Oh Chaplain, My Chaplain

The time is 2:30 and as per usual I am rocking out to Wilco. Their concert is in a week so I have to get ready for it. I am still in the planning stages of moving to California. I just spent 600$ on car repairs so that might set me back a little but it’s better to get it done now then wait until my car breaks down and I am stuck in some God forsaken part of New Mexico or Arizona, waiting for help, only to end up in a scene that could be part of The Hills Have Eyes 3.

So my dad is a chaplain for a hospice. I have always admired my dad’s ministry and how he is able to encourage people and reach out to those in very desperate situations. However, it got me thinking about other chaplain jobs available and what they would be like.

Dallas Cowboys: Yes, the ‘boys have a chaplain on staff. I would probably die from excitement if my dad got this job. I wonder what it is like? Is the Bible your playbook? Instead of a clipboard with plays do you walk around with a clipboard of tracks? Maybe you teach players the 3:16 Defense instead of the 3:4. Do you implement a Romans Road offense or more of a free will scheme that allows players to make plays on their own? Of course, watch out for the Redskins, they are all going to hell.

Charlie Chaplain: Okay, bad pun but I had to add it. I would hate to see my dad walking around with a little black moustache, black derby and cane. Besides, Charlie Chaplain was an Atheist, pretty ironic considering his last name.

Army Chaplain: A very noble profession but I can’t help but picture some big bad ass chaplain running around all tough and yelling at soldiers; “Are you saved, soldier?” –“Sir yes sir!” – “Do you want to go to hell!”- “NO SIR!”. “What’s hell for soldier?” –“Hell is for the Taliban sir!” –“What army are you in?” –“I’m in the Lord’s army, yes sir!” They then bust into an entertaining round of “I may actually march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, and shoot the artillery, but I’m in the Lord’s army.” It seems Baptists would excel at this profession.

Chaplain to the Senate: Yes, the United States Senate has a chaplain on staff. I have to think this is probably the most bored chaplain in the country. He has no ministry and sits around all day doing nothing because let’s face, no politician has a conscious, and they certainly aren’t going to seek spiritual guidance, unless maybe there is a scandal. Which leads us to…

Senator Larry Craig- caught soliciting gay sex in men's public restrooms. Congress has discussed launching a probe to investigate this matter, but seriously, it seems to me that Senator Craig has been probed enough already as it is.

How does one just solicit sex in a men's restroom anyway? It seems pretty forward. "Um excuse me, would you mind picking up that roll of toilet paper for me?" Do you think he tried it at the men's restroom on Capitol Hill? "Excuse me but, would you be interested in...oh my apologies Hillary, I didn't realize that was you in there." Maybe he could get Ted Kennedy drunk.

I'm trying to think of name for my California trip planning. Maybe Operation Bikini or something like that. Anyways, until next time, have fun.