The time is 4:07 and I am listening to Ray LaMontagne. The Ray LaMontagne CD I have is currently jammed in my 5 disk changer and refuses to open or change disks. I do not blame Ray for this; I am merely stating the facts. So I am using the MP3s on my laptop. Well this is my first attempt at a weekly blog. I have a new product to sell you on as well as V-Day talk. So without delay I give you…

Adventures with VD. (That’s Valentines Day sickos)

So my church does this deal every year where the singles “volunteer” to baby-sit peoples kids at the church as a ministry to married couple. I was even asked if I wanted to do it and I was like, “are you kidding me? This is so lame.” It is like saying, hey you singles, you have nothing better to do today, why don’t you watch our kids for us so we can go make out or something. You know, I am all for helping people in need. Really helping people. I helped remodel a house for single moms recovering from alcohol and drug addiction, I helped with a Christmas party for foster kids, but this? Come on, give me something real to do.

People tell say I should go to this thing to meet chicks but I don’t want to. It strikes me as being the very wrong reason to go. I heard there were about 97 singles that signed up and to be honest, I hate meat markets, which is what this would become. I mean a veritable feeding frenzy. I hate feeling like I am in some competition with other guys just say hi to some girl,

Now lets be honest here, it sucks to be single on V-Day and there is no getting around it without the use of Vodka. Ministry is designed to help meet peoples’ needs and who is in greater need here? Married people, who have somebody to be with? Or singles, who don’t? The answer is obviously singles. So I think the situation should be reversed. I think the married people should do something for the single people on V.D. THAT would be a real ministry right there.

I know I sound bitter and dangit all I am.

So what did I do? I moved into our new house and had On the Border with my roommates. I don’t think we looked too gay though. Next time we will go to Laguna.

Hair Raising Ideas to Plug.

SO I have this idea and I am pretty sure I can get rich off of it. The idea came to me when I was admiring my hair in the mirror the other day and I was lamenting the fact that I am slowly losing it all. I have always loved my red hair and I suspect it is the secret to my powers. So you can understand my concern over losing it.

I thought that if I could save my hair and use it later then I would, and that is when it occurred to me. I can start a business for men going bald. They can grow their hair out long, we then cut it off and store it for them, then when they go bald they come back to us and we make their saved hair into a wig for them! I might be able to even make plugs for them. We could develop a scientific process to freeze the hair and preserve it, like cryogenics or something like that. I would call it Follicle Freezing or Hairgenics or something controversial like that. I know I would make millions though.

Well that about wraps up this round of short bloggings. Stay tuned to next time fair citizens and remember: Happy F-ing Valentines day!

A Greater Moment in O.C.D. History

The time is 4:13 P.M and I am being force to listen to Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul, and Mary. I left my headphones in the car and I am sitting right over the speakers at this organic coffee shop. Probably what I get for going to an organic coffee shop anyways. So we have a first in New Prussia, an addendum to my last entry if you will. I don’t think I have had an update before as opposed to new entries all together, but considering the circumstances I would call it appropriate. So now I give you the first ever….

Great Moments In O.C.D. History Update:

So my last entry discussed the fact that I hate the bathroom key all the clients have to take with them into the bathroom at work. The receptionist keeps the vile, germ encrusted, thing on the desk and I avoid it at all costs. Anyway, they moved the marketing dept. and human resources into another office set across the hall next to the restrooms. We also have a large conference room and computer training room in our side of the building. My desk sits out in the open where every one has to pass through. I look kind of like a receptionist but I am not at all. So the partners were all meeting in the conference room and one of them walks out and says, “Jeff, do you have a restroom key?” I said “no.”. (I have my own personal one but no general one.)

“Well, we need to get you one for people over here.” She said.

“Like hell you do.” Was what I nearly responded. Instead I swallowed my anxiety and squeaked out a feeble “sure.”

The next day the H.R. woman walks up to my desk and places a key on it. Now whenever anyone in our area needs to go they grab this key and take it with them. Of course, they set it back down on my desk when done with it. They plague filled thing just sits there like the coiled Cobra I mentioned in the last entry, just watching and waiting for me to get to get within striking distance. The irony here is killing me. I mean this is the type of irony Shakespeare would be jealous of. This literally happened the very day after I posted about how I hate the public use key. I can’t believe the rotten, crappy luck I have. I don’t even want to be near it or breath the air around it, let alone touch it.

On the plus side I have thought of a way to have fun with. I will appoint myself the keeper of the key. In order for people to use it they must either A. Solve a riddle or a puzzle or B. Bring me some kind of gift or offering. This has all sorts of potential. I could wear a dark cloak, grow a long beard and use a quill pen on parchment paper to write the list of users down. If they don’t do one of those two things they can’t go to the bathroom. Simple enough and I win either way.

