Merry Christmas All

Merry Christmas everyone, it is 8:00 P.M and I have been listening to Ray LaMontagne. This year I will make a New Year's resolution to blog more. I have little intention of keeping it but I will none the less resolve to try.
On my last post the question of how do we celebrate the holidays in New Prussia? This is an excellent question. While the holidays in New Prussia have yet to be fully defined, several traditions have so far emerged. One, much ale and mead are drunk up by the populace. Good, thick Prussian ale, stolen from Belgium. Two, there is no Father Christmas in Prussia, there is however, somebody much better and much more loved by all. A being so great and majestic and so revered and benevolent it is hard to even imagine. I speak of course of Papa Czar. He has a big Russian hat and rides a war horse instead and wears a cloak. On Christmas Eve he goes around and rewards all good Prussian children with swords, muskets, bayonets, shields, armor and other neat weapons to help them take part in their great Prussian heritage. Which leads us to tradition three, the Yule Time Conquest, where everyone gathers along the border of France, hurls insults at them, and then we recreate the many conquests we have had over them. Afterwards we return home to more Ale. This sounds like a fine holiday to me and one any good citizen of Prussia would enjoy.

And Now...

More Great Moments in OCD History:
1. I was at the nursing home Christmas party a few days ago when this peculiar festive obsession occurred. They were serving punch out of a bowl with a large dipper. (Or is that ladle?) Anyways, I noticed the guy pouring punch out missed the cup and poured it all over his hand. This would have been okay except the fact his hand was over the punch bowl and it all trickled down over his fingers and back into the punch bowl. This guy was the program director and was setting up tables and chairs and shaking hands with people earlier as well. Needless to say this turned the punch into a seething stew of virulent infections. A moment later my Dad asks me if I wanted punch. Despite all odds I went ahead and said yes. Anxiety set in but I had just eaten and needed a drink so I decided to just ignore it. Anxiety set in immediatly as my dad brought back the festering cup of plague and set it before me. I swallowed hard, picked it up and drank it down. I'm waiting for the toxicology report to come back and tell me how many diseases I have.

2. This is something I think it hilarious and tragic and all rolled up together. As some of you know, I was working at Sears for a little while. Well, what you may not know was that it was in the vacuum department. Now people with OCD often have a thing about floors and dirt and germs. Think of all the junk on floors, all the dirty shoes walking across it, all the bugs and in our case mice, around. Think of all the nasty junk collected in vacuums and here I am, OCD boy being asked to demo and sale Vacuums! This included pouring dirt out, vacuuming it up, picking stuff out of the beater bar when it jammed (GROSS!) and unclogging vacuums brought back in (Equally as Gross). Every day after work I would scrub my hands down like a surgeon. Needless to say it was a trying experience but oh, the irony of it all! I'm surprised I made it as long as I did.

Well everyone, that's about all I have for now. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. Screw Kwanza

P.S. Here is a picture of Papa Czar.

Hello all, it is 8:30 P.M and I am listening to the Redwalls. For those of you free wheeling, 60's loving, blues music you should listen to them. You would dig them, they have a great groove. The do sound like Bob Dylan only none of them are over 22 and they are from Chicago, and it isn't cool that kids that young can be so cool.

Tales of Woe from History:
Here is a sad story. You probably have all heard of Black Monday. The tragic day of 28 October, 1929, when the world economic systems failed and the Great Depression hit America. Well, little did you know there was yet another Black Monday that also caused a second Great Depression. That's right folks, last Monday, the 28 November 2005 is yet another day that will live in infamy. For you see it was this day, this horrific and most terrible of days, that I, R. Jefferson Jordan and self proclaimed Czar of New Prussia, turned 30! From hence forth it will forever be known as Black Monday as well. Weep not for me, I shall survive. I just spent the day drunk, curled up in a little ball on the floor of my room mourning the loss of my youth. My roommates would occasionally open the door and throw cold water on me just to make sure I was alive. It is a weird thing to turn 30. They say it is the new 20, only a twenty that gives you more trouble in the bathroom. (see blog entry, These Old Bones, for more details.)
I look back over the last decade and don't know what to think. I seem to see more failures then successes but that is usually the way I see things. In all, honesty I am not sure how to judge the last ten years. I guess it is like any other part of life. In some way it exceeds all expectations and in others it is a total buzz kill. (Especially in the area of my lack of romances.) To be honest, it doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. I'm just glad that I didn't get roasted like my poor friend the Rhino did when he turned 30.

Speaking of Days of Infamy: Today was December 7th, the day Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese 64 years ago. I have lot's of thoughts on the issue but I can't voice the majority of them because they are probably not to P.C. I suppose we got them back in the end. Some people wonder if the dropping of the A-Bomb was really the right thing to do. Those people are morons because, trust me here, most military and history buffs tend to agree it was. Pearl Harbor also started the U.S. involvement in a war that would later produce some of my favourite childhood movies. Oh and it also gave rise to one very crappy movie with Ben Affleck.

