and starts reading the paper or possibly works a crossword puzzle. You call his drink three times and give up because more often then not he forgets about it. He also has a little Chihuahua that stays in his car, unless he sits outside. Then he lets the little runt out. He is, beyond all doubt, hopelessly single. Perhaps that’s why he is so wrapped up in his own little world of mathematics and theories.

Anyways, not much else in the way of news here. Catch you later.

Blog Con

It is 8:12 P.M. I am at a Starbucks and listening to the new Feist album. I really like about half of it, the other half is decent. Anyways, as some of you, but hopefully not very many of you may know, I recently went to the premier nerd convention in the country, Comic-Con. I have to admit I was pretty skeptical going into this thing but after it’s all been said and done, I must admit I was impressed. This is no mere small time Lone Star Comics show. This place transcends all of nerdom. It has TV, film, comics, art, video games, vendors and more programs then the Neo could hack through. They showed sneak previews for the pilot episodes of the Bionic Woman and The Sarah Conner Chronicles (from terminator) and afterwards the cast and crew did Q&A’s. Additionally the cast and crew of Hero’s, Futurama and Battlestar Galactica showed up for Q&A’s. Names like Ray Bradbury, Neil Gaiman, Frank Miller, Stan Lee and scores of artist, writers and actors were present and it was even rumored that Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba made appearances too. It was quite a show. Of course there were scores of people dressed up in various costumes, some come cool, some lame, and some very revealing. I have decided I will have to divide this into two blogs rather then one blog larger then a Balrog. I will post some pictures to at some point here.

But now, I have a top ten list and article for you to read.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Comic-Con

10. Discovering the frozen bliss that is Yugurtland.

9. Vendor babes who act mildly interested in you just to sell you crap.

8. Clogged Toilets at the Holiday Inn.

7. Nothing cooler then cruising around San Diego in a minivan.

6. Think you’re life is bitter? Try being Will Eaton. (Wesley Crusher for you non nerds)

5. After seeing some of these people, suddenly I don’t feel nearly as nerdy as I used to.

4. Summer Glau in person.

3. It’s good knowing you’re not the only virgin out there.

2. Men dressed as Spartan’s who obviously need to go to the gays in comics workshop.

and the number one reason to attend comic-con…

1. Princess Leia Slave Girl Outfits!!!!!!!!!!

Nerds Descend on San Diego, Thousands Flee.

July 26-29, San Diego, in what can only be described as a nightmarish scene from some sort of hell for jocks, 130,000 some odd nerds, geeks and weirdo’s invaded the normally chill city of San Diego, CA.

Local residents fled by car, tram, plane, ships, blimp, you name it, trying to avoid the plague that had descended upon them. Many other residents had become accustomed to the yearly migration and were fully prepared, having found ways to cope in years past.

“The important thing to do is not let their nerdiness rub off you.” Says Robert Mitchell, a banker who lives in the greater San Diego area. “I try to do all the cool things I can that weekend, things they would never do. Go places they would never go. I usually go surfing that weekend and I try to bag at least two different chicks. They avoid the beaches since most of them have never seen the sunlight. Bars are another decent bet since at least half of them can’t get in. Going to a frat party is another good idea.”

Unfortunately there are those innocent victims who did not know any better. Many were on vacation in San Diego and found their normally fun trips ruined by roving bands of stormtroopers and animae look a likes.

“My and my friends came down here to party this weekend,” says Todd Archer college student and member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, “When we got down here we were really freaked out. Where are all the babes? Instead I was hit on by a girl wearing blue paint. I think my friend slept with a Jawa. It was horrible. The entire trip was ruined.”

The city of San Diego has considered issuing nation wide travel warning for this time year. Perhaps it is time they do before it’s to late.

Of course, now that I'm back in town, I'm faced with the dilemma of trying to explain to people that I went all the way down to San Diego with my college buddies and we didn’t party or chase girls, while trying to avoid telling them exactly what we did do. Dang, the life of a nerd is hard. Later gang.

Back From the Wild

Greetings fair citizens, the time is 8:45 and I am listening to Wilco- Being There, one of their earliest CD’s but it rocks.

Now I know it has been some time since I have blogged sweetly and I have to confess that I had been quite uninspired and maybe even down right bored as of late. However I am trying to force myself to get back into the swing of things.

