Greetings all, the time is 11:54 and I am listening to These Eyes, by The Guess Who. A random band from the 70s, but a great song none-the-less. So for those of you who don’t know, I have decided to try and move to California. Yes that’s right, it’s high time I hit the road. I really have little reason to be here anymore, outside of family. I have more good friends there then I do here right now. I am completely bored and uninspired here and while I do not want to flatter myself, one friend said to me “you are to smart to stay in Dallas,” which I appreciated greatly. How often do you get then chance to go live somewhere as cool as Southern California? Anyways, hopefully, Lord willing I will be out there soon. Now for some random stuff.

A 70 year old butt naked white man. That was NOT what I was expecting to see when I turned the corner into the men’s locker room at 24 Hour Fitness, yet that was the vivid image I was confronted with and now forced to deal with. He was just there, next to the sinks, not doing much of anything. I blinked and quickly turned the corner to the lockers. Now the showers are tucked nicely away around the corners and each one has a little cubby that you can use to dry off and change in, but no not this brave elderly gentleman.

He proudly stands with his sagging belly and pasty skin for all to see. I quickly put my stuff in my locker and gave it a minute or so. Maybe he will be gone by now, or even better, have clothes on. I take a breath and turn the corner. There he is, butt naked still, bending over and rubbing lotion on his legs. I shudder and run. The image still haunts me to this day and I quiver before I enter the locker room from now on.

This sounds like a Miller Lights Real Men of Genius advertisement, you know, we salute you, Mr. Proud-To-Be-Old-And-Butt-Naked. You, who proudly displays your pasty white gut and your purple veins. When older normal men would show even a modicum of modesty and restraint, you bare it all for everyone around you to see.

This next part I wrote just to practice writing..

Here is a profile of a customer of ours. I have changed the name to supposedly protect the innocent here but lets face it, anyone reading this that works at my store will know who he is. Raphael always walks in looking a little lost, as if he isn’t sure where he is or at least, what café he is at. I am sure that if he didn’t have a note to remind himself every morning, he would forget to put his pats on. I have seen him at various other coffee shops throughout the area at equally various times of night. He’s an accountant and seems to live in his own little world, oblivious to most other things around him. His mind must be a chalkboard filled with equations and numbers, consigns and statistics, logarithms and proofs. There could be an abacus tucked away in there as well. He always orders a doppio macchiato, always, but half of the time he fumbles around as if he is trying to think of it. He sits down and starts reading the paper or possibly works a crossword puzzle. You call his drink three times and give up because more often then not he forgets about it. He also has a little Chihuahua that stays in his car, unless he sits outside. Then he lets the little runt out. He is, beyond all doubt, hopelessly single. Perhaps that’s why he is so wrapped up in his own little world of mathematics and theories.

Anyways, not much else in the way of news here. Catch you later.

Blog Con

It is 8:12 P.M. I am at a Starbucks and listening to the new Feist album. I really like about half of it, the other half is decent. Anyways, as some of you, but hopefully not very many of you may know, I recently went to the premier nerd convention in the country, Comic-Con. I have to admit I was pretty skeptical going into this thing but after it’s all been said and done, I must admit I was impressed. This is no mere small time Lone Star Comics show. This place transcends all of nerdom. It has TV, film, comics, art, video games, vendors and more programs then the Neo could hack through. They showed sneak previews for the pilot episodes of the Bionic Woman and The Sarah Conner Chronicles (from terminator) and afterwards the cast and crew did Q&A’s. Additionally the cast and crew of Hero’s, Futurama and Battlestar Galactica showed up for Q&A’s. Names like Ray Bradbury, Neil Gaiman, Frank Miller, Stan Lee and scores of artist, writers and actors were present and it was even rumored that Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba made appearances too. It was quite a show. Of course there were scores of people dressed up in various costumes, some come cool, some lame, and some very revealing. I have decided I will have to divide this into two blogs rather then one blog larger then a Balrog. I will post some pictures to at some point here.