Stories From Sears:
What Lies Beneath: I have two stories from working in the mall I would like to share. One, I was walking through the mall the other day and I saw a middle eastern lady shopping. She had the full outfit on. The long robes, the head covering, the scarf thing around her neck, you get the idea. You could only see her hands and face. I tell you all of this because, get this, she was shopping in Victoria's Secret. Go figure. I guess what lies beneath the veil is another story altogether.

The accidental Applauding of Mormonism: The second tale is that there was this guy names Caesar who I really liked. He was a really, really nice, funny guy and very thoughtful and smart. I always enjoyed talking to him at work. Well, I hoped he was a Christian and I asked him one day what his beliefs were. He responded, "Oh, I am a Christian." I said "Alright!" and made a little fist pump action. Then he follows up with, "Yeah I go to the church of Latter Day Saints." All my joy immediately came crashing down around me and I could not think of any viable way out of the situation. I mean, seriously, what could I do from there. Just imagine my dismay. All I could really do is mutter something like, "Oh really, that's interesting." And then turn and stalk of with my tail between my legs as I went to apologize to the Lord for accidentally committing blasphemy and approving of Mormonism.

Well that's it for now folks, stay tuned for next entry with more great moments in OCD History.

Fusion Update

It is Sunday night, France is burning and I am listening to Travis. You will have to excuse me, I have been sick the last three or four days and haven't felt like doing anything. It's some kind of sinus infection or something like that. It may even be Malaria or Scarlet Fever or even Scurvy.

As my prior post indicated, last weekend I attended the Fusion conference in the DFW area. It was awesome. The whole point of the conference was to encourage singles to do something with their lives. It also was geared to helping you find out what that might be and putting you in contact with people who can help you down that path. The speakers were tremendous and dead on target and for you Caedmon's fans they led the praise and worship. At one point they asked us to write down if we could do anything, regardless or time and money, what would it be? I put be a writer or possibly a late night talk show host. I wanted to put down be a dictator as well but decided that was to unbiblical and just plain silly to boot.
Margaret Feinberg spoke as well. She was a liberal arts major who had no clue what to do with life until she discovered writing. Anyways, I was highly encouraged by her story. I think there are two things I got out of the conference.

1. I believe I am called to write. This may sound like a gimme but it is something I have really wrestled with. I mean that it sounds so pie in the sky, like a kid who says he wants to be an astronaut, so it has really been a challenge for me to embrace the idea. Perhaps the truth of the matter is that it has been a challenge to embrace the idea God would be good enough to call me to something so cool. I always have struggled with accepting His goodness. Anyways, after the conference, I am sure of the call to writing and I have a great joy and peace about it. I have no idea where it will take me or what form it will take. I could be published someday or I may end up just blogging. It could be short stories or novels or articles, and it may take two years or ten, I really do not know but I aim to find out.

2. I am open to the idea of missions. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I love to glorify God and serve in churches and I would love to live overseas, so why not do both? Now, I am not saying I feel called to do this, but what I am saying is I'm very open to the idea of doing so and I think I should explore it some more. That alone is a miracle seeing as how in the past I would dig my heals into the dirt at the very thought of missions or ministry. Anyways, I will explore that path as it seems best through prayer.

And now for the moment you have all been waiting for: the start of a new segment, Great Moments in OCD History. Yes folks that's right, OCD is here and it has left its mark in time and space. This segment is compromised of many tales of obsession. It could be something historical that contributed to or took away from OCD (such as the discovery of anti-depressants), it could be something that happened to me personally or even something I read or heard about. It is wide open to interpretation but it's all good as well. So without further ado, and I don't know how the bang can live up to the hype, I give you:

Great Moments in OCD History:

1. The mission trip: The names have been changed to protect the innocent in this first story. My friends, Ronnie and Jenny Mavis, as well as several other people I know, went on a mission trip to Morocco this summer. While there they went into to minister to the Berber tribes. They are the native tribes who still live the rural life in the wild desert mountains of North Africa. The restroom facilities pretty much consisted of a hole in the ground in a little shack. Hand washing equipment was non-existent. So what do they do for sanitation? I will tell you. Whenever somebody has to go, they use their left hand (or maybe it's the right) for bathroom purposes. This is important because at dinner the use a community bowl that everyone dips out of. For dinner they all use the OTHER hand to eat with and dip into the bowl. This would drive anyone with OCD crazy, just the mere presence of unwashed hands around a dinner table would be enough to make me insane. Add that to the community bowl and I think I would lose it. Consequently my fears would have been justified because all but two people on the trip got very sick from the bowl passing. I mean sick in the, you don't want to be sick in the desert without clean bathrooms, kind of sick. So my fears were doubly rationalized. This is truly a great moment in OCD history and also shows why, if I am called to missions, then it is to somewhere posh and civilized, like Western Europe.

