I Have A New Calling In Life

Ok. For some reason I have to use my Gmail for Blogspot now and I can’t get onto gmail with my laptop due to a strange crash, but I finally managed.

Right-o, here I am at the ole’ coffee shop and it is open mic night for Jesuit High, which has consisted of a smattering of poetry on social injustice and one man acoustic guitar jams. Oh well. If I had something like this in High School I would have probably loved it too. So sorry to take so long on making a new post, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and most of my writing has been devoted to elsewhere. I do have a new calling in life, so please, by all means, read on.

It was asked of me if I had any New Years resolutions this year. To be honest I don’t make New Years resolutions per se, but around the time of New Year’s I did decide to try a couple new things, so I guess they could be considered resolutions in a way. First, Starbucks has a deal with 24-hour fitness that allows us to join them for cheap and no contracts, so I decided I needed to get back in shape and joined up with them.

Secondly, I decided if possible that I would learn to play guitar as well. I have a secondary motive in that I hope it helps me score chicks but to be honest, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m not getting any younger. So I borrowed my brother’s Axe (that’s 80’s rock for guitar) a sweet Ibanez Steve Vai edition. (Insert crazy 80s rift here.) This has led to perhaps my greatest calling. I thought all this time I was going to be a writer, it turns out I am going to be a worship leader. That’s right, as soon as I get good enough, I am going to start my own traveling praise and worship show, just like David Crowder or Shane and Shane. By all means this should at least help me get Christian chicks.

I have already picked out a name for my band. It is going to be called “Jeff Jordan’s Happy God Squad Band” or something like that. I will write great hits with titles like “Praise Him,” “Praise Him Some More,” “Still Praising Him,” “How About Some More Praise Anyone?” and when I get my corporate Dr. Pepper sponsorship, “Praise Him at 10, 2 and 4.” I can’t wait.

It’s funny, most of you know my dislike for such groups, however when I tell other people I know at work or wherever that I don’t like such bands they stare at me like I am crazy. I do it now just for shock value.

Another Great Christian Product:

I have another brilliant idea for Christian Culture to buy into. It is the all new Photo Album Bible. This a fully operational Bible that also has photo sleeves in certain parts for you to place pictures in. Picture this “give thanks to Lord, for He is good.” Now place a picture of someone you are thankful for in the sleeve next to the verse. The possibilities are endless, for the fruits of the Spirit, place a picture of somebody who exhibits a particular fruit. How about, “love thy neighbor” place pictures of your neighbors. “Love thy enemy,” place a picture of your enemy! “Thou shall not murder,” place a picture of somebody you wish you could murder. The possibilities are endless.

Anyways, it’s a great idea and I could probably make tons of cash off of it, but then I would be a hypocrite because I hate this kind of stuff.

Catch you later.

24 Hour Torture

Greetings fair citizens and immigrants alike. I am sorry it has taken so long to right another entry. I have been working on a couple of short stories and thus most of my writing time has been consumed with that. However, here we are with another entry so let us continue.

I became a member of a torture chamber the other day. Now I can be in pain whenever I want. You see, I signed up for a membership at 24-hour fitness. Starbucks has a pretty good deal for their employees to join so I sucked it up and joined. I kid you not though when I say that upon walking in and seeing rows and rows of complicated equipment, with weights, gears and cables that it really did remind of some medieval torture chamber. The real irony here is that we have been suckered into paying for our own pain. Prince John would have loved our times.

Speaking of ironies, here is a couple more I thought of:

I find it highly ironic that the boy scouts, who pride themselves on resourcefulness and preparedness, have to have fundraisers every year.
I find it ironic that baby oil actually does not come from freshly squeezed babies.
Steel wool does not come from metal sheep either.

Ok those were lame I admit, especially the last one.

Have you ever wanted to become the president of your own church? Have you had everything in place but you just couldn’t think of a name for it? Well worry no more because I have created the first ever Evangelical Church Naming Kit. Follow the directions here and soon you will the perfect name for your church. First grab a 6-sided dice. Then roll it and find the corresponding word in the first column. Then roll again and find the word in the second column. Lastly roll in the third column and put them all together and presto! Instant ministry.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

1. Fire 1. Creek 1-2. Fellowship
2. Stone 2.Wheel 3-4. Bible
3. Water 3.Hollow 5-6. Bible Fellowship
4. Willow 4. Gate
5. Briar 5. Woods
6. Oak 6. Ridge

See I will give an example. I roll a 5 (Briar) then a 6 (ridge) then a 1. (Fellowship) So my new mega-church will be called Briar Ridge Fellowship

So the might be a bastard series continues:

You might be a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her friend is hotter.

You are defiantly a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her sister is hotter.

You might be a bastard if you break up with your girlfriend on Valentines Day. (I know somebody who did this, and then we popped all the pink balloons she had given him.)

Well that’s about it for now folks. Hope you enjoyed it.

Celebrity Christmas Lists.

Greetings fair citizens of New Prussia. The time is 9:20 and I am listening to some dude with an acoustic guitar at a coffee shop. Normally I dislike the usual dude with a guitar at coffee shops because they generally suck and are loud to boot. These guys aren’t too bad though and seem to have quite a following. Apparently they are from out of town and came here just for this show.

I must admit I am having trouble thinking of You Might Be A Bastard jokes. I should probably be one for a time to better find out what all bastards actually do. However I can delight your senses with this bit of Christmas joy. Ever wonder what famous people want for Christmas? Well it here it is. The official...

