The Night of the Hell Spawned Turd.

">The time is 3:02 A.M. and I am listening to more Wilco. That’s right folks, A.M. as in the middle of the night. Sorry it has been so long, I have been rather bored and uninspired lately, however you have to strike while the irons hot, so here it is. Now normally I would take the time to give you a brief update on my life and all that’s going on, however, something so terrible, so horrible happened a few days ago, that we are going to jump right in on this one. WARNING: The content you are about to read is graphic and might offend some readers. It’s been awhile since we have had a good one, but I kid you not, I present to you, a truly epic episode of…

Great Moments In O.C.D. History: So for several complex geo-political reasons, my store has a lot of homeless, crazies and transients. Seriously, I can think of five off hand we have to deal with. Once we even had to call the police to have them escorted off the property, (he just took off one day, running into the streets, yelling and banging on peoples car windows.) Let’s call him Leon. There is another one who hangs out all evening, is fairly polite and doesn’t quite smell as bad, let’s call him Lenny. Now one Saturday, I had a very long and tiring shift and by the end of it, around 5:00 P.M all I wanted to do was get the hell out of dodge. So an hour or so before my shift ends we get this big Frappacino rush, long lines, multiple orders, and just two of us to handle it. So I am on register taking orders and writing cups, and in walks Lenny. Great, I think, well, no big deal anyways. A minute later walks in Leon followed by another tall crazy looking dude with a hunchback, let’s call him Quasi. Now Leon was specifically told never to return to the store and if he does we are to tell him to leave and call the cops. However, we are in the middle of this rush and I can’t really shout across the store yelling at him to leave. So a minute later Lenny looks at me and points to the restroom. I nod my head. He uses are bathroom to freshen up but usually asks before he does. He goes in. Leon and Quasi then decide to get in line for the bathroom as well. We are still in the middle of the rush and I really can’t stop everything to deal with them yet.

A few minutes later Lenny exits, then Leon goes in, a few minutes later, he comes out, and Quasi goes in. We still have a long line. Then Quasi opens the door and walks out as well. Lenny is outside now and Leon is sitting down. Quasi walks past me and says in a deep voice, “Your bathroom needs some attention.” He then sits down.

Immediately I had a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. The store was still filled with customers though so I couldn’t check things out yet. After the line goes down I pull myself away from the bar long enough to check the bathroom. I was nervous as I slowly approached it. I felt like a kid walking to the principles office, or worse, I felt like a death row inmate being led to the execution chamber. I stopped in front of the door. Trembling slightly, my hand reached for the knob. I stopped and lowered my hand in hesitation, or more likely, survival instinct. I shook my head and took a deep breath. I lifted my hand again and grabbed the doorknob. I slowly turned it, the seconds seemed like hours, everything was going in slow motion. The knob clicked open. I pulled and the door swung open.

I was instantly hit with an overpowering wave of stench that threatened to make me vomit. Suppressing my gag reflexes for the first of what was to be many times I looked inside. There in the bathroom of Starbucks, lay the most hideous, foul, disgusting thing I have seen since the Clinton vs. Obama primaries. It was as if a dark portal to the underworld had opened up and that hell had spewed its vilest, most blasphemous creation onto the bathroom floor. For you see, there on the bathroom floor of the Newport/ El Camino Starbucks lay a large pile of loose human excrement. Not only was there a pile, but there were smears of it all over the floor and around the toilet. It was like somebody just decided to wipe their butt on the floor instead of using paper.

This is the part of the narration where words fail me, but I shall try. I felt a chill rush down my spine. Like somebody had thrust a freezing cold dagger (With a frost enchantment on it.) through my upper torso and stuck it all the way down my spine. (It felt strangely similar to being rejected by a girl- fancy that!) Then, like a bomb going off, I felt a torrent of heat rush up through my gut, through my chest, and into my mind. Yes, Jeff Jordan was having a panic attack. I slammed the door shut and ran to the back and kicked the mop sink as hard as I could. What was I going to do? What could I do? I couldn’t even look at it, let alone clean it, nor could I make anyone else do so in good conscience. What could I do?

