The Dangers of Playing with Fire.

The time is 10:33 P.M. and for the first time all is quiet. However I still have plenty to say. Today’s topics rage from Wildfires to online dating. I dressed up as the California Wildfires for Halloween. It was hilarious and I will post pictures on Facebook.

Speaking of wildfires I know what caused them: Sex did. You see Tom Nelson said sex is like a fire. In it’s proper place in marriage it like a warm fire in a fireplace. Outside of marriage it becomes like a wildfire that can destroy everything. Therefore, with all these fires breaking out, there must be a lot of people in California having sex outside of marriage. Which is exactly the reason I am moving there.

So my parents and a few other older couples at Firewheel Fellowship Church are now in charge of the senior adults Sunday school class. They met at our house one night to discuss the future of their class as well as what to name it. Now the people in charge of the Sunday school want them to name the class Stage 3, which I think is lame. Instead I have come up with my own list of names for the senior citizens class at church. I think my dad is actually going to read this list at their next meeting.

1. The Sanhedrin

2. Last Call

3. Redeemer Bible Church Garland.

4. Stage 12

5. Senior Moments

6. The Remnant

7. The Viagra 9

8. Sons of Methuselah

I was really surprised to learn that Methuselah and Sanhedrin were both in spell check. Who knew?

I have been really bored with pretty much everything lately (Especially Church) and so I have been messing around with free online dating services. Online dating has become very acceptable in the last few years and to be honest, it’s probably a lot better then some of the systems we have now. I do not plan on partaking in it yet, but I was curious to see what was out there. Along the way I learned a few tips I now pass on to you. Please note these are from a guy’s perspective. Sorry girls.

1. Do not place a picture of you with a friend if your friend is hotter then you. What follows is the thought process for us guys…”DAMN! She’s hot!” then we realize that is the friend, not you and it’s “damn, it’s a friend.” Then we become friends with you just to reach your hot friends, which creates one big mess. It’s just all around a bad idea.

2. Naming your self. Ok you have to pick a name and some subtitle but it seems many girls do not understand the art to this. If you put a name like BTCHGODDESS or TXBTCH, which I have seen, no guy in his right mind will message you. Very few guys think “oh sweet! A total bitch that will be egotistical, selfish and treat me like crap! Just what I wanted!” Usually we look for kind loving gals.

3. Alternately, do not name yourself TOTALHOTTIE4U or HOTNTXS, if you are not a total hottie. It just isn’t cool and no one will take you seriously. Plus liars go to hell.

4. Some of these women scare guys off before we even see your profile. Phrases like ‘lonely and looking” “Awake at night dreaming” “Desperate for Mr. Right” and other phrases just smack of emotional instability and to many episodes of Oprah. Very few guys want to jump into a co-dependent relationship and no guys have subtitles reading: “looking for lonely and desperate.”

5. Here is another bit of advice. Most of these profiles include comments about how these women want to be treated seriously and with respect. However, the first thing you see is their profile picture with tons of cleavage hanging out everywhere in a low cut shirt, spaghetti strap shirt with high cut mid-rift as well. Yeah, nothing say treat me with respect like showing off your body to a guy to get attention.

6. Don’t mention that you just got out of a relationship. I have read some that actually say, “Just broke with boyfriend of _ years. Looking to date etc…” Yeah, REALLY healthy signals your sending there princess.

Speaking of which, don’t call yourself a princess either. While you may deserve to be treated like one, it comes across as pretty arrogant to be calling yourself that. I know, I call myself a Czar, but that is totally different.

Now there is an issue that is absolutely demanding to be dealt with in my blog next week. It has risen to a crisis level and I cannot ignore it any longer. I speak of course of the broadcast refuse known as Dancing with the Stars. Until then, look for me online as LONELYHOTCZAR4U.

Penguins on Parade

Greetings fair citizens. Today we mock Scientology but first...

It’s 9:00 P.M. and I am listening to various musicians pay to tribute to Carter Albrecht, local legend and music icon. He was a member of the local band Sorta and has made big headlines lately because he was shot and killed in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, the point is, there is tribute to him tonight, with various friends all playing his songs and reminiscing about him. It’s pretty good. Somehow I accidentally bought a CD of this girl that has been playing, but she was cute so oh well. Now let’s have some fun.

