Yellowstone, Here I Roam

The time is 9:15 and I am listening to Wilco’s new album. It is, of course, brilliant. Now normally I go to a quiet little coffee shop on Northwest Highway but tonight I felt like doing something different. I felt like going somewhere cool and trendy, so I went to the Starbucks in Uptown. Now I have mixed feelings about places like this. They are cute and fun for a while, and I like some of the stores and styles that I see along the way, but eventually I get tired of it. Eventually it becomes that impossibly fake and hopelessly shallow North Dallas feel that I hate so much, even though it’s near downtown. Pretty people in cool clothes and acting like they have it all together. I prefer to call it UpYours.

So as an addendum to my last entrée, I thought of another power I would like to have. Optical Eye Zoom I would call it, the ability for my eyes to zoom in on one thing across the room and see it clearly. Let’s say I am sitting here and across they way a young man is reading a book. He is in deep thought and has a look of consternation on his face. Is it a graphic novel? Is it something by C.S. Lewis? I do not know, but if I had eye zoom I could focus in on it and see what it is. If it was C.S. Lewis I could then pray for the young lad to have understanding. Better yet, if it is a cute girl reading C.S. Lewis and then I could go over there and ask her what she thinks of, stating that I too, was a Lewis fan and quite familiar with his works. That would be cool.

I have two new inventions for you tonight.

The All New Club for Dogs: I have heard of people getting their dogs chipped with tracking devices so that if they escape and get loose they can be found. My friend Scott’s dog, Cody, is a good example of this. Well, he was, Cody is too fat to go anywhere now days, but he used to be. So if they are chipped, they could still get out and get run over etc. That’s why I propose the club, for dogs. It works like the club for cars really. You attach it to the front leg on one side, and cross underneath the dog and attach the other end to the opposite back foot. Then turn the lock and presto! Your dog can’t walk anywhere! I would advice putting a food bowl next to him in case he gets hungry. I am also currently working on a Club for children too.

The TZ-2 Self Defense Cell Phone: Phones these days do everything. They play MP3’s, download email, re-shingle houses, surf the net, hold entire day planners, you name it. Why not have one for self-defense? My phone comes with a built in Taser that you can use to stun somebody if you ever feel threatened. Great for women especially. Just Zap! And they are down for the count. Please be careful not accidentally zap yourself while you are talking on the phone. If you could create an EMP explosion without setting off a nuke I would make a phone with an EMP device as well.

I went to the dentist the other day. I have a complaint here. Every time I go they give me nothing but bad news. This probably corresponds directly to the fact that I never go until I feel something is wrong. Most of you have probably heard Bill Cosby’s famous bit about the dentist. I have my own rant as well. Namely this. They take your X-rays and what do they do? They put this big lead cover your body to protect you. Never mind the fact they have a freakin’ LASER pointed right at your unshielded face! I’m like, oh ok this thing is dangerous enough to put a lead blanket over my body but you can aim it directly at my head for some reason? I don’t get it.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I am going to Yellowstone National Park next week so hopefully I will come back with some good new material. Take care, next year in Berlin.

Red Czar Diaries

The time is 8:15 and I am listening to the mixed cacophony of various conversations, coffee grinders, and music that is playing on the floor below me. In my lat blog, I mentioned I was going to make fun of Thomas Kincade, Painter of light. However, to do so properly I need my digital camera, which I lost in New York. So the Thomas Kincade entry will have to wait until I can borrow one. Instead here are some quick hits to amuse you.

Secret Confessions of the Czar:

1. Don’t you hate it when, you awaken some powerful and ancient evil, thinking that by doing so it will in turn show you favor and instead it completely turns on you? I hate it when that happens, it’s such a buzz kill.

2. Sometimes, when I make a fast hand or arm motion, I wish that a
”swish” sound effect would play, just like in the cheesy 70’s Kung Fu and Ninja movies. Alternately, and much more often, when I move slow and deliberately, I wish a mechanical robotic whirring noise would play.

3. I also wish whenever I enter a room that the Imperial march from Star Wars would play. I would love to have this play when the groomsmen and I walk out for my wedding, however I really don’t want a Star Wars theme wedding. Now Lord of the Rings….