But now, I have a top ten list and article for you to read.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Comic-Con

10. Discovering the frozen bliss that is Yugurtland.

9. Vendor babes who act mildly interested in you just to sell you crap.

8. Clogged Toilets at the Holiday Inn.

7. Nothing cooler then cruising around San Diego in a minivan.

6. Think you’re life is bitter? Try being Will Eaton. (Wesley Crusher for you non nerds)

5. After seeing some of these people, suddenly I don’t feel nearly as nerdy as I used to.

4. Summer Glau in person.

3. It’s good knowing you’re not the only virgin out there.

2. Men dressed as Spartan’s who obviously need to go to the gays in comics workshop.

and the number one reason to attend comic-con…

1. Princess Leia Slave Girl Outfits!!!!!!!!!!

Nerds Descend on San Diego, Thousands Flee.

July 26-29, San Diego, in what can only be described as a nightmarish scene from some sort of hell for jocks, 130,000 some odd nerds, geeks and weirdo’s invaded the normally chill city of San Diego, CA.

Local residents fled by car, tram, plane, ships, blimp, you name it, trying to avoid the plague that had descended upon them. Many other residents had become accustomed to the yearly migration and were fully prepared, having found ways to cope in years past.

“The important thing to do is not let their nerdiness rub off you.” Says Robert Mitchell, a banker who lives in the greater San Diego area. “I try to do all the cool things I can that weekend, things they would never do. Go places they would never go. I usually go surfing that weekend and I try to bag at least two different chicks. They avoid the beaches since most of them have never seen the sunlight. Bars are another decent bet since at least half of them can’t get in. Going to a frat party is another good idea.”

Unfortunately there are those innocent victims who did not know any better. Many were on vacation in San Diego and found their normally fun trips ruined by roving bands of stormtroopers and animae look a likes.

“My and my friends came down here to party this weekend,” says Todd Archer college student and member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, “When we got down here we were really freaked out. Where are all the babes? Instead I was hit on by a girl wearing blue paint. I think my friend slept with a Jawa. It was horrible. The entire trip was ruined.”

The city of San Diego has considered issuing nation wide travel warning for this time year. Perhaps it is time they do before it’s to late.

Of course, now that I'm back in town, I'm faced with the dilemma of trying to explain to people that I went all the way down to San Diego with my college buddies and we didn’t party or chase girls, while trying to avoid telling them exactly what we did do. Dang, the life of a nerd is hard. Later gang.

Back From the Wild

Greetings fair citizens, the time is 8:45 and I am listening to Wilco- Being There, one of their earliest CD’s but it rocks.

Now I know it has been some time since I have blogged sweetly and I have to confess that I had been quite uninspired and maybe even down right bored as of late. However I am trying to force myself to get back into the swing of things.

So my dad and I went to Yellowstone National Park a little over a month ago. It was glorious and consisted of some good father/son time with no arguments, believe it or not. We saw lots of animals and due to how early in the year it was many of them had just given birth or were doing so while we were there. The mountains were gorgeous and on our first day there it actually snowed. The rest of the week the weather was in the 50’s and 60’s. The place is astounding but despite it immense beauty and majesty, in my opinion, the true power of Yellowstone lies in its quiet ability to heal the soul. However, I know you aren’t here to read about how great it was.

I do have a special treat for you today, my journal that I kept while on the trip. So it is with great honor that I present to you what I call….

The Yellow (Stone) Pages:

Mon, 28 May, 2007- Dear Diary, I cannot tell you what a great day it has been. We flew into Salt Lake City, the whitest airport in the world. On the plane I had to go to the bathroom. Let me tell you, using the cramped, smelly, restroom on the plane resulted in a truly great moment in OCD history. I think I can still smell the urine on my hands.

From Salt Lake we got a small turbo prop plane. I sat at the window by the propellers. As we flew, I watched them spinning and I must admit, I felt a little like Indiana Jones on his way to some great adventure, only without the whip, hat, gun, hot girl, or great adventure. Landed in Cody. Went to sleep.

Tues, 29 May, 2007 – Dear Diary, Pa and I woke up early, hopped in the car and began the hour or so drive to the park along the Chief Joseph Highway. Along the way we stopped at a pass that the great Native American leader Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce tribe led his people through as they tired to flee the reservation and escape to Canada. The government caught many of them and forced them back to the reservation. Many also died along the way, however some did escape. I am sure the fact the highway is named after him however makes up for everything. Silly Native Americans, trying to flee the reservation indeed! Arrived in Cooke City and got our rooms for the week.