I have decided to try and blog more. Instead of doing one really long blog every month I am going to try and do more short quick hits. We shall see how it goes. Later gang.

Twice the germs! Twice the fun!

The time is 5:45 and I am listening to reggae of some sorts. It is playing at the Starbucks I am at. Oh, the Starbucks I am at happens to be overlooking Laguna Beach. The weather is 60 degrees, the breeze is refreshing and the sun just finished setting. Whenever I wonder why I am paying out the butt to live in SoCal, I just need to come down here and remind myself. It’s weird, I have been here almost a year now but I have only been to the beach four or five times. I think I should make a pledge to go the beach once a month to write and/or brainstorm and check out chicks. Of course, somehow this time I ended up driving down to Laguna with a guy I am friends with. I kid you not, this is the gayest thing I have done in a long time. It was near sunset and all along the boardwalk were these cute little couples cuddling and watching the sun set into the ocean, and here I am leaning against the rail with this dude. (Technically we were watching the surfers.) Then we went to Starbucks afterwards and sat outside and talked for awhile. It was such a romantic evening. Since then at least half a dozen people have told me Laguna is a popular spot for homosexuals. I swear I am never going down there without a girl again.


And now it’s time for…

Great Moments in OCD History!

Fair citizens, I delight you today with not one, but two, great moments in OCD history. The first involves me personally, the second does not, but I digress, so let us begin. Due to the layout of the building I work in, the restrooms are outside of the building, sort of like a gas station. This means they stay locked for safety reasons. Their being locked has the unfortunate side effect of having to have a key to open it. Now everyone who works here has their own key, but clients, clients are different, they have to use the general purpose key kept at the receptionist desk, much like the school hall pass or something. So I found myself being the only one up front when a client comes in and asks for the key. Fear rises within me. I mean, different people are taking this thing to the bathroom with them. I HOPE they leave it on the sink counter, but probably they set it on the filthy toilet or on the toilet paper dispenser. For all I know, they could have dropped it in the toilet itself. This poses quiet a problem for me. I eye it suspiciously on the desk, sitting there like a coiled viper, waiting to bite me. I briefly consider giving him my key, but my key is clean and kept safely in my pocket. No one is allowed to use my key, lest they contaminate it and make it ceremonially unclean. I slowly reach for the key, anxiety building. Right when I touch it the snake bites. What did I just expose myself to? Hundred of diseases could be crawling all over it, from scurvy to Ebola. I was sure to die a painful death. I hand him the keys and tell him to go quickly go God’s sake, get out of here! I then calmly walk out of the room until I round the corner. Then I hauled ass to the kitchen, lathered my hands up, scrubbed them for thirty seconds, rinsed them and repeated the process one more time. Hopefully I will live, but don’t send flowers if I die, instead make a generous donation to the OCD of America Foundation.


The second story is a first for Great Moments because it doesn’t involve me directly but rather a story I read that troubled me greatly. So yesterday I read about two survivors who had been afloat at sea for 25 days after their fishing ship had sunken somewhere around Indonesia/Australia. They said that everyone else drowned, but as the ship was going down, they saw a cooler, yes a cooler, about the size of a desk floating out of the ship, so they swam to it and got inside it. They floated in this thing, in shark infested waters for 25 days and somehow survived. The article said that they were dehydrated and that currently doctors were trying to find out how they survived and what they drank to stay alive. What they drank to stay alive?? Out in the sea for 25 days!! The answer should be obvious to anyone! THEIR URINE! They had to right? I mean the body can’t go more then a few days without water and salt water is no good, so what else is there? I’m pretty sure this cooler wasn’t filled with Desani or Miller Lite. Immediately, to my horror, I realized this is what must have happened and I wanted to puke. I tried to picture myself in this situation. (Why I have no idea) Cupping my hands, lifting the warm liquid to my lips, you get the picture, and as the anxiety of just thinking about it rose I realized that if I was ever lost at sea, I would be just as good as dead. Not even to get out of the deepest darkest pit of some grotesque, unimaginable hell would I drink urine. If God appeared to me and said, “Verily Jefferson, I say unto thee, in order to pass through the pearly gates and have an inheritance in mine kingdom, all ye has to do is drinketh up of thine own urine,” (This is the KJV of the Lord, not the NAS, NIV and certainly not the Message.) then I would be damned straight to hell.
If I was in a cooler floating in shark infested waters I would do my best to attract a shark and throw myself at it, hoping it will end me quickly rather then drink the lemonade of death. Of course, the worst assumption here on my part is that they drank their OWN urine, the alternative, yeah, we aren’t going to go there.