4. This is weird, but often when I see a bug like a mosquito flying around my head, I wish I was part lizard and could whip out a long slender tongue and gobble it down. It’s not so much that I want to eat bugs, I just think of the look on the bugs face as the completely unexpected happens.

5. I also occasionally wish that my finger could mold into the shape of keys for any lock and instead of using a key I could just use my finger. I would never misplace my keys again.

6. Have you ever noticed how strange the word weird is? What is the rule they teach you in elementary school? I before E, except after C. However in a self-fulfilling move the word weird lives up to it’s own definition and is spelt with the E before the I without the presence of the C.


There are some other more generic things to, like snapping my finger to clean my room like Mary Poppins did, or being able to fly or breath underwater, but these are some of the more unique ones.

Perhaps you have some strange secret desire? If so please let me know. I would love to hear them.

It has been brought to my attention from my fellow watchdogs of Christian culture that there is now a Christian version of YouTube. It is called GodTube and can be found at www.godtube.com . Maybe God can post some videos of himself? I fail to see why anyone would ever create such stupid web site. It has inspired me, nonetheless, to create my own set of Christian web sites.

-El Shaddai Tunes- A place for Christian music trading. (Especially Amy Grant)

-AlphaOmega- A Christian search engine.

-Predestination Station- I know we already have equally yoked, but this is my own dating site for those meant to be.

-Girls Gone Wild for God- Check out videos of hot Christian chicks serving the Lord on spring break mission trips.

-AOHell - An internet provider for Christians

Pearly Gateway- Where Christians can buy computers.


Well that about does it for now. Catch you later.

Start Spreading the News

Hello fair citizens of New Prussia, the time is 3:30 and I am currently listening to Josh Ritter. Anyways, I went to New York last week to visit my friend and confidant Andrew. It was a blast and I have a few comments on it, but first, here is a new product.

New from the Land of the Burning Sands comes:





That’s right, Liquid Jihad, the new energy drink. So strap one on and take a shot. Remember, it’s the bomb!

Now that is done, we can move on to New York. It is a fabulous town and here are some of the highlights:

-Losing my digital camera

-Nearly getting trampled by a giant rat in the subway

-Freezing my butt of in 20-degree sleet and snow while walking in the streets of Manhattan.

-Incredibly sore legs from trying to keep up with other New Yorkers and the hyper speed walking they do.

Ok for real. It was a blast none-the-less. We did a lot of touristy stuff. Went to the improv comedy of Upright Citizens Brigade. Took a tour of NBC studios and saw Julia Louis Dryfus rehearsing as the weekly host. I also came away with more class and intelligence from touring the Metropolitan Museum. And that’s just a few of the many and wonderful things I experienced. With the improv show and the NBC tours with my love of Conan O’Brien, SNL and other sketch comedy, it was very inspirational and got me thinking again of how cool it would be to live up there and write for something like that.

Now I have to say, while in the Rockefeller Center we stopped at one of the many eateries there. Andrew chose a place called China Hunan or something Asian sounding like that. I was in shock. How could you be in that building and name your company China Hunan! Why not name the most obvious name of all: Wok-efeller. I couldn’t believe it.

It goes back to the same idea of when Andrew and I went to Gettysburg a couple years ago and we an Italian food place with some generic sounding Italian name. I then thought, why not name is Spaghettis-berg. I guess people in marketing don’t think like I do.

One other note, I decided to name my band Jefferson Car Bomb, although Czars of Clay was a really good option Andy.

All right gang, have a good day. Just tease my next entry I am going to discuss (i.e. Mock) the legendary Christian artist Thomas Kinkade. Peace.

I Have A New Calling In Life

Ok. For some reason I have to use my Gmail for Blogspot now and I can’t get onto gmail with my laptop due to a strange crash, but I finally managed.

Right-o, here I am at the ole’ coffee shop and it is open mic night for Jesuit High, which has consisted of a smattering of poetry on social injustice and one man acoustic guitar jams. Oh well. If I had something like this in High School I would have probably loved it too. So sorry to take so long on making a new post, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and most of my writing has been devoted to elsewhere. I do have a new calling in life, so please, by all means, read on.