So my dad and I went to Yellowstone National Park a little over a month ago. It was glorious and consisted of some good father/son time with no arguments, believe it or not. We saw lots of animals and due to how early in the year it was many of them had just given birth or were doing so while we were there. The mountains were gorgeous and on our first day there it actually snowed. The rest of the week the weather was in the 50’s and 60’s. The place is astounding but despite it immense beauty and majesty, in my opinion, the true power of Yellowstone lies in its quiet ability to heal the soul. However, I know you aren’t here to read about how great it was.

I do have a special treat for you today, my journal that I kept while on the trip. So it is with great honor that I present to you what I call….

The Yellow (Stone) Pages:

Mon, 28 May, 2007- Dear Diary, I cannot tell you what a great day it has been. We flew into Salt Lake City, the whitest airport in the world. On the plane I had to go to the bathroom. Let me tell you, using the cramped, smelly, restroom on the plane resulted in a truly great moment in OCD history. I think I can still smell the urine on my hands.

From Salt Lake we got a small turbo prop plane. I sat at the window by the propellers. As we flew, I watched them spinning and I must admit, I felt a little like Indiana Jones on his way to some great adventure, only without the whip, hat, gun, hot girl, or great adventure. Landed in Cody. Went to sleep.

Tues, 29 May, 2007 – Dear Diary, Pa and I woke up early, hopped in the car and began the hour or so drive to the park along the Chief Joseph Highway. Along the way we stopped at a pass that the great Native American leader Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce tribe led his people through as they tired to flee the reservation and escape to Canada. The government caught many of them and forced them back to the reservation. Many also died along the way, however some did escape. I am sure the fact the highway is named after him however makes up for everything. Silly Native Americans, trying to flee the reservation indeed! Arrived in Cooke City and got our rooms for the week.

Wed, 30 May 2007. – Pa and I went hiking. Along the way we ran into our first grizzly bear. We startled it and it was not happy with us. It looked so cute and cuddly until it decided it wanted to eat us. Pa and I ran but the grizzly was faster. While we were running Pa tripped me and I fell down as he ran on. Fortunately, I remembered you were supposed to play dead in this situation. The bear sniffed and pawed at me as I lay on the ground, but it got bored and soon left. Pa’s quick thinking saved us all. I named the bear Mr. Chocolate. I wuv you Mr. Chocolate.

Thurs, 31 May 2007 – Dear Diary, I have to be careful writing in you now. Last night Pa caught me and said that only queers and girls keep diaries, and that if he ever caught me again he would beat me and throw me back to Mr. Chocolate. Today we saw a wolf being chased by 3 coyotes, a marmot, a bald eagle and more buffalo then you could drive to extinction. We also saw a red fox.. I decided I want one for a pet. I have heard of people doing this before and I think they are cool. They are the perfect cross between a cat and a dog and let’s face it, they would go great with my hair.

Fri, 1 June 2007 - Dear Diary- I miss my Mom and cried last night after we went to bed. We will be home soon though. This was the last full day in the park. We saw the geysers and mud pools. It was scary but neat. We found a spot where they have these steaming hot pools of water. The sulfur smelled like rotten eggs and reminded me of the time I ate chilidogs at the Dairyette. We decided to try and cook hot dogs over the boiling water. I made a joke about having an old geezer by an old geyser. Pa laughed and then pushed me in. The searing hot water really burned and left marks on my body but afterwards I had to admit, it was pretty funny.

Sat, 2 June 2007 – Dearest of Diaries today was the last day of the trip. We drove through the park one last time. Pa asked me if I wanted him to just leave me here while he went back to Dallas. I was flattered that he wanted my vacation to continue even when his ended but I decided that I didn’t want to stay after all. He looked disappointed. That night we drove back to Cody and ate Pizza Hut. Good-bye Mr. Chocolate.

Sun, 3 June 2007 – Dear Diary - We flew back to Dallas today. Mom was waiting for us at the airport. It was good to see her again and I told her all about the great time Pa and I had together. I can’t wait until some day I have my own son to take such great trips with.

Well as you can see, at my father’s expense, we had a fun time together and it was nice to go nearly a whole week without seeing a Starbucks. I really did make the joke about having an old geezer by an old geyser. I’ll try and post a couple of pictures soon. Catch ya later.