2. The office. This is a true tail of an event that happened to me a few days ago and I decided it had to make the list. I went to an office for a visit. On the way in I decided to go to the restroom. I find said location and see a sign that says, "Doors are kept locked, get keys from secretary." Great, that's a recipe for disease, I thought. Taking keys in and out of restrooms is just not a good idea. So I suck it up and do it. In the process I drop the keys on the bathroom floor. Now the bathroom floor of a men's room is not at all like that of a women's room. It is a thing to be avoided at all costs. It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. So that made things worse. Then after delicately picking the keys up, I wash my hands, turn to dry them, only to realize that there were no paper towels, only an air dryer! So I dry my hands but I notice that the door is locked and has a knob, and I have no paper towels to open them with. So I think I used my shirt tail, mediocre at best, and walk out with the dirty keys in my hand, wondering just where I could wash myself clean again and how long it would be. The real kicker is the office was a doctor's office! They know better! How could they? Then again it could be brilliant. In house therapy and the spread of Typhoid and other diseases would keep patients coming back over and over again with the sickness's they got from the badly designed restrooms. Go figure.

Well that's it for now folks. I hope you enjoyed the new segment. Faith, as for foot washing I am juxtapositionally opposed to the Christian tradition of foot washing ceremonies. Then again, I try to keep my feet clothed in socks most of the time anyways. More to come.

By the way, does anyone think this trouble in France is merely an accident? On no my friends, Prussian agents have been working at this for sometime and now the undermining of the European Union's infrastructure is well under way. Muahahahhah.

In closing I will leave you with a couple of pictures of me and the pumpkin I carved for Halloween. Like father like son I suppose. Later.

This Just In

I just went to the Fusion Conference at Irving Bible this week. It was awesome. Really it was just what I needed to hear on so many levels. I will wright more on it soon, but I am tired right now. I met Margaret Feinberg as well, who spoke on writing, which was really encouraging because her story seems simliar to mine in alot of ways. She also reads my friend, Nicole's blog, which is pretty cool as well. Perhaps you would like to read something from the past for now? I recommend A Mighty Wind Doth Bloweth or maybe Czar and Away Vol 1 or 2.
I will, however, tease a new segment I have created for New Prussia that shall appear in my next entry. Picture, if you will, in bold font, (Drum roll please...).......Great Moments In OCD History.
To Be Continued.

A Little Bit of Social Satire

Well, perhaps updating my blog once a week was a little ambitious on my part. I seemed to have underestimated the level of my own laziness. Once a month seems much more viable. As to those of you interested in my life I am still trying to figure out what to do or where to go. I feel I'm supposed to be just waiting for something but as to what I have no clue. It is currently 8:30 P.M on Wednesday night and I am listening to Sufjan Stevens.

Now that Hurricane Katrina had a little distance let's look at it some more. Here are some real fake articles I made up.

Rich White People Hit By Hurricane As Well! -New York Times
Associated Press- New Orleans, LA. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina comes a surprising shock. News reel highlights and photojournalists everywhere captured hundreds of images of the poor, inner city filled with destruction and chaos. Amid that destruction another important fact went unnoticed until recently. In the uptown affluent area known as Audubon Park, old antebellum mansions have sustained serious damage. Porches have fallen over and swimming pools are filled with mud and waste. Hot tubs have been destroyed and private gardens and gazebos have ceased to exist.
"I never thought that a Hurricane would hit us as well. I thought being rich and white, as well as protestant, would protect us from the storm. Now I just don't know what to do." Quotes Nathaniel Beauregard, a sugar refinery owner. "I mean look at this place. My SUV is flooded and useless now. The golf course at the country club is a quagmire. Where will I go to smoke cigars and meet good ole' boys now?"
"I doubt our Southern way of life has been this disrupted since the Civil War," adds his wife, Mirabelle Beauregard. "I thought the government was supposed to prevent this. How could they let this happen to us? I thought our tax breaks protected us. We may have to winter in our summer home in upstate New York. Just the thought makes me shudder!"
Black leaders, naturally, are dubious of the damage. Rev. William Jones of the Canal Street Mission says, "We don't really believe this has happened until we see it. The thought of this happening to the aristocratic southern bougiouse is absurd. We know this storm is all racially motivated and I strongly suspect the government itself went into Audubon Park and caused damage just to hide the fact that the rich were protected."
Indeed, many have long suspected the government of spending millions on the Natural Disaster Defense Networks, a system that costs billions and is aimed at protecting the upper crust of society from such events. There is still however no proof the program really exists.
"Even if they were hit by the storm then of course they got cleaned up first," continued the Rev. Jones.
Mr. Beauregard could only respond in shock, "I agree it seems far fetched but we have suffered from this storm as well. We can only hope to make a quick recovery and get back on track with our lives in time for the ski season." He says as he sips a cocktail in his private helicopter on his way back to New Orleans.

