Greetings fair citizens. Today we mock Scientology but first...
It’s 9:00 P.M. and I am listening to various musicians pay to tribute to Carter Albrecht, local legend and music icon. He was a member of the local band Sorta and has made big headlines lately because he was shot and killed in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, the point is, there is tribute to him tonight, with various friends all playing his songs and reminiscing about him. It’s pretty good. Somehow I accidentally bought a CD of this girl that has been playing, but she was cute so oh well. Now let’s have some fun.
I almost didn’t pick on Scientology because it is to easy, sort of like picking on the fat kid in high school. (Which was pretty much me.) but I could not resist. Now to set this up it must be known that one of Scientology’s claims is that they can cure homosexuality, and if you think about it, who are two of it’s biggest stars? Tom Cruise and John Travolta, both rumored to be gay. So I started thinking, what other claims does Scientology make in order to attract people into joining. Here are a few I found.
Kirstie Alley – Scientology can cure obesity and addiction to Ice Cream Sandwiches.
Jesse Jackson – A cure to complete and utter social irrelevance.
Patrick Stewart- They can cure baldness. (A proposition I would be tempted to buy into.)
Kevin Costner – They can cure an unnatural desire to make bad baseball movies.
Brittany Spears – They can’t help her career but they can teach her to keep her panties on.
Magic Johnson – AIDS. (Yes, I just made an Aids joke, deal with it.)
Bob Dole – E.D. –but he would lose his Viagra sponsorship.
George Bush – A cure to bad foreign policy.
O.J. Simpson – A true fix to homicidal tendencies.
Donald Trump – Being an arrogant bastard.
Ted Kennedy – If anyone can cure a Kennedy of alcoholism, they can. Now if only they could resurrect his dead relatives.
Incredible Hulk – a cure for those anger issues.
Ok that’s enough of that for now. Let’s turn our eyes elsewhere…
Penguins March Against Global Warming.
Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica, - A plethora of Penguins, dressed to the nines, gathered on the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica, for the now historical Million Penguin March against Global Warming.
Scientist of the Bjorn Norwegian research station were in awe of the gathering. “It was amazing, suddenly out of nowhere, thousands of penguins began to converge on this one ice shelf.” Leif Svenoric said. “It was kind of freaky too, like the Doo-bee Doo-bee Doo Bud light commercials. We could only hope their intentions were peaceful. There was no way we could fight off that many of them and being pecked to death by little birds in tuxedos is last on my list of ways to die, which is right below freezing to death in some God forsaken ice land.”
“We can only assume they are protesting Global Warming.” Leif continued. “Since they could not gather in Washington or Prague, they are doing the best they can. Maybe now the world will take them seriously.”
The Penguins, for their part, waddled around a lot, jumped up and down, and then made a giant slide in the ice that the baby penguins played on.
It was not long before other creatures, also threatened by global warming, added their own weight to the gathering. Orca whales, several dozen of them, formed up on the edge of the ice shelf, seemingly cheering the Penguins on.
However, it wasn’t long before this peaceful protest of natural harmony was interrupted by disaster. As if to underscore the seriousness of the situation, the Ross Ice Shelf, already thin from global warming, shattered under the weight of a million Penguins, hurling them all into the sea below. At that point the Killer whales true intentions became clear as a feeding frenzy erupted.
“It was like an all you can eat bird buffet.” As Lief described it. Scientist shrieked in horror as the normally clear blue cold Antarctic water churned an icy blood red.
“We couldn’t believe what we were watching. The horror of it will haunt me all my life.” Says Svenoric as he takes another bite of pit roasted BBQ Penguin. “On the flip side, we did discover a great new food source”
This was my cat Sputnik. He was cylindrical and pointy. He was a stray just like me. I miss him.
Well, that’s about it for now good citizens of New Prussia. Keep on fighting. Next year in Berlin!
