Yellowstone, Here I Roam

The time is 9:15 and I am listening to Wilco’s new album. It is, of course, brilliant. Now normally I go to a quiet little coffee shop on Northwest Highway but tonight I felt like doing something different. I felt like going somewhere cool and trendy, so I went to the Starbucks in Uptown. Now I have mixed feelings about places like this. They are cute and fun for a while, and I like some of the stores and styles that I see along the way, but eventually I get tired of it. Eventually it becomes that impossibly fake and hopelessly shallow North Dallas feel that I hate so much, even though it’s near downtown. Pretty people in cool clothes and acting like they have it all together. I prefer to call it UpYours.

So as an addendum to my last entrée, I thought of another power I would like to have. Optical Eye Zoom I would call it, the ability for my eyes to zoom in on one thing across the room and see it clearly. Let’s say I am sitting here and across they way a young man is reading a book. He is in deep thought and has a look of consternation on his face. Is it a graphic novel? Is it something by C.S. Lewis? I do not know, but if I had eye zoom I could focus in on it and see what it is. If it was C.S. Lewis I could then pray for the young lad to have understanding. Better yet, if it is a cute girl reading C.S. Lewis and then I could go over there and ask her what she thinks of, stating that I too, was a Lewis fan and quite familiar with his works. That would be cool.

I have two new inventions for you tonight.

The All New Club for Dogs: I have heard of people getting their dogs chipped with tracking devices so that if they escape and get loose they can be found. My friend Scott’s dog, Cody, is a good example of this. Well, he was, Cody is too fat to go anywhere now days, but he used to be. So if they are chipped, they could still get out and get run over etc. That’s why I propose the club, for dogs. It works like the club for cars really. You attach it to the front leg on one side, and cross underneath the dog and attach the other end to the opposite back foot. Then turn the lock and presto! Your dog can’t walk anywhere! I would advice putting a food bowl next to him in case he gets hungry. I am also currently working on a Club for children too.

The TZ-2 Self Defense Cell Phone: Phones these days do everything. They play MP3’s, download email, re-shingle houses, surf the net, hold entire day planners, you name it. Why not have one for self-defense? My phone comes with a built in Taser that you can use to stun somebody if you ever feel threatened. Great for women especially. Just Zap! And they are down for the count. Please be careful not accidentally zap yourself while you are talking on the phone. If you could create an EMP explosion without setting off a nuke I would make a phone with an EMP device as well.

I went to the dentist the other day. I have a complaint here. Every time I go they give me nothing but bad news. This probably corresponds directly to the fact that I never go until I feel something is wrong. Most of you have probably heard Bill Cosby’s famous bit about the dentist. I have my own rant as well. Namely this. They take your X-rays and what do they do? They put this big lead cover your body to protect you. Never mind the fact they have a freakin’ LASER pointed right at your unshielded face! I’m like, oh ok this thing is dangerous enough to put a lead blanket over my body but you can aim it directly at my head for some reason? I don’t get it.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I am going to Yellowstone National Park next week so hopefully I will come back with some good new material. Take care, next year in Berlin.