You Got To Have Faith:
I think it would be funny if there was a faith healer who healed appliances and electronics instead of people. I can see it now, a long, line of people bringing in busted printers, blown speakers, VCR’s, coffee pots, 8 track players, Commodore 64’s, and lots of HP Desktops. He would lay hands on them, say a prayer and yell “Be healed!” and lo, they would work! Instead of just blowing on them like Benny Hinn does he could just use a can of condensed air that you use for cleaning keyboards. Just spray on the Spirit and bam! It is healed! Now that is somebody I would tithe to.


Well folks that about does it for this entry. Hope you enjoyed it and catch you next.

Blast From the Past.

The time is 10:30 P.M. and I am listening to The Muse. We have a few things we can discuss tonight and I might not get to them all but we shall see. For one, we can talk about my new job a bit, also random Obama paraphernalia, gay protests, charismatic faith healers, possibly Michael Phelps, or eve an email scam I chanced upon in my inbox. Let’s start with the email.

So I have been getting a lot of spam mail the last few months and they are getting annoying. Sometimes they are cleverly labeled like “Are you that guy I used to pick on in Jr. High? (The answer is probably)” and “Are you that nerdy guy with the pimples from math class?” (The answer to this is definitely.) So much to my curiosity I opened my inbox and saw an email titled, “Hey it’s Erin…remember me?” I thought really hard for a moment, yes, I had known a couple of Erin’s in the past. At the same time however a cautious warning that it could be an invitation to porn crossed my mind. My curiosity, among other things, was aroused, so I immediately opened it. This is what I read.

“It’s been awhile, Almost 2 years now I think! This still you? What have you been up to? Still single? I have been with my GF for just about 2 years now! We met a little while after you and I stopped talking.”

I thought, okay this has to be porn related but I will make sure. So I read on:

“She’s really great and is the reason I am messaging you... her bday is coming up and since we are both into men I thought it would be fun to set some fun up for us as a present! I remembered how hot you are…”

I would just like to state that when she said, “I remembered how hot you are…” it became painfully obvious that this was a hoax. No girl from my past still in her right mind would call me hot. On a very nice day, if they are feeling generous, I might get a cute, but never a hot. I will let you finish reading the rest of the email if you are curious.

“…And was wondering if you were still interested in meeting us and taking it even further hehe”

Hehe indeed. I mean seriously, this is the kind of low grade, hack job, crappy writing I am supposed to fall subject to? I should be offended, no rising action, (Hehe, no pun here either) no antagonist/protagonist, no sense of irony, please spare me the Harlequin details. Anyway, there was a link there that I did not post here lest you may stumble, nor did I follow it myself. I can’t actually prove that I didn’t, so you will just have to trust me.

Gay Day: So I am sure you are all familiar with the recent protests for gay marriage. One such protest came to my attention from a newspaper in San Francisco. It stated that on a certain day this year every gay person “call in gay to work” and not show up to protest their rights. They were calling it A Day Without A Gay. I don’t know if this plan really ever happened or if it was just a possibility. It is pretty darn funny though. So if this is like calling in sick are they equating homosexuality to a sickness? We discussed this issue at work and we decided this would actually work against their cause because all their co-workers would be pissed at having to cover their jobs while they “Called in Gay.” Besides, if they actually went a day without gays, then every Disney store in the world would all be closed since at once. We also thought that, given the bad job market, calling in to work was not a wise idea. However, I have to say, “A Day Without A Gay” is better then their original idea which was “A Year Without A Queer.”

ODD JOBS:
So I have a new job as you all should know by now. It is pretty cool and the people I work with seem nice enough. They are letting me pretty much design their intranet site, which leaves me with loads of tantalizing possibilities. I have a cubbie (much like a cubicle but made of dry wall.) It has a window and faces my boss’s office. I have a cubbie hole? I have never had one before. What should I do with it? This leaves me in a conundrum of sorts. Everyone knows when you have an office, there are certain obligatory items that you must put in it, that more or less define you, or at least give off clues about yourself. Pictures of family or pets, bobble head dolls, sports stuff, little figurines or signs along with a whole myriad of other possibilities. So I will ask you dear reader, what should I put in my cubbie that defines me?

I know what you are thinking, a map of Middle Earth, Cobra Commander figure, a model Tie Fighter, a poster of a hot elf chick licking a dagger and maybe some multi-sided dice. But I have a chance here to be creative and not let them see me as a nerd just yet. Specifically, there are two special points of interest: the screen saver, and the calendar.

My current screen saver says, “Dell” on it and the current calendar hanging on my wall is a “Waterfalls of the World” one. I was at least hoping for a “Large rocks of the earth,” one but no, I get water. So I ask for your suggestions. My current laptop background is the picture of me with my Russian hat and German coat on. I call it the Czar picture and my friend Faith took it a few years ago. Maybe I should just use it for my screensaver. As for a calendar, how about the Far Side daily calendar or possibly a homemade "Cats I Have Loved" calendar. You decide.