Wed, 30 May 2007. – Pa and I went hiking. Along the way we ran into our first grizzly bear. We startled it and it was not happy with us. It looked so cute and cuddly until it decided it wanted to eat us. Pa and I ran but the grizzly was faster. While we were running Pa tripped me and I fell down as he ran on. Fortunately, I remembered you were supposed to play dead in this situation. The bear sniffed and pawed at me as I lay on the ground, but it got bored and soon left. Pa’s quick thinking saved us all. I named the bear Mr. Chocolate. I wuv you Mr. Chocolate.

Thurs, 31 May 2007 – Dear Diary, I have to be careful writing in you now. Last night Pa caught me and said that only queers and girls keep diaries, and that if he ever caught me again he would beat me and throw me back to Mr. Chocolate. Today we saw a wolf being chased by 3 coyotes, a marmot, a bald eagle and more buffalo then you could drive to extinction. We also saw a red fox.. I decided I want one for a pet. I have heard of people doing this before and I think they are cool. They are the perfect cross between a cat and a dog and let’s face it, they would go great with my hair.

Fri, 1 June 2007 - Dear Diary- I miss my Mom and cried last night after we went to bed. We will be home soon though. This was the last full day in the park. We saw the geysers and mud pools. It was scary but neat. We found a spot where they have these steaming hot pools of water. The sulfur smelled like rotten eggs and reminded me of the time I ate chilidogs at the Dairyette. We decided to try and cook hot dogs over the boiling water. I made a joke about having an old geezer by an old geyser. Pa laughed and then pushed me in. The searing hot water really burned and left marks on my body but afterwards I had to admit, it was pretty funny.

Sat, 2 June 2007 – Dearest of Diaries today was the last day of the trip. We drove through the park one last time. Pa asked me if I wanted him to just leave me here while he went back to Dallas. I was flattered that he wanted my vacation to continue even when his ended but I decided that I didn’t want to stay after all. He looked disappointed. That night we drove back to Cody and ate Pizza Hut. Good-bye Mr. Chocolate.

Sun, 3 June 2007 – Dear Diary - We flew back to Dallas today. Mom was waiting for us at the airport. It was good to see her again and I told her all about the great time Pa and I had together. I can’t wait until some day I have my own son to take such great trips with.

Well as you can see, at my father’s expense, we had a fun time together and it was nice to go nearly a whole week without seeing a Starbucks. I really did make the joke about having an old geezer by an old geyser. I’ll try and post a couple of pictures soon. Catch ya later.

Yellowstone, Here I Roam

The time is 9:15 and I am listening to Wilco’s new album. It is, of course, brilliant. Now normally I go to a quiet little coffee shop on Northwest Highway but tonight I felt like doing something different. I felt like going somewhere cool and trendy, so I went to the Starbucks in Uptown. Now I have mixed feelings about places like this. They are cute and fun for a while, and I like some of the stores and styles that I see along the way, but eventually I get tired of it. Eventually it becomes that impossibly fake and hopelessly shallow North Dallas feel that I hate so much, even though it’s near downtown. Pretty people in cool clothes and acting like they have it all together. I prefer to call it UpYours.

So as an addendum to my last entrée, I thought of another power I would like to have. Optical Eye Zoom I would call it, the ability for my eyes to zoom in on one thing across the room and see it clearly. Let’s say I am sitting here and across they way a young man is reading a book. He is in deep thought and has a look of consternation on his face. Is it a graphic novel? Is it something by C.S. Lewis? I do not know, but if I had eye zoom I could focus in on it and see what it is. If it was C.S. Lewis I could then pray for the young lad to have understanding. Better yet, if it is a cute girl reading C.S. Lewis and then I could go over there and ask her what she thinks of, stating that I too, was a Lewis fan and quite familiar with his works. That would be cool.

I have two new inventions for you tonight.