Nation Mourns Dead, Gas Prices. -Washington Post
Associated Press- While the nation was still in mourning over the tragic loss of life during Katrina they were hit with yet another tragedy as well. Gas prices sky rocketed to above three dollars a gallon and in some places close to five. "I can't believe how horrible this is. All of those people died and paid the ultimate price and now here we are paying the ultimate price for gas. It may costs more to fuel up my Hummer then my vacation to Europe." Says Cindy Fox in Beverly Hills.
Many people do not know what to think. "It has really filled me with confusion, first I think the President invades Iraq for oil. Now we have a shortage and I'm mad at him for not doing enough to keep the oil flowing. As a blue state Liberal, I am very out of touch with my inner self." Adds Don Cervok in the Chesapeake Bay Area.
Down in the south they are feeling the pinch as well. "God obviously allowed this to happen for a reason. I think maybe it was his way of saying it's okay for me to skim on my tithe so I can afford my weekly Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks." Says Robert Bland of Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, TX. "I will be praying for everyone involved though and hopefully like Job, God will reward us for our suffering in the end." We can only hope He does.



Well those are some of my thoughts on the stupid hypocritical world of America, Katrina and fuel. Now for one more death in New Prussia. I really cannot believe all the great TV Star deaths taking place as of late, yet here is another one.



I even mentioned Get Smart in my last blog on Bob Denver and now Don Adams has passed away as well. This was another show of my youth. It combined my love of stupid comedy with my love of espionage and world domination. Who could forget that comical voice? The shoe phone? The bumbling run in's with the Chief, especially in the cone of silence? And of course who could forget the smoldering beautiful Agent 99, who somehow persevered through it all? Would you believe, nobody? I was surprised (although I should have been) to learn Mel Brooks produced the show. Regardless, Don Adams number, 86, was apparently up. Here to you 86, sorry about that Chief.

Anybody catch the two Get Smart phrases? It will be a very, very bad day in New Prussia if Adam West ever dies. BTW- They are making a Get Smart movie with Steve Carrell as Maxwell Smart, it could be funny or it could be chaos. We will see.
Well that is about it for now. I'll catch you later.

Katrina, Katrina, Katrina!

It is 12:30 and I am listening to Whiskeytown right now. Well as per usual it has been a little while since my last blog but I think this is good because it keeps you on your toes. It seems we have had a major natural disaster occur lately and I have yet to comment on it. That's about to change. First though, are some quick hits.

Scottie: Well, in regards to your post on my last blog about Scottie from Star Trek, I reiterate that for what ever reason, Star Trek was not a huge influence on my formative years. I respect it's place in the Nerd Hall of Fame and I love the characters but I was not really into it as a kid. I think it was my parents protection realizing the serious social and romantic consequences that Star Trek could have upon people later in life, that kept me from it. That and the cheap special effects and lack of action. I am not sure my parents protection on my social and romantic life was sufficient though.

Spam on the Run: It appears the mysterious spammer has found my blog as well. I am now forced to, against my will, initiate the anti-spam verification. Sorry. Keep posting though because it does spur me on. ALSO, it has caused me to think of a great term for blogging Spam. I now call it BLAM. Blog+Spam, get it? There will be no blamming here please.

Disclaimer: If you read through all the next sections then you are truly a friend of New Prussia. It is a hunk of reading but I did add some humor at the end.


The Bad in New Orleans: Well first for the most serious stuff. As some of you may know, I led a mission trip to New Orleans last spring break. We worked with a homeless shelter, an HIV hospice and helped clean up a church. I am sure it is all ruined. I was greatly touched by the people to and the inner city we ministered in. Most were poor minorities or homeless, just the type that did not make it out. I have to wonder if any of them are still alive. I have to wonder if the church, which had recently been renovated, still exists. One of the girls on the trip and I had the privilege and honor of leading a semi-homeless guy named Cedric to Christ. He was down on his luck but trying to get back on his feet. That was on spring break and I wonder if it was the last call for him. Is he okay or will I only see him in eternity now? It is one thing to see the stuff on TV, to know it is happening. It is a strangely sad and surreal experience to see it happen, knowing it effected people you were trying to help just a few months ago.
Secondly, I have to wonder to myself, isn't this really just the beginning? Was not all of these horribly things and much, much more predicted in the Bible as time grows short in the world? 9-11, a Tsunami, five or six hurricanes in a row last year, now this one. A new famine in Africa and more flooding in China and other places as well. There are seismic tremblings and minor eruptions of St. Helens in Washington as well. "Wars and rumors of wars," so to speak. I do not mean to say I think the end is here or the rapture will happen within the next year or anything like that. I just mean it is only going to get worse. Think of the reputation New Orleans has. Not just the homosexuality and party mentality but also think of all the crime, the injustice, the crooked officials and cops, the mafia as well as all the crazy Voodoo and witchcraft practiced there. Does this not seem like judgment? I know it is not en vogue for Christians to say this and I know that this is not necessarily all judgment and God can do good things through this, but I can't help but think of the similarities here. I am staying well away from California for some time. I also think all this political grandstanding ticks me off and that leads me to the next point.