I almost didn’t pick on Scientology because it is to easy, sort of like picking on the fat kid in high school. (Which was pretty much me.) but I could not resist. Now to set this up it must be known that one of Scientology’s claims is that they can cure homosexuality, and if you think about it, who are two of it’s biggest stars? Tom Cruise and John Travolta, both rumored to be gay. So I started thinking, what other claims does Scientology make in order to attract people into joining. Here are a few I found.

Kirstie Alley – Scientology can cure obesity and addiction to Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Jesse Jackson – A cure to complete and utter social irrelevance.

Patrick Stewart- They can cure baldness. (A proposition I would be tempted to buy into.)

Kevin Costner – They can cure an unnatural desire to make bad baseball movies.

Brittany Spears – They can’t help her career but they can teach her to keep her panties on.

Magic Johnson – AIDS. (Yes, I just made an Aids joke, deal with it.)

Bob Dole – E.D. –but he would lose his Viagra sponsorship.

George Bush – A cure to bad foreign policy.

O.J. Simpson – A true fix to homicidal tendencies.

Donald Trump – Being an arrogant bastard.

Ted Kennedy – If anyone can cure a Kennedy of alcoholism, they can. Now if only they could resurrect his dead relatives.

Incredible Hulk – a cure for those anger issues.

Ok that’s enough of that for now. Let’s turn our eyes elsewhere…

Penguins March Against Global Warming.

Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica, - A plethora of Penguins, dressed to the nines, gathered on the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica, for the now historical Million Penguin March against Global Warming.

Scientist of the Bjorn Norwegian research station were in awe of the gathering. “It was amazing, suddenly out of nowhere, thousands of penguins began to converge on this one ice shelf.” Leif Svenoric said. “It was kind of freaky too, like the Doo-bee Doo-bee Doo Bud light commercials. We could only hope their intentions were peaceful. There was no way we could fight off that many of them and being pecked to death by little birds in tuxedos is last on my list of ways to die, which is right below freezing to death in some God forsaken ice land.”

“We can only assume they are protesting Global Warming.” Leif continued. “Since they could not gather in Washington or Prague, they are doing the best they can. Maybe now the world will take them seriously.”

The Penguins, for their part, waddled around a lot, jumped up and down, and then made a giant slide in the ice that the baby penguins played on.

It was not long before other creatures, also threatened by global warming, added their own weight to the gathering. Orca whales, several dozen of them, formed up on the edge of the ice shelf, seemingly cheering the Penguins on.

However, it wasn’t long before this peaceful protest of natural harmony was interrupted by disaster. As if to underscore the seriousness of the situation, the Ross Ice Shelf, already thin from global warming, shattered under the weight of a million Penguins, hurling them all into the sea below. At that point the Killer whales true intentions became clear as a feeding frenzy erupted.

“It was like an all you can eat bird buffet.” As Lief described it. Scientist shrieked in horror as the normally clear blue cold Antarctic water churned an icy blood red.

“We couldn’t believe what we were watching. The horror of it will haunt me all my life.” Says Svenoric as he takes another bite of pit roasted BBQ Penguin. “On the flip side, we did discover a great new food source”

This was my cat Sputnik. He was cylindrical and pointy. He was a stray just like me. I miss him.

Well, that’s about it for now good citizens of New Prussia. Keep on fighting. Next year in Berlin!

Oh Chaplain, My Chaplain

The time is 2:30 and as per usual I am rocking out to Wilco. Their concert is in a week so I have to get ready for it. I am still in the planning stages of moving to California. I just spent 600$ on car repairs so that might set me back a little but it’s better to get it done now then wait until my car breaks down and I am stuck in some God forsaken part of New Mexico or Arizona, waiting for help, only to end up in a scene that could be part of The Hills Have Eyes 3.

So my dad is a chaplain for a hospice. I have always admired my dad’s ministry and how he is able to encourage people and reach out to those in very desperate situations. However, it got me thinking about other chaplain jobs available and what they would be like.