It was asked of me if I had any New Years resolutions this year. To be honest I don’t make New Years resolutions per se, but around the time of New Year’s I did decide to try a couple new things, so I guess they could be considered resolutions in a way. First, Starbucks has a deal with 24-hour fitness that allows us to join them for cheap and no contracts, so I decided I needed to get back in shape and joined up with them.

Secondly, I decided if possible that I would learn to play guitar as well. I have a secondary motive in that I hope it helps me score chicks but to be honest, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m not getting any younger. So I borrowed my brother’s Axe (that’s 80’s rock for guitar) a sweet Ibanez Steve Vai edition. (Insert crazy 80s rift here.) This has led to perhaps my greatest calling. I thought all this time I was going to be a writer, it turns out I am going to be a worship leader. That’s right, as soon as I get good enough, I am going to start my own traveling praise and worship show, just like David Crowder or Shane and Shane. By all means this should at least help me get Christian chicks.

I have already picked out a name for my band. It is going to be called “Jeff Jordan’s Happy God Squad Band” or something like that. I will write great hits with titles like “Praise Him,” “Praise Him Some More,” “Still Praising Him,” “How About Some More Praise Anyone?” and when I get my corporate Dr. Pepper sponsorship, “Praise Him at 10, 2 and 4.” I can’t wait.

It’s funny, most of you know my dislike for such groups, however when I tell other people I know at work or wherever that I don’t like such bands they stare at me like I am crazy. I do it now just for shock value.

Another Great Christian Product:

I have another brilliant idea for Christian Culture to buy into. It is the all new Photo Album Bible. This a fully operational Bible that also has photo sleeves in certain parts for you to place pictures in. Picture this “give thanks to Lord, for He is good.” Now place a picture of someone you are thankful for in the sleeve next to the verse. The possibilities are endless, for the fruits of the Spirit, place a picture of somebody who exhibits a particular fruit. How about, “love thy neighbor” place pictures of your neighbors. “Love thy enemy,” place a picture of your enemy! “Thou shall not murder,” place a picture of somebody you wish you could murder. The possibilities are endless.

Anyways, it’s a great idea and I could probably make tons of cash off of it, but then I would be a hypocrite because I hate this kind of stuff.

Catch you later.

24 Hour Torture

Greetings fair citizens and immigrants alike. I am sorry it has taken so long to right another entry. I have been working on a couple of short stories and thus most of my writing time has been consumed with that. However, here we are with another entry so let us continue.

I became a member of a torture chamber the other day. Now I can be in pain whenever I want. You see, I signed up for a membership at 24-hour fitness. Starbucks has a pretty good deal for their employees to join so I sucked it up and joined. I kid you not though when I say that upon walking in and seeing rows and rows of complicated equipment, with weights, gears and cables that it really did remind of some medieval torture chamber. The real irony here is that we have been suckered into paying for our own pain. Prince John would have loved our times.

Speaking of ironies, here is a couple more I thought of:

I find it highly ironic that the boy scouts, who pride themselves on resourcefulness and preparedness, have to have fundraisers every year.
I find it ironic that baby oil actually does not come from freshly squeezed babies.
Steel wool does not come from metal sheep either.

Ok those were lame I admit, especially the last one.

Have you ever wanted to become the president of your own church? Have you had everything in place but you just couldn’t think of a name for it? Well worry no more because I have created the first ever Evangelical Church Naming Kit. Follow the directions here and soon you will the perfect name for your church. First grab a 6-sided dice. Then roll it and find the corresponding word in the first column. Then roll again and find the word in the second column. Lastly roll in the third column and put them all together and presto! Instant ministry.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

1. Fire 1. Creek 1-2. Fellowship
2. Stone 2.Wheel 3-4. Bible
3. Water 3.Hollow 5-6. Bible Fellowship
4. Willow 4. Gate
5. Briar 5. Woods
6. Oak 6. Ridge

See I will give an example. I roll a 5 (Briar) then a 6 (ridge) then a 1. (Fellowship) So my new mega-church will be called Briar Ridge Fellowship

So the might be a bastard series continues:

You might be a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her friend is hotter.

You are defiantly a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her sister is hotter.

You might be a bastard if you break up with your girlfriend on Valentines Day. (I know somebody who did this, and then we popped all the pink balloons she had given him.)

Well that’s about it for now folks. Hope you enjoyed it.