I think this was the absolute closest I have ever been to having a mental break down. I was mad as hell. I was mad as a hornet’s net poked by a stick. A hornet’s nest poked by a stick and gasoline being poured over it. Gasoline poured on it and then being knocked off the tree branch, picked up and thrown into a fire. I wanted to drag all three of those crazy buggers out onto the patio, cut their heads off right there, and spike them on the patio umbrella as a warning to all other crazy freaks to keep the hell away.

I ran back to the lobby and confronted Leon and Quasi. Did you do that? I practically yelled at them. Oh no, not us, of course not, they replied. It was Lenny, they claimed, he is “eccentric” they said. “You’re not even supposed to be here ever again.” I told them as I went outside to Lenny and threw out the same question. Of course it wasn’t him either, he always leaves the bathroom clean, he informed me.

I now had to think of the customers. I ran into the back, made a sign stating that if anybody even so much as opened the bathroom door, let alone step foot into it, then I would cuts their limbs off, stuff them in the blender, and serve them to them as a Frapiccino. I walked back outside, Leon and Quasi were gone now. At least one burden was gone.

I looked at the floor, their were small turd stains on the it. Quasi and or Leon had evidently tracked it out into the lobby as well. Great. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I went to the back, said a very brief prayer, and took a few deep breaths. About this time the shift change came. The girl relieving me came in and I told her and the other employees what happened.

“I know your not going to leave that mess for me.” She said. Damn straight I am was what I wanted to respond, after all, it was past time for me to leave.

“Well maybe we should just leave it for the manager in the morning.” I said, knowing full well we couldn’t do that, but oh what a prank it would have been. I went to the back and called the manager, there was no answer.

So I figured the first thing I got had to do was clean the lobby floor where they tracked some out. There wasn’t much and in three minutes of excruciating mental pain, I had mopped it up. That still left the bathroom. I looked at it one more time and suppressed another attempt by my body to vomit. I can’t do it, I told the Lord. I simply can’t. I walked back out, held my hand in my head trying to think. As far as I was concerned, I wanted to Napalm the whole festering pit to pieces. I figured Napalm MIGHT kill all the germs. It was from a homeless guy after all and probably contained, AIDS, Hepatitis ABCDEFGHIJKL and Z, Scurvy, Malaria and Lime disease.

About that time, salvation came through the door. One of our new girls, let’s call her Whitney, was working. Her brother was in to visit her at work. He had just gotten out of prison and really didn’t have much going for him. Whitney told him what had happened.

“Shoot, I’ll clean it for 20 bucks,” he said. I could not believe it. Twenty bucks????? That was all???? I would pay him out of my own money if I had to. Ka-Ching! I went to the cash register and did a 20-dollar pay out. A pay out is basically a way of getting quick cash out of the tills in case of an emergence. As far as I was concerned, this was a disaster the size of Katrina, but instead of swamp water from a whole in a dam it was diarrhea from a dam A-hole. (I thought that was pretty clever.)

Anyways to wrap this thing up, I guess after being in prison, homeless feces isn’t such a big deal. I got the cleaning supplies out, paid him the twenty and walked out the door, suppressing another attempt at retching, but at least somewhat sane. I went home quickly and I don’t even remember the rest of the night.

EPILOGUE: The next day before church I went in to talk to the manager to explain everything that had happened. She apologized for not answering the phone etc. and then told me some wonderful news. Whenever anything like that happened, we are not allowed to touch it. In fact, we lock the bathroom door and in the worst case scenarios we may have to close the store. The best part is that there is an emergency number we call to get a biohazard crew out here to clean up the stuff. I then replied this would have been a nice thing for them to tell us in TRAINING! They made no mention of it, I would have remembered it because I always was worried something like this might happen. Anyway, the biohazard clean up cost like 1,500 Dollars so I basically got a guy to do for 20 bucks a biologically dangerous job that normally pays 1,500$. Dang, what a bargain, I am keeping his number in my wallet from now on. I smiled slyly as I informed the manager that I just saved the company 1,480 dollars. I then asked for a raise.

Right, so there you have it, arguably the worst night in my life. It was certainly the worst in recent memory. I have to apologize for the graphic content of this humorous yet insightful look into the mind of O.C.D. I am proud of myself for making it all the way through this entry about poop without dropping an S bomb though.

Catch you all next time.