The Not as Bad: Now that I have paid some dues let me say a few things. I think all of this political stuff is a load of pig crap. It is definitly not what needs to happen right now. That being said, I will jump right in.

Federal Distress: We all know the government looked slow in this issue. First let me criticize the President. I support Bush for the most part, but I do think he made a few mistakes in the relief effort. I know he was meeting with advisors at his ranch and I know he was saddened by what was going on, BUT I think it was really stupid of him to stay at his ranch as long as he did, and I think it looked horrible. I can't see why he didn't jump on Air Force One and get back to Washington ASAP. He made a big mistake by not publicly taking more initiative sooner. Also as the head of the government the buck does stop with him, so technically he is to blame in a weird unfair kind of way and he did appoint the FEMA director. Yes, the President is not perfect and made a few mistakes but that was not what costs all those lives.

From what I gather, there were a few major errors made here. 1. FEMA and company thought their response systems were sufficient and they weren't. It was only when they find out they aren't that it is to late. Like if you are dehydrated, by the time you feel thirsty it is to late. As far as I can tell, the bulk of the blame should go to the Gov. and Mayor of Louisana. There are laws that prohibit the President from ordering troops into a city for relief. This is done to keep Presidents from becoming dictators and to protect freedom. What it takes is for the Gov. of the state to officially ask for help as well as sign some paper work. The storm hit Sunday night-Monday morning, the levee broke Tuesday, the paper work for help did not get signed until Wednesday. The GOVERNER did not ask for help until Wednesday? And people want to blame the president? Compare this to Mississippi, where albeit, the flooding was not as bad but certainly they were in need of help.. The Governor there called for help very early on and what happened? Help arrived in time and the whole mess in New Orleans did not happen there. I suppose people forget that side of it. Correct me if I am mistaken but I believe there are black people in Mississippi as well. Maybe Bush just hates the black people in New Orleans.
There are all sorts of other stories coming out as well. The Mayor and Gov. did not declare mandatory evacuations, nor did they use the city buses to transport people out. I have even read Bush called them the Friday before the storm hit and begged them to sign the necessary paper work but they would not do it for political reasons. What does the left want? Would they have prefered that the President break the law and send in troops without the proper legal authority? They already think he is a tyrant, is that what they want? Would they prefer it that way instead?
This taxing Levee issue is supposed to be Bush's fault as well. Did people want Bush to fly down there and stick his finger in the break to stop it? Apparently he did not approve funding for state projects that included levee repairs. That is balderdash. The truth is that the levee repairs have been on the books for decades now. At LEAST since the Reagan era if not longer. Why did they not get fixed or funded sooner? Let's look at some reason. For a long time LA refused to raise their legal drinking age to 21, because they would not do this, they got very little federal aid for projects and what aid they did get went mainly to highway maintenece, not levee's. So you can blame the crappy LA government for that. Back during the Clinton years they got funding for projects as well. Where did that money go? It has now come out that a lot of it went to, instead of levee's, building a Marina to support ships?...no...off shore refineries or drilling rigs? no.....hmm where could that money have gone...oh I know, Riverboat Casino's. Yes, it seems a lot of the money for levee's and other work was redirected to help support Riverboat gambling. Let's have a BIG round of applause for the notoriously corrupt state of LA. I could go on and on about this and write pages. I am blown away by the stupidity of people at times.

ABC-Disaster Company: Did anyone see the ABC special the other night on potential disasters in the U.S.A and how we are not ready for them. It made me sick to see them sensationalizing all of this. Their was an earthquake in San Francisco and a plague and nuclear explosion in New York. They simulated these things and showed how unprepared the Government was. Let me see....I think there is word for these kinds of things. Oh yeah, they are called disasters! Of course you can't be prepared for them. You can do the best you can and certainly we can do better, but no one will every be able to be fully prepared for these things. Not for millions of people.

That being said, here are some other probable disasters that the U.S.A. would not be prepared for and that would also, inevitably be George Bush's fault. I have also listed possible course's of action to prevent these things.

-All the bears in North America descend upon Seattle in post-hibernation hunger. This can be prevented by hunting all bears to extinction. Even the Chicago bears.

-Vikings raid the northeast coast, raping and pillaging everything along their paths. In a gross oversight FEMA has absolutely no Viking Invasion Contingency Plan. The best defense is a good offense, invade Scandinavia now OR summon the legendary return of King Arthur and his round table to unify the states and ward off the evil aggressors.

-Disco makes a huge comeback. This might be the scariest disaster of all. It made a mild comeback a few years ago but was avoided for the most part. Next time we may not be so lucky. If it does start to happen the best thing to do is play plenty of Led Zepplin and Rolling Stones as loud and as long as possible. (Note: if New Kids on the Block comeback then it is all over.)

-Atlas gets tired of holding up the earth and throws it off his shoulders. The best plan here it to keep Atlas very happy and content and feed him lots of Campbell's Chunky Beef Soup. (I could not think of anything better then this. Sorry)

-George Bush meets with wizards and summons a giant meteor to hit the earth and split it open. The best action here is, as long as we time the split right, to let it hit, separating the Eastern Hemisphere from us forever. I mean, isn't the Eastern Hemisphere really more trouble then it is worth? Actually the best thing to do is to let the meteor hit the EU.