So I am sitting at work on Friday and my boss walks in with a box and says, “Jeff, here are your business cards.” And I’m like, “I get business cards?!?! HELL YEAH!!!!” Was more or less my response. I have business cards now. I feel so grown up and professional. It says Jeff Jordan on it and has our company and logo etc on it. I was hoping it said, R. Jefferson Jordan, ESQ, Marketer Extraordinaire on it, but alas it didn’t. I latter asked an attorney friend of mine if Esquire was saved only for attorneys and she said, “yes. Damn lawyers, why do they get all the cool titles.

Anyway, I get business cards! I can’t wait to start handing them out to hot girls I meet on chance encounters. The real trick I have to learn is how to sneak in and leave some in women’s restrooms without getting caught. Sounds like a great way to meet chicks in my opinion.

I also have to bring a gag gift for the company white elephant party next week. I am brainstorming.

What to take a bunch of accountants? Maybe pocket protectors. One co-worker went online and found a black bobble head Jesus that looks like Snoop Dog. I totally want this. I have been debating collecting weird stuff anyway and I think that would fit right in.

Well gang that is about it for now. As you see from my first paragraph I have plenty of material to pull from for another blog or two. Until then Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and all that.

A Good 'Ole Fashioned Blog

The time is 8:51 P.M. and I am listening to Rhetoric. Okay, not really but I thought it sounded intellectual and all. So tonight I don’t have anything long or fancy, just a good ole’ fashioned blog, a return to the good ole’ days if you will, when life was simpler and there was no internet to make things complicated. Today we talk about Karate and I write my own worship song. So without further delay here we go.

Karate for Christ: Okay folks, this is something I have been planning to write about for sometime but kept putting it off. However, every day at work, I am confronted with this issue and so I finally have gotten around to writing about it. Across from my Sbux, there is a Christian Bookstore. One day I went to work and noticed a new business next door to it. The sign read, and I kid you not, Karate for Christ. My satirical instincts quickly rose to the occasion. I mean this is the very kind of Christian crap I hate, and here was the perfect opportunity to mock it.
I don’t like Karate for Christ; Karate is overrated as a form of self-defense. I much prefer the noble art of Judo for Jesus, also called Jew-do, or maybe as my brother suggested, Tai-Kwon-Do Unto Others. I see Karate for Christ as being there own sect of Christianity, much like the old monastic orders. I just have one question here. Do they teach their students to turn the other cheek? Or do they teach you to chop the other cheek? While many sects follow the teachings of St. Paul or St. John they probably follow the teaching of St. Norris, who never sleeps, he just waits. I am sure they spurn the teachings of St. Francis a Sissy. (I’m proud of that historical pun) He was way to pacifistic for them.
I can see them now, instead of using the Sword of the Spirit or the Breastplate of Righteousness, they use the Nun-Chuck of Redemption and the Bo Staff of Judgment. I think the whole idea is hilarious but I will spare you anymore bad puns. I did find out afterwards that the Main Place, a very large local church that also runs a nearby theatre and thrift store, is running the center. However that makes the whole thing even lamer in my opinion Oh well…

Speaking of which, if I was to ever start my own Dojo (Yeah right) I have decided I would name it the Cobra Kai Dojo. Many of you will remember this as the “evil” dojo in the Karate Kid movies. I mean, who wouldn’t want to join that? And yes, I would teach my students to sweep the legs, you heard me, sweep the legs. Muahahaha.

Bruce Springsteen To Launch Voter Drive – Four years ago Bruce Springsteen made a controversial tour, with many other artists, called the Rock the Vote tour in attempt to get John Kerry elected. (Much to the ire of my Dad.) He is doing it again this year, of course, the name of this years' tour? Barack the Vote.

I have decided to write my own worship song. It seems like so many people nowadays do so I figured why not me? So here it goes…

He is our thirst quencher,
He is our hunger buster.
He is the soul reaper
And Ketchup to our Mustard

He’s Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnivorous

So we sing….

Forever God is Eternal
And that’s a fairly long time.
We lift our arms in worship,
And sometimes we really mean it
And that last line didn’t rhyme.

And we try to focus on you,
And not the hot girl in the pew,
Wearing a low cut strapless shirt,
That has no business being seen in church.

(Repeat)

So we sing…

Forever God is Eternal
And that’s a fairly long time,
We lift our arms in worship,
And sometime we really mean it.
And that last line didn’t rhyme.

I think mine is pretty good and brutally honest. Perhaps I will submit it to DK, our music minister and see what he thinks. The only down side is I can’t write music, but I have a rough tune in my head.

Well that’s about it for now folks, I have to go practice my forms for my yellow belt test.