Dallas Cowboys: Yes, the ‘boys have a chaplain on staff. I would probably die from excitement if my dad got this job. I wonder what it is like? Is the Bible your playbook? Instead of a clipboard with plays do you walk around with a clipboard of tracks? Maybe you teach players the 3:16 Defense instead of the 3:4. Do you implement a Romans Road offense or more of a free will scheme that allows players to make plays on their own? Of course, watch out for the Redskins, they are all going to hell.

Charlie Chaplain: Okay, bad pun but I had to add it. I would hate to see my dad walking around with a little black moustache, black derby and cane. Besides, Charlie Chaplain was an Atheist, pretty ironic considering his last name.

Army Chaplain: A very noble profession but I can’t help but picture some big bad ass chaplain running around all tough and yelling at soldiers; “Are you saved, soldier?” –“Sir yes sir!” – “Do you want to go to hell!”- “NO SIR!”. “What’s hell for soldier?” –“Hell is for the Taliban sir!” –“What army are you in?” –“I’m in the Lord’s army, yes sir!” They then bust into an entertaining round of “I may actually march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, and shoot the artillery, but I’m in the Lord’s army.” It seems Baptists would excel at this profession.

Chaplain to the Senate: Yes, the United States Senate has a chaplain on staff. I have to think this is probably the most bored chaplain in the country. He has no ministry and sits around all day doing nothing because let’s face, no politician has a conscious, and they certainly aren’t going to seek spiritual guidance, unless maybe there is a scandal. Which leads us to…

Senator Larry Craig- caught soliciting gay sex in men's public restrooms. Congress has discussed launching a probe to investigate this matter, but seriously, it seems to me that Senator Craig has been probed enough already as it is.

How does one just solicit sex in a men's restroom anyway? It seems pretty forward. "Um excuse me, would you mind picking up that roll of toilet paper for me?" Do you think he tried it at the men's restroom on Capitol Hill? "Excuse me but, would you be interested in...oh my apologies Hillary, I didn't realize that was you in there." Maybe he could get Ted Kennedy drunk.

I'm trying to think of name for my California trip planning. Maybe Operation Bikini or something like that. Anyways, until next time, have fun.

Greetings all, the time is 11:54 and I am listening to These Eyes, by The Guess Who. A random band from the 70s, but a great song none-the-less. So for those of you who don’t know, I have decided to try and move to California. Yes that’s right, it’s high time I hit the road. I really have little reason to be here anymore, outside of family. I have more good friends there then I do here right now. I am completely bored and uninspired here and while I do not want to flatter myself, one friend said to me “you are to smart to stay in Dallas,” which I appreciated greatly. How often do you get then chance to go live somewhere as cool as Southern California? Anyways, hopefully, Lord willing I will be out there soon. Now for some random stuff.

A 70 year old butt naked white man. That was NOT what I was expecting to see when I turned the corner into the men’s locker room at 24 Hour Fitness, yet that was the vivid image I was confronted with and now forced to deal with. He was just there, next to the sinks, not doing much of anything. I blinked and quickly turned the corner to the lockers. Now the showers are tucked nicely away around the corners and each one has a little cubby that you can use to dry off and change in, but no not this brave elderly gentleman.

He proudly stands with his sagging belly and pasty skin for all to see. I quickly put my stuff in my locker and gave it a minute or so. Maybe he will be gone by now, or even better, have clothes on. I take a breath and turn the corner. There he is, butt naked still, bending over and rubbing lotion on his legs. I shudder and run. The image still haunts me to this day and I quiver before I enter the locker room from now on.

This sounds like a Miller Lights Real Men of Genius advertisement, you know, we salute you, Mr. Proud-To-Be-Old-And-Butt-Naked. You, who proudly displays your pasty white gut and your purple veins. When older normal men would show even a modicum of modesty and restraint, you bare it all for everyone around you to see.

This next part I wrote just to practice writing..