-Giant squids crawl out from the ocean and devour all in their path. Answer-Operation Calamari, involving government funded openings of thousands of Sushi bars throughout the world.

Well, this is at the top of the list of likely events. There are many other such as alien invasions, vampire prince appearances, and Magneto's return to earth, but the list is just to long. The important thing to remember is that whatever happens, Don't Panic. Cheers.


P.S. Maybe for my next blog, I will have an interview with a real live disaster relief expert and FEMA analyst, my hero Andrew McMahan. He knows everything about disaster planning. After all, he went to Africa and he can tell you, the battle is real!

More Deaths In New Prussia.

Ok, it is Thursday at 3:30 and I have Iron and Wine stuck in my head.

Well it would appear that yet another Friend of New Prussia has passed into the great beyond. This means that either A) I am getting really old or B.) I watched nothing but reruns of old, often bad TV shows when I was a kid. I can say that this one is probably the most devastating of all. Even more so then the venerable Doc Baker. This person was truly a profound influence on my younger, more impressionable years, and I'm sure that explains something. His name was Bob Denver but you may know him more as this man.






That's right, GIIILLIIIGGANNN! Has passed into the great island shipwreck in the sky. I suppose he is reunited with the Skipper, who died several years ago. Now their silly antics can entertain in the afterlife as they drive around in little bamboo cars and the Skipper can hit his "Little buddy" with his hat as he messes up for eternity.
I used to watch Gilligan religiously during the summer. Every morning the reruns would be on and me and my brother would be glued to the TV. It was usually followed or preceded by Batman and followed by Get Smart, Hogan's Heroes or Gomer Pyle. I loved them all. I especially loved Ginger whom I think I had a perennial crush on, highlighted by the occasional fling with Mary Ann. Who couldn't help but love the misshapen crew of seven castaways? The Professors genius, the eccentric Howells, the Skipper who put up with so much, and best of all Gilligan, with his fishing hat and red Rugby shirt. Don't forget the splendid theme song that everybody loves as well. I do not remember the band who performed it but I do know it was their only hit. Imagine going on tour as a band and the audience calling out for the theme song to Gilligan's Island. Now you know how the band that wrote the them to Friends feel. It was such an influence that in school we even sang Amazing Grace to the tune of Gilligan's Island...try it for yourself. You will see it works and you'll probably enjoy it as well. (On a slightly different note, try singing Lord I Lift Your Name on High, to the tune of The Joker, by the Steve Miller Band. It works as well.)
This was the show that my mom would use on family vacations to tell us how much travel time we had left. We would ask, "How much longer until we are there?" she would then reply, "three Gilligan's Islands" to help us youngsters grasp time a little better. So heres to you Little Buddy, New Prussia salutes you.
BTW- For a trivia question, does anyone know the name of the Skipper's character? Not his real name but the character...he had another name besides Skipper.


A Weird Word - On another note, I have recently realized how the word weird lives up to its own meaning. Think of this, back in grammar school, what is the rule they always teach you? I before E, except after C. So look at the spelling of weird. I fail to see a C in there but I do see an E before I. I suppose it is only appropriate given the meaning of the word.

Katrina- I should have some good Katrina talk coming soon.

The Old Ladies Network- I have decided, at least during the day, that the Hallmark Channel is the old ladies channel. I was watching a rerun of Little House on the Prairie with a roommate on Hallmark the other day and saw adds for nothing but old lady stuff. There was the usual Depends commercials, but also some strange bladder control underwear for women. Not only that but I learned about multiple ways to keep my skin soft and fresh and how to prevent wrinkles. I also learned which Yogurts were the best for my diet. I suppose that is what I get for watching Little House reruns. It wasn't even a Doc Baker episode.

Well I better go, I will leave you with the most expensive picture of me ever taken. It cots roughly 25,000 or so. It is of me posing at graduation as I try and figure out what to do next. Later.

Graduation Day.

Well, last week I graduated so I took a week off from blogging. Also for the first time since I started this blog I don' t think I have a song in my head. Anyways, getting through college is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. The next greatest thing I will ever do is pay off my debt. Seriously though, with all the battles with depression and stuff along the way, I thought I would never get there, but God has been extremely faithful and good to me and I now write to you as an official graduate of the University of North Texas. To think I was only .3 decimals away from graduating with honors! Oh well, better luck next time.

I also noticed all of the honors students and graduate students got to wear all sorts of cool ribbons and tassels and things around their necks. Some red, some green, some who knows what colour. I had a really funny thought that I should wear a red and yellow House Griffendorf scarf from Harry Potter when I walked across stage. I think it would have gone over really well.