Yellowstone, Here I Roam

The time is 9:15 and I am listening to Wilco’s new album. It is, of course, brilliant. Now normally I go to a quiet little coffee shop on Northwest Highway but tonight I felt like doing something different. I felt like going somewhere cool and trendy, so I went to the Starbucks in Uptown. Now I have mixed feelings about places like this. They are cute and fun for a while, and I like some of the stores and styles that I see along the way, but eventually I get tired of it. Eventually it becomes that impossibly fake and hopelessly shallow North Dallas feel that I hate so much, even though it’s near downtown. Pretty people in cool clothes and acting like they have it all together. I prefer to call it UpYours.

So as an addendum to my last entrée, I thought of another power I would like to have. Optical Eye Zoom I would call it, the ability for my eyes to zoom in on one thing across the room and see it clearly. Let’s say I am sitting here and across they way a young man is reading a book. He is in deep thought and has a look of consternation on his face. Is it a graphic novel? Is it something by C.S. Lewis? I do not know, but if I had eye zoom I could focus in on it and see what it is. If it was C.S. Lewis I could then pray for the young lad to have understanding. Better yet, if it is a cute girl reading C.S. Lewis and then I could go over there and ask her what she thinks of, stating that I too, was a Lewis fan and quite familiar with his works. That would be cool.

I have two new inventions for you tonight.

The All New Club for Dogs: I have heard of people getting their dogs chipped with tracking devices so that if they escape and get loose they can be found. My friend Scott’s dog, Cody, is a good example of this. Well, he was, Cody is too fat to go anywhere now days, but he used to be. So if they are chipped, they could still get out and get run over etc. That’s why I propose the club, for dogs. It works like the club for cars really. You attach it to the front leg on one side, and cross underneath the dog and attach the other end to the opposite back foot. Then turn the lock and presto! Your dog can’t walk anywhere! I would advice putting a food bowl next to him in case he gets hungry. I am also currently working on a Club for children too.

The TZ-2 Self Defense Cell Phone: Phones these days do everything. They play MP3’s, download email, re-shingle houses, surf the net, hold entire day planners, you name it. Why not have one for self-defense? My phone comes with a built in Taser that you can use to stun somebody if you ever feel threatened. Great for women especially. Just Zap! And they are down for the count. Please be careful not accidentally zap yourself while you are talking on the phone. If you could create an EMP explosion without setting off a nuke I would make a phone with an EMP device as well.

I went to the dentist the other day. I have a complaint here. Every time I go they give me nothing but bad news. This probably corresponds directly to the fact that I never go until I feel something is wrong. Most of you have probably heard Bill Cosby’s famous bit about the dentist. I have my own rant as well. Namely this. They take your X-rays and what do they do? They put this big lead cover your body to protect you. Never mind the fact they have a freakin’ LASER pointed right at your unshielded face! I’m like, oh ok this thing is dangerous enough to put a lead blanket over my body but you can aim it directly at my head for some reason? I don’t get it.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I am going to Yellowstone National Park next week so hopefully I will come back with some good new material. Take care, next year in Berlin.

Red Czar Diaries

The time is 8:15 and I am listening to the mixed cacophony of various conversations, coffee grinders, and music that is playing on the floor below me. In my lat blog, I mentioned I was going to make fun of Thomas Kincade, Painter of light. However, to do so properly I need my digital camera, which I lost in New York. So the Thomas Kincade entry will have to wait until I can borrow one. Instead here are some quick hits to amuse you.

Secret Confessions of the Czar:

1. Don’t you hate it when, you awaken some powerful and ancient evil, thinking that by doing so it will in turn show you favor and instead it completely turns on you? I hate it when that happens, it’s such a buzz kill.

2. Sometimes, when I make a fast hand or arm motion, I wish that a
”swish” sound effect would play, just like in the cheesy 70’s Kung Fu and Ninja movies. Alternately, and much more often, when I move slow and deliberately, I wish a mechanical robotic whirring noise would play.

3. I also wish whenever I enter a room that the Imperial march from Star Wars would play. I would love to have this play when the groomsmen and I walk out for my wedding, however I really don’t want a Star Wars theme wedding. Now Lord of the Rings….