The All New Club for Dogs: I have heard of people getting their dogs chipped with tracking devices so that if they escape and get loose they can be found. My friend Scott’s dog, Cody, is a good example of this. Well, he was, Cody is too fat to go anywhere now days, but he used to be. So if they are chipped, they could still get out and get run over etc. That’s why I propose the club, for dogs. It works like the club for cars really. You attach it to the front leg on one side, and cross underneath the dog and attach the other end to the opposite back foot. Then turn the lock and presto! Your dog can’t walk anywhere! I would advice putting a food bowl next to him in case he gets hungry. I am also currently working on a Club for children too.

The TZ-2 Self Defense Cell Phone: Phones these days do everything. They play MP3’s, download email, re-shingle houses, surf the net, hold entire day planners, you name it. Why not have one for self-defense? My phone comes with a built in Taser that you can use to stun somebody if you ever feel threatened. Great for women especially. Just Zap! And they are down for the count. Please be careful not accidentally zap yourself while you are talking on the phone. If you could create an EMP explosion without setting off a nuke I would make a phone with an EMP device as well.

I went to the dentist the other day. I have a complaint here. Every time I go they give me nothing but bad news. This probably corresponds directly to the fact that I never go until I feel something is wrong. Most of you have probably heard Bill Cosby’s famous bit about the dentist. I have my own rant as well. Namely this. They take your X-rays and what do they do? They put this big lead cover your body to protect you. Never mind the fact they have a freakin’ LASER pointed right at your unshielded face! I’m like, oh ok this thing is dangerous enough to put a lead blanket over my body but you can aim it directly at my head for some reason? I don’t get it.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I am going to Yellowstone National Park next week so hopefully I will come back with some good new material. Take care, next year in Berlin.

Red Czar Diaries

The time is 8:15 and I am listening to the mixed cacophony of various conversations, coffee grinders, and music that is playing on the floor below me. In my lat blog, I mentioned I was going to make fun of Thomas Kincade, Painter of light. However, to do so properly I need my digital camera, which I lost in New York. So the Thomas Kincade entry will have to wait until I can borrow one. Instead here are some quick hits to amuse you.

Secret Confessions of the Czar:

1. Don’t you hate it when, you awaken some powerful and ancient evil, thinking that by doing so it will in turn show you favor and instead it completely turns on you? I hate it when that happens, it’s such a buzz kill.

2. Sometimes, when I make a fast hand or arm motion, I wish that a
”swish” sound effect would play, just like in the cheesy 70’s Kung Fu and Ninja movies. Alternately, and much more often, when I move slow and deliberately, I wish a mechanical robotic whirring noise would play.

3. I also wish whenever I enter a room that the Imperial march from Star Wars would play. I would love to have this play when the groomsmen and I walk out for my wedding, however I really don’t want a Star Wars theme wedding. Now Lord of the Rings….

4. This is weird, but often when I see a bug like a mosquito flying around my head, I wish I was part lizard and could whip out a long slender tongue and gobble it down. It’s not so much that I want to eat bugs, I just think of the look on the bugs face as the completely unexpected happens.

5. I also occasionally wish that my finger could mold into the shape of keys for any lock and instead of using a key I could just use my finger. I would never misplace my keys again.

6. Have you ever noticed how strange the word weird is? What is the rule they teach you in elementary school? I before E, except after C. However in a self-fulfilling move the word weird lives up to it’s own definition and is spelt with the E before the I without the presence of the C.


There are some other more generic things to, like snapping my finger to clean my room like Mary Poppins did, or being able to fly or breath underwater, but these are some of the more unique ones.

Perhaps you have some strange secret desire? If so please let me know. I would love to hear them.

It has been brought to my attention from my fellow watchdogs of Christian culture that there is now a Christian version of YouTube. It is called GodTube and can be found at www.godtube.com . Maybe God can post some videos of himself? I fail to see why anyone would ever create such stupid web site. It has inspired me, nonetheless, to create my own set of Christian web sites.

-El Shaddai Tunes- A place for Christian music trading. (Especially Amy Grant)

-AlphaOmega- A Christian search engine.

-Predestination Station- I know we already have equally yoked, but this is my own dating site for those meant to be.

-Girls Gone Wild for God- Check out videos of hot Christian chicks serving the Lord on spring break mission trips.

-AOHell - An internet provider for Christians

Pearly Gateway- Where Christians can buy computers.


Well that about does it for now. Catch you later.