One more thing that needs discussion. The guest speaker, some guy that set up the Arts and Sciences advising office, gave the opening speech. Then we had to sing Auld Lang, or whatever it is called, and he asked us to do the gayest thing ever. (By gay I don't mean homosexual. I mean gay as in, not cool or very un-guy like.) He asked that on the last verse of the song, we all cross arms and hold hands with the people next to us and sway back and forth. Most of the people did, albeit looking around sheepishly while they did so. I, however, was on the history aisle, which was all guys. We merely looked at each other with a look that said "there is not a snowball's chance in hell I am doing this." So we all just stood there thinking how ridiculous it all looked. Despite our aloof demeanor it was still better then performing the bizarre ritual. It was like something out of the cheesy Dawson McAllister conferences I went to in Junior High.

We had a party later that night and everyone made predictions of where I would be in the future. Only one had me married. My brother and two of my really good friends growing up came to town. We had a blast hanging out, just like old times, and took some really weird pictures as well. My friend Nicole got to witness a very different side of me. Amber, in regards to your post, next time I graduate I will invite you to my party.

That being said, I have a history degree. What can you do with a history degree? Here are some of the most common things.

-Make history.
-Rewrite history to fit your own skewed view of the world.
-Make a paper airplane out of it.
-Be bitter about why you didn't choose a more lucrative degree.
-Hit on chicks with lines like "If Henry the 8th saw you, he would have never committed murder or been divorced" or "you're as beautiful and priceless as a Ming Dynasty vase," or even "Yeah, I took a class on the history of romance, you want me to show you what I learned?"
-Make a paper boat out of it.
-Argue over the exact location of the Mason-Dixon
-Annoy others on vacation with you as fill their heads with useless anecdotes about every location you visit.

Well, that's just a short list of the many things you can do with this versatile degree.


I better go. Just a quick update. Maybe I'll post some graduation pics later.

P.S. For those of you who don't know, I wasn't even close to graduating with honors. Instead of .3 away it was more like 3.0 away.

The Most Serious Entry Since......Well, My First One

I currently have no song stuck in my head since I am listening to Damien Rice and he fills my head instead. And now for some darkness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you have been following, you may know I have been trying to move to New York. That is now no longer the case. I repeat, New York is a no go. Nadda, zilch, not gonna happen, the big zero, negatory, nyet, and other negative words. Notwithstanding a miracle anyways. So don't ask if I'm still planning on going, and this really leaves me with nothing.

So much for dreaming big, taking risks, not settling for a mundane life and all that other crap. (I know this doesn't mean I will have a mundane life, I just mean for now.) I can wax some eloquent blasphemy on my thoughts about prayer and God and His will and all right now but I guess I won't. So where does this leave me? Stuck in piss-ant Denton.I feel as though, at this moment, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Sure, there exists vague, murky promises of potential relationships someday, moving off someday, doing something someday. But that is all in the cloudy and obscure specter of someday. What now? I had nothing else planned.

I could move to Dallas. Whoopee. In fact, I am interviewing for a job soon. If I get this job it will be better to stay here in Denton. So Dallas is out of the question right now. I am in Denton...sweet Moses that's exciting.
I spent the last six months deliberately not meeting girls because I figured I would be moving off. Nice thought. I have also spent the last 5 years in Denton and we see how that has turned out.
I have no money from not working most of the summer. I have no car because mine was destroyed. Yes I have family and friends here. God would provide friends wherever I go though.
So now the question is, did I bring this on myself. I tried to find a job all summer but it didn't happen. Did I not try hard enough? Was I to lazy? There must have been somewhere I could have worked. Was it Proverbs, " A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands, and poverty will come on you like a bandit, scarcity like a armed man?" Or was this God's way of keeping me from going up to NY and making some mistake? I tend to always lean to the argument that blames me. Of course, I would blame myself for Pearl Harbor if I could.

So now where do I go and what do I do? I am graduating on Saturday, with a degree in history when I think I want to do something in media. (Actually I think all I want to do is write.) And like I said, I feel I have nothing to look forward to. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time in life but instead it is just depressing and anxiety producing and in the end it just isn't worth it. Screw it all.

I know there are verses in the Bible about God's plans and all. Spare me the references. And while your at it, spare me the sentimental encouraging BS as well. To sum it all up, here are some pictures by Goya, one of my favourite artists, to describe how I feel.






Well, you get the picture. At least football season is almost here.

Speaking of Dreams: I had a really strange dream the other night. I dreamed I was a country music star that really wanted to be a rock star. I was in a concert wearing tight jeans, a hat and a Garth shirt. As the concert progressed I kept trying to play more and more rock on my guitar instead of country. I tried to sneak it in, so to speak. The audience wouldn't go for it though. It was weird.

Anyway, I know things aren't as bad as I think they are. I just wanted to get it out. See you at the party Saturday, I'm sure I'll be feeling better by then.

These Old Bones...