4. This is weird, but often when I see a bug like a mosquito flying around my head, I wish I was part lizard and could whip out a long slender tongue and gobble it down. It’s not so much that I want to eat bugs, I just think of the look on the bugs face as the completely unexpected happens.

5. I also occasionally wish that my finger could mold into the shape of keys for any lock and instead of using a key I could just use my finger. I would never misplace my keys again.

6. Have you ever noticed how strange the word weird is? What is the rule they teach you in elementary school? I before E, except after C. However in a self-fulfilling move the word weird lives up to it’s own definition and is spelt with the E before the I without the presence of the C.


There are some other more generic things to, like snapping my finger to clean my room like Mary Poppins did, or being able to fly or breath underwater, but these are some of the more unique ones.

Perhaps you have some strange secret desire? If so please let me know. I would love to hear them.

It has been brought to my attention from my fellow watchdogs of Christian culture that there is now a Christian version of YouTube. It is called GodTube and can be found at www.godtube.com . Maybe God can post some videos of himself? I fail to see why anyone would ever create such stupid web site. It has inspired me, nonetheless, to create my own set of Christian web sites.

-El Shaddai Tunes- A place for Christian music trading. (Especially Amy Grant)

-AlphaOmega- A Christian search engine.

-Predestination Station- I know we already have equally yoked, but this is my own dating site for those meant to be.

-Girls Gone Wild for God- Check out videos of hot Christian chicks serving the Lord on spring break mission trips.

-AOHell - An internet provider for Christians

Pearly Gateway- Where Christians can buy computers.


Well that about does it for now. Catch you later.

Start Spreading the News

Hello fair citizens of New Prussia, the time is 3:30 and I am currently listening to Josh Ritter. Anyways, I went to New York last week to visit my friend and confidant Andrew. It was a blast and I have a few comments on it, but first, here is a new product.

New from the Land of the Burning Sands comes:





That’s right, Liquid Jihad, the new energy drink. So strap one on and take a shot. Remember, it’s the bomb!

Now that is done, we can move on to New York. It is a fabulous town and here are some of the highlights:

-Losing my digital camera

-Nearly getting trampled by a giant rat in the subway

-Freezing my butt of in 20-degree sleet and snow while walking in the streets of Manhattan.

-Incredibly sore legs from trying to keep up with other New Yorkers and the hyper speed walking they do.

Ok for real. It was a blast none-the-less. We did a lot of touristy stuff. Went to the improv comedy of Upright Citizens Brigade. Took a tour of NBC studios and saw Julia Louis Dryfus rehearsing as the weekly host. I also came away with more class and intelligence from touring the Metropolitan Museum. And that’s just a few of the many and wonderful things I experienced. With the improv show and the NBC tours with my love of Conan O’Brien, SNL and other sketch comedy, it was very inspirational and got me thinking again of how cool it would be to live up there and write for something like that.

Now I have to say, while in the Rockefeller Center we stopped at one of the many eateries there. Andrew chose a place called China Hunan or something Asian sounding like that. I was in shock. How could you be in that building and name your company China Hunan! Why not name the most obvious name of all: Wok-efeller. I couldn’t believe it.

It goes back to the same idea of when Andrew and I went to Gettysburg a couple years ago and we an Italian food place with some generic sounding Italian name. I then thought, why not name is Spaghettis-berg. I guess people in marketing don’t think like I do.

One other note, I decided to name my band Jefferson Car Bomb, although Czars of Clay was a really good option Andy.

All right gang, have a good day. Just tease my next entry I am going to discuss (i.e. Mock) the legendary Christian artist Thomas Kinkade. Peace.

I Have A New Calling In Life

Ok. For some reason I have to use my Gmail for Blogspot now and I can’t get onto gmail with my laptop due to a strange crash, but I finally managed.

Right-o, here I am at the ole’ coffee shop and it is open mic night for Jesuit High, which has consisted of a smattering of poetry on social injustice and one man acoustic guitar jams. Oh well. If I had something like this in High School I would have probably loved it too. So sorry to take so long on making a new post, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and most of my writing has been devoted to elsewhere. I do have a new calling in life, so please, by all means, read on.