Here is a profile of a customer of ours. I have changed the name to supposedly protect the innocent here but lets face it, anyone reading this that works at my store will know who he is. Raphael always walks in looking a little lost, as if he isn’t sure where he is or at least, what café he is at. I am sure that if he didn’t have a note to remind himself every morning, he would forget to put his pats on. I have seen him at various other coffee shops throughout the area at equally various times of night. He’s an accountant and seems to live in his own little world, oblivious to most other things around him. His mind must be a chalkboard filled with equations and numbers, consigns and statistics, logarithms and proofs. There could be an abacus tucked away in there as well. He always orders a doppio macchiato, always, but half of the time he fumbles around as if he is trying to think of it. He sits down and starts reading the paper or possibly works a crossword puzzle. You call his drink three times and give up because more often then not he forgets about it. He also has a little Chihuahua that stays in his car, unless he sits outside. Then he lets the little runt out. He is, beyond all doubt, hopelessly single. Perhaps that’s why he is so wrapped up in his own little world of mathematics and theories.

Anyways, not much else in the way of news here. Catch you later.

Blog Con

It is 8:12 P.M. I am at a Starbucks and listening to the new Feist album. I really like about half of it, the other half is decent. Anyways, as some of you, but hopefully not very many of you may know, I recently went to the premier nerd convention in the country, Comic-Con. I have to admit I was pretty skeptical going into this thing but after it’s all been said and done, I must admit I was impressed. This is no mere small time Lone Star Comics show. This place transcends all of nerdom. It has TV, film, comics, art, video games, vendors and more programs then the Neo could hack through. They showed sneak previews for the pilot episodes of the Bionic Woman and The Sarah Conner Chronicles (from terminator) and afterwards the cast and crew did Q&A’s. Additionally the cast and crew of Hero’s, Futurama and Battlestar Galactica showed up for Q&A’s. Names like Ray Bradbury, Neil Gaiman, Frank Miller, Stan Lee and scores of artist, writers and actors were present and it was even rumored that Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba made appearances too. It was quite a show. Of course there were scores of people dressed up in various costumes, some come cool, some lame, and some very revealing. I have decided I will have to divide this into two blogs rather then one blog larger then a Balrog. I will post some pictures to at some point here.

But now, I have a top ten list and article for you to read.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Comic-Con

10. Discovering the frozen bliss that is Yugurtland.

9. Vendor babes who act mildly interested in you just to sell you crap.

8. Clogged Toilets at the Holiday Inn.

7. Nothing cooler then cruising around San Diego in a minivan.

6. Think you’re life is bitter? Try being Will Eaton. (Wesley Crusher for you non nerds)

5. After seeing some of these people, suddenly I don’t feel nearly as nerdy as I used to.

4. Summer Glau in person.

3. It’s good knowing you’re not the only virgin out there.

2. Men dressed as Spartan’s who obviously need to go to the gays in comics workshop.

and the number one reason to attend comic-con…

1. Princess Leia Slave Girl Outfits!!!!!!!!!!

Nerds Descend on San Diego, Thousands Flee.

July 26-29, San Diego, in what can only be described as a nightmarish scene from some sort of hell for jocks, 130,000 some odd nerds, geeks and weirdo’s invaded the normally chill city of San Diego, CA.

Local residents fled by car, tram, plane, ships, blimp, you name it, trying to avoid the plague that had descended upon them. Many other residents had become accustomed to the yearly migration and were fully prepared, having found ways to cope in years past.

“The important thing to do is not let their nerdiness rub off you.” Says Robert Mitchell, a banker who lives in the greater San Diego area. “I try to do all the cool things I can that weekend, things they would never do. Go places they would never go. I usually go surfing that weekend and I try to bag at least two different chicks. They avoid the beaches since most of them have never seen the sunlight. Bars are another decent bet since at least half of them can’t get in. Going to a frat party is another good idea.”

Unfortunately there are those innocent victims who did not know any better. Many were on vacation in San Diego and found their normally fun trips ruined by roving bands of stormtroopers and animae look a likes.

“My and my friends came down here to party this weekend,” says Todd Archer college student and member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, “When we got down here we were really freaked out. Where are all the babes? Instead I was hit on by a girl wearing blue paint. I think my friend slept with a Jawa. It was horrible. The entire trip was ruined.”

The city of San Diego has considered issuing nation wide travel warning for this time year. Perhaps it is time they do before it’s to late.

Of course, now that I'm back in town, I'm faced with the dilemma of trying to explain to people that I went all the way down to San Diego with my college buddies and we didn’t party or chase girls, while trying to avoid telling them exactly what we did do. Dang, the life of a nerd is hard. Later gang.