Livin' La Vie La Loofah

02 July, 2008. The time is 3:30 and I am listening to Amy Winehouse. I’m going to be honest here. I am in love with her. My former crush was Neko Case, who is still a close second, but Amy has definitely taken the lead spot. Maybe we can do drugs together some day. I have a big announcement to make today so read on.

Being out here in SoCal has made me realize that I am not cool. Big shocker I know, but there are so many cool people out here, with their fancy shades, hip styles, cool hair and hot bodies and I am definitely not one of them. I wish I could be that guy, the guy who always knew how to act around girls and get their attention, the guy who made peoples heads turn or made people envy you but I am not. Of course I also wish I was younger, not going bold and not so dang white. Oh well, screw them.

Maybe some of you have read about new legislation in Spain that would give Apes and Gorillas basic human rights as our “evolutionary cousins.” This is part of a movement sponsored by a few hundred scientists worldwide. It basically says we are related and would ban the use of Apes in the circus, experiments etc and from being caged etc. I think this is possibly the lowest level man has sunk to in recent years. Just when you thought you could not demean human beings anymore they go and throw this out. I also think this is unbelievably hilarious. Does this mean we can adopt apes and monkeys as family? Can you, for 50 cents a day, sponsor a hungry Gorilla in the Congo? Does this out law petting the monkey? France however is incredibly grateful to Spain because now they have become the laughing stock of Europe instead of France. I have just one question though, does this give basic human right to Rosy O’Donnell too?

And now it is time for my big announcement.

The Taming of the Loofah:

I am a Metrosexual. I have been in denial for a long time, trying to fight it, to say it ain’t so, but at last I am forced to come to grips with my own metrosexuality. I am coming out of the wardrobe. If gay guys come out the closet I am going to say Metro’s come out of the wardrobe, it the closest thing I could think of anyway. How did I come to grips with this harrowing fate? One simple word: Loofah. Yes, it pains me to admit it but I bought a Loofah and I know that it was the final straw. Up until then I had some cause for denial. I had special soap for shaving, advanced Neutrogena shaving cream and TWO different prescriptions to put on my face. In addition to that I blow-dry my hair and can’t stand wrinkles in my clothes. I was already long gone down the metrosexual highway but the Loofah is what really did me in. Ok guys, a Loofah is that big spongy looking thing in the shower. You use it to scrub and exfoliate your skin. (Exfoliate mean to get rid of the dead skin basically.) This helps keep pores clean etc. I had to get one. You see, for some time now, especially since I moved out here, my neck has been really red and breaking out. It was driving me crazy and I talked to the doctor about it. In addition to the special shaving cream and soap, he recommended the Loofah. So I went and bought one. It was an embarrassing experience to say the least.

Buying the Loofah was no easy task. There I was, in Target, in the feminine hair care section. There was Herbal Essence, Dyes, and Suave. Right next to them, in a large bin, were the Loofah. I looked carefully around to see if anyone was watching. There was nobody around. They were pink, yellow and green. At least they had green. I quickly grabbed it and threw it in the cart. I then put a pair of Khaki pants on top of them to hide them. I had picked the pants up a few minutes ago solely for this purpose. I proceeded to the check out. I had gone late at night so that hopefully there would be few people there. Unfortunately Target does not have self-check out, which meant somebody was going to have to ring me up. I went to the shortest lane possible. It was an older lady. I couldn’t decide which was worse, having a guy or a girl ring me up, so I went with the lady. I handed her the stuff. She scanned the Loofah and looked at me. Was there mockery in those eyes? I couldn’t tell. She scanned the rest of my items. I then told her I had changed my mind about the Khaki’s and that I did not want them. Their true purpose had been fulfilled after all. I paid, took my bags and drove home quickly.

I tried to find a good place to keep it hidden from my roommates but it really only made sense to keep it in the shower so in the end, pragmatism ruled the day. I thought I would be mocked for this obviously girly item but so far they have said little. So yes, I have been using the Loofah on my neck, my journey to the dark side is complete. I had tried to think of a manly way out. I considered using steel wool instead of a Loofah. I certainly think that would exfoliate my skin, if not rip it off altogether. In the end I decided to stick with the Loofah. I have to admit, it has made a huge difference. My neck has been much cleaner after shaving and my skin now has a silky porcelain sheen to it. (It really HAS made a big difference.) So there you go guys, I am a Metrosexual. I hope my coming out will encourage others everywhere to do so as well.

I better run, I have to be at my manicure in ten minutes.