Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you have been following, you may know I have been trying to move to New York. That is now no longer the case. I repeat, New York is a no go. Nadda, zilch, not gonna happen, the big zero, negatory, nyet, and other negative words. Notwithstanding a miracle anyways. So don't ask if I'm still planning on going, and this really leaves me with nothing.
So much for dreaming big, taking risks, not settling for a mundane life and all that other crap. (I know this doesn't mean I will have a mundane life, I just mean for now.) I can wax some eloquent blasphemy on my thoughts about prayer and God and His will and all right now but I guess I won't. So where does this leave me? Stuck in piss-ant Denton.I feel as though, at this moment, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Sure, there exists vague, murky promises of potential relationships someday, moving off someday, doing something someday. But that is all in the cloudy and obscure specter of someday. What now? I had nothing else planned.
I could move to Dallas. Whoopee. In fact, I am interviewing for a job soon. If I get this job it will be better to stay here in Denton. So Dallas is out of the question right now. I am in Denton...sweet Moses that's exciting.
I spent the last six months deliberately not meeting girls because I figured I would be moving off. Nice thought. I have also spent the last 5 years in Denton and we see how that has turned out.
I have no money from not working most of the summer. I have no car because mine was destroyed. Yes I have family and friends here. God would provide friends wherever I go though.
So now the question is, did I bring this on myself. I tried to find a job all summer but it didn't happen. Did I not try hard enough? Was I to lazy? There must have been somewhere I could have worked. Was it Proverbs, " A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands, and poverty will come on you like a bandit, scarcity like a armed man?" Or was this God's way of keeping me from going up to NY and making some mistake? I tend to always lean to the argument that blames me. Of course, I would blame myself for Pearl Harbor if I could.
So now where do I go and what do I do? I am graduating on Saturday, with a degree in history when I think I want to do something in media. (Actually I think all I want to do is write.) And like I said, I feel I have nothing to look forward to. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time in life but instead it is just depressing and anxiety producing and in the end it just isn't worth it. Screw it all.
I know there are verses in the Bible about God's plans and all. Spare me the references. And while your at it, spare me the sentimental encouraging BS as well. To sum it all up, here are some pictures by Goya, one of my favourite artists, to describe how I feel.
Well, you get the picture. At least football season is almost here.
Speaking of Dreams: I had a really strange dream the other night. I dreamed I was a country music star that really wanted to be a rock star. I was in a concert wearing tight jeans, a hat and a Garth shirt. As the concert progressed I kept trying to play more and more rock on my guitar instead of country. I tried to sneak it in, so to speak. The audience wouldn't go for it though. It was weird.
Anyway, I know things aren't as bad as I think they are. I just wanted to get it out. See you at the party Saturday, I'm sure I'll be feeling better by then.
6 comments:
RJJ,
No attempt to cheer you up or throw references at you. Just wanted to say thanks for the honesty.
Benji stole my line. Seriously, authenticity can be really freeing. If you look at the pictures of benji on my blog, you might laugh...so...careful.
(Rhino): Right. Well I might worry, except that I know you well enough to know that you've been in these doldrums before (as have we all) and that this too will pass. That's not at all encouraging, but you said you didn't want that, sooo....
Remember when I didn't know what I wanted to do (still not sure on that point - actually I want to live in England - but that's currently alot like your NY dream), I stepped out and moved to Memphis. Still not sure that was the right choice, but it was a choice. What does all that mean? Not much except that you're not alone in your wanderings/wonderings on this subject. Ultimately, I've decided it's not as much about where I am living as what I'm doing. That sounds cliche, but I mean it's more important that you are a writer (which you can do anywhere) than that you are in NY or Dallas (or Memphis). Stick to what you love to do (and are good at). And football season is almost here (and that's not dependant on where you live either).
Also: incidentally, I do blame you for Pearl Harbor. If I ever get around to compliling "The Jefferson Papers 2", I'll include a bit on how you managed that historical snafu.
Not quite sure how to foloow up a posting with vaginal secretions and urine in it but here goes.
JEff, wherever you go you affect people. Affect not Infect. I'd like to share with you my favorite verse that says "when god closes a door anotherone opens to your right" Now to your right is Ft worth, therefore I think god might be calling you to Ft. worth. That is of course unless your facing north, then the right would be McKinney. Now everyone who has spent 2 sermons at DBC knows that "McKinney" is greek for Eagle. And where doth the screaming eagle reside? Right smack dab in good ol' Denton home of the UNT eagles. Therefore, you are right where jesus says you should be.
(North): Personally, Jeff, I blame Michael Bay for Pearl Harbor. Ignore Rhino. And regarding your recent frustration and inability to escape the quantum singularity that is Denton TX, I recommend the careful application of frosty, alcoholic beverages. Take two Guinness (Extra Stout) every 4 hours, with food. Do not exceed 6 dosages in a 24 hour period. Repeat as necessary until symptoms disappear or consciousness fades. (If Guiness Extra Stout is unavailable, Old Rasputin Russian lager may be substituted.)
i love it jeff. keep it up. i know this is like a year after you wrote it, so to speak. but, it's awesome to be so real. so hurt. so vulnerable. so desperate.
it's good to know that i'm not alone.
your friend,natalie
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