...2006 Celebrity Christmas List.

1 George W. Bush- Approval ratings, any at all.

2. Nicole Ricci – A piece of rice.

3. Rosie O’Donnell – For her Barbara Walters fantasy to come to true,

4. Donald Trump – To develop his huge head into prime real estate.

5. K-fed – For even his own mother to buy his album.

6.Michael Moore – A box of Krispy Kream doughnuts.

7.Sashe Baron Cohen - For anyone to remember him in six months.

8.Saddam Hussein – To save his own neck.

9. Katie Holmes – For Tom to convert to Mormonism or anything less weird then scientology.

10. Brad and Angelina – Another poor third world child to adopt now that they have adopted ALL of them.

I have recently learned more people have been reading this thing then I had thought and I greatly appreciate it. It is encouraging in my writing to know people are interested in it. Okay gang, I’ll catch you later.

Yule Time Conquest

It is 4:32 and I am listening to Christmas Carols. So it’s the holidays and I wish you all a very merry Christmas and hope the New Year is the best year yet. As the new, infant year kills the aged and feeble last year off many of you have wondered what Christmas in New Prussia is like. Now I covered this in a prior blog about this time last year but I will rehash the basics of it. For complete coverage see my entry on 12-25-2005. With this in mind, break out the Belgium Ale and gather along the French border for the Yule Time Conquest.

Papa Czar gives toy weapons to all good Prussian children. He rides a warhorse on most occasions but for Christmas he has a special vehicle he rides around in, an armored sled (made by BMW) pulled by 9 warhorses. Legend has it their names are Panzer, Blitzkrieg, Fritz, Otto, Fredrick, Rommel, Kaiser, Jagermiester and Luther. As you can see, the legends grow.

My Christmas list has not changed much. I still want a province in central Europe, the destruction of the U.N, a magical sword etc. This year I’m adding that I want a date, one single date with a cute girl. No, I would settle for one conversation with a cute girl this year.

For my next section I must preface this by saying that within the realm of cussing, swearing, and four letter words, I do not consider this to be a cuss word. Not a great word but not a cuss word by any means. So give your warm round of applause to my new segment:

You Might Be A Bastard….
These are similar to you might be a redneck jokes, only with bastards. I must admit I’ve never really been a bastard so this might take some time for me to think of some situations but they will go like this:

If you honk your horn to pick up your date, you might be a bastard.

If your name is Kim Jong Ill, you might be a bastard.

If you fill a water balloon with urine, you’re most likely a bastard.

If you after years of being exiled you return to your family just in time to steal their inheritance then you might be a bastard.

So you get the idea.

And now it’s time for, Great Moments in OCD History:

I was at work the other day when I got the call to put more toilet paper in the women’s restroom. Now I’m able to do this, it bothers me a little bid but not to bad. So we have these to plastic tubs that go through the toilet paper in the TP dispenser to make it easy to pull out. So I pull both of these plastic tubes out to place the paper roll onto them. Much to my dismay, my fumbling fingers drop one. Everything went into slow motion. I reach for it, “Noooooooooo!” I yell in angst as I watch it tumble and plummet into the toilet next to me splashing into the disease filled murk of the porcelain abyss. It floated on the surface, mocking me as anxiety set in. Fortunately there was nothing in the toilet. What could I do? I briefly considered just flushing it down but realized that would not work and would also be difficult to explain to my manager. I decided I only had option. I had to fish it out. So I went and put on the gloves and trembling and quivering I reached into the toilet and pulled the dumb thing out, washed it off, put paper on it and set it back in the metal dispenser. I then washed my hands like a surgeon. To her credit, one co-worker, Jessica, volunteered to fish it out for me but I knew it was something I had to make myself do. Please send flowers to my funeral.

Well that’s about it for now folks. I hope your Holidays are happy and germ free and that Papa Czar brings you all the weapons you want!

Welcome to New Blogistan

It 7:32, no music, just apple cider. I must admit I don’t normally drink cider but since I have been trying to cut back on caffeine I have taken to it more. I have a special name for it, I like to call it Mormon whiskey, and it seems appropriate. This entry will consist of a bunch of quick hits.

I think 2006 should be considered for all intents and purposes, the year I died, or at least nearly went insane. I haven’t gone much of anywhere or done anything, I haven’t been in church or hung out with friends or kept up with people like I should. I have pretty much stayed at home and laid low while my mind got worse and worse. Anyways, not much good seems to have come out of it, it seems like this year could have not existed and I would have been fine.

I did move back home to try and get my mind back in order. So I have gotten on new meds and back into counseling. I haven’t been entirely satisfied with the results so I am now trying this Chiropractic/Holistic medicine specialist. So far it seems pretty to help.

My last blog inspired me to start my own phone ring tone service for people into rap and hip-hop. You would send in rap, hip hop, R&B etc to play on your phone. It would be called Bling Tones. I’m sure it has already been done.

The other day I was thinking about how ironic it is that Lou Gehrig, the famous baseball player, died from a disease with the same name as himself, namely Lou Gehrig’s disease. I mean, what are the odds? I could see the probability of somebody named Malaria dying from Malaria, but something as specific as Lou Gehrig? Talk about irony.

On the religious front, it has come to my attention (via a work friend) that the Catholic church is now allowing people to pay 150$ a year to have a nun pray for their salvation. Of course the plan was originally done to allow priests to pay nuns to pray for their salvation. Call it over-indulgences.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I’ll catch you later.