It was asked of me if I had any New Years resolutions this year. To be honest I don’t make New Years resolutions per se, but around the time of New Year’s I did decide to try a couple new things, so I guess they could be considered resolutions in a way. First, Starbucks has a deal with 24-hour fitness that allows us to join them for cheap and no contracts, so I decided I needed to get back in shape and joined up with them.

Secondly, I decided if possible that I would learn to play guitar as well. I have a secondary motive in that I hope it helps me score chicks but to be honest, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m not getting any younger. So I borrowed my brother’s Axe (that’s 80’s rock for guitar) a sweet Ibanez Steve Vai edition. (Insert crazy 80s rift here.) This has led to perhaps my greatest calling. I thought all this time I was going to be a writer, it turns out I am going to be a worship leader. That’s right, as soon as I get good enough, I am going to start my own traveling praise and worship show, just like David Crowder or Shane and Shane. By all means this should at least help me get Christian chicks.

I have already picked out a name for my band. It is going to be called “Jeff Jordan’s Happy God Squad Band” or something like that. I will write great hits with titles like “Praise Him,” “Praise Him Some More,” “Still Praising Him,” “How About Some More Praise Anyone?” and when I get my corporate Dr. Pepper sponsorship, “Praise Him at 10, 2 and 4.” I can’t wait.

It’s funny, most of you know my dislike for such groups, however when I tell other people I know at work or wherever that I don’t like such bands they stare at me like I am crazy. I do it now just for shock value.

Another Great Christian Product:

I have another brilliant idea for Christian Culture to buy into. It is the all new Photo Album Bible. This a fully operational Bible that also has photo sleeves in certain parts for you to place pictures in. Picture this “give thanks to Lord, for He is good.” Now place a picture of someone you are thankful for in the sleeve next to the verse. The possibilities are endless, for the fruits of the Spirit, place a picture of somebody who exhibits a particular fruit. How about, “love thy neighbor” place pictures of your neighbors. “Love thy enemy,” place a picture of your enemy! “Thou shall not murder,” place a picture of somebody you wish you could murder. The possibilities are endless.

Anyways, it’s a great idea and I could probably make tons of cash off of it, but then I would be a hypocrite because I hate this kind of stuff.

Catch you later.

24 Hour Torture

Greetings fair citizens and immigrants alike. I am sorry it has taken so long to right another entry. I have been working on a couple of short stories and thus most of my writing time has been consumed with that. However, here we are with another entry so let us continue.

I became a member of a torture chamber the other day. Now I can be in pain whenever I want. You see, I signed up for a membership at 24-hour fitness. Starbucks has a pretty good deal for their employees to join so I sucked it up and joined. I kid you not though when I say that upon walking in and seeing rows and rows of complicated equipment, with weights, gears and cables that it really did remind of some medieval torture chamber. The real irony here is that we have been suckered into paying for our own pain. Prince John would have loved our times.

Speaking of ironies, here is a couple more I thought of:

I find it highly ironic that the boy scouts, who pride themselves on resourcefulness and preparedness, have to have fundraisers every year.
I find it ironic that baby oil actually does not come from freshly squeezed babies.
Steel wool does not come from metal sheep either.

Ok those were lame I admit, especially the last one.

Have you ever wanted to become the president of your own church? Have you had everything in place but you just couldn’t think of a name for it? Well worry no more because I have created the first ever Evangelical Church Naming Kit. Follow the directions here and soon you will the perfect name for your church. First grab a 6-sided dice. Then roll it and find the corresponding word in the first column. Then roll again and find the word in the second column. Lastly roll in the third column and put them all together and presto! Instant ministry.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

1. Fire 1. Creek 1-2. Fellowship
2. Stone 2.Wheel 3-4. Bible
3. Water 3.Hollow 5-6. Bible Fellowship
4. Willow 4. Gate
5. Briar 5. Woods
6. Oak 6. Ridge

See I will give an example. I roll a 5 (Briar) then a 6 (ridge) then a 1. (Fellowship) So my new mega-church will be called Briar Ridge Fellowship

So the might be a bastard series continues:

You might be a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her friend is hotter.

You are defiantly a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her sister is hotter.

You might be a bastard if you break up with your girlfriend on Valentines Day. (I know somebody who did this, and then we popped all the pink balloons she had given him.)

Well that’s about it for now folks. Hope you enjoyed it.