Hello everyone. First of all, I have Everlong, by the Foo Fighters stuck in my head for some wierd reason. Secondly, I went horseback riding last weekend with a friend of mine. Here is a pick of me pretending to be an urban cowboy. The horse was named T.J. and I decided that wasn't Czar-ish enough so I said T.J. stood for Tyberious Jupiter.
I also had the urge to pretend I was a Rohirium in the Lord of the Rings, charging down Orcs at the Battle of Pelanor Fields, brandishing my sword and performing deeds that would be sung of for ages. Then I also pictured myself charging down French soldiers instead and laughed as they fled in horror before me, which was just as amusing to me. At that point my horse really did start to gallup and I nearly wet myself as reality set in. It was fun none the less.

I wish to say that lately I have noticed a very strange thing happening to me. I have been getting old. How do I know this you may ask? Well, keep reading for I present to you...

Top Reasons You Know Your Getting Old.

1. It is Friday or Saturday night and you have absolutely nothing to do but stay home and play video games or read- and you don't really care anymore, you are perfectly fine with this.

2. You can no longer stay out past midnight without being exhausted the next day. In fact you begin to shun events that would keep you out past midnight and even make up lame excuses to your younger friends.

3. Your bowels have declared a Jihad on you. Enough said.

4. You meet a girl and think, "she is probably to young for me", and she turns out to be 22.

5. You throw a party and don't really care who shows up anymore. None of this, "who is going to be there?" or "what are we going to watch?" you just have fun with whomever shows up.

6. You are slowly but surely going bald. I hope this only applies to guys.

7. You no longer like any stations on the radio except Talk Radio, KLUV, or Sunny 97.

8. You get your but kicked by Junior highers playing Halo 2.

9. You find yourself needing exercise just to create energy.

10. You forget things a lot easier and can't think of good items to finish off your list you make on your blog.

These are all things I more or less have experienced to some degree. So I must face the music that I am getting old. In fact, the big 30 is just around the corner and I am near the home stretch. With all the bowel aches, head aches, allergies and whatever else I might have by the time I marry, I should just open a gift registry at the local pharmacy. I will probably be so old that instead of throwing rice on the way out you can just throw Viagra. You can also decorate my walker instead of my car.

Moving On: Two more notable deaths in the last couple of weeks.

1. Gen. Westmoreland passed away on July 18th, 2005. For those of you who care, he was the General in charge of the U.S. Military in Vietnam up through 1968, when he stepped down. The whole mess of Vietnam is generally not considered his fault. He now joins the 60,000 American soldiers who died in the fighting.

2. James Doohan, i.e. "Scotty" from Star Trek passed away on July 20th. Now, I have a few things to say about this. First of all I feel that he has had an indirect influence on my life. I was never a Star Trek fan growing up, except for the movies. I still remember my Dad taking me and brother, along with our friends across the street, to see Star Trek 2, the Wrath of Khan, when it came out. But being as big of a Sci-Fi lover as I am, I have to give Star Trek it place in the Sci-Fi Hall of Fame. Also many of my good friends were/are Trekies so I feel that he has been of some influence on me, even if indirectly. Besides, who couldn't admire the likes of James Kirk, Spock, Bones , and Scotty and the rest? Ironically enough Scotty was not Scottish. For his funeral his casket was launched into space from the Photon Torpedo bay of a spaceship. (Pop quiz...anyone know what movie that is from?)

Well that's about it for now. I declare this my nerdiest blog to date, I better rein it in. It's almost eleven so I better go to bed soon, getting old you know.

A Mighty Wind Doth Bloweth

Hurricane Dennis just hit the Florida panhandle a few weeks ago. Now Emily just got done in Mexico. It seems to me every headline I see about hurricanes uses the terms hammers, slams or devastates whatever unfortunate land mass it hits and quite frankly, I am tired of it. I think the fact that it is a hurricane pretty much implies the fact it is hammering or slamming into something. I believe it is time for the media to be more creative with their verb usage as well as be more culturally relevant. That being said I have come up with a list of words I think would be much better. Picture these in the news.

-Hurricane Denzel Pimp Slaps Miami.
-Puerto Rico Just Got Served By Hurricane Esmeralda.
-Hurricane Bubba Opens Up A Can of Whoop On Mobile Alabama.
-Hurricane Fidel Is Hatin' On Key Largo.
-Hurricane Heather Tears Jamaica A New One.
-Hurricane Ferguson Ridicules Atlantic Coast.
-Hurricane Basil Gives Charleston the Old What-For.

Well you get the idea. That's probably enough for now. I could throw in some more random words to such as keeps it real, marinates, deep fry's, screws over, goes to town, owns or apologizes.
That being said, hammered and slammed are perfectly acceptable adjectives if you're referring to the effects of the alcoholic kind of Hurricanes.

On a slightly different note I think they need to change the names of hurricanes. They start with letter A every year and alternate male and female names. That is fine. What isn't fine is that most names don't live up to the storms hype. I mean, does Emily, Allison, Charlie or Dennis really sound like an all powerful storm? I think not. This is why we need to change them to more appropriate names. I move all Hurricanes be given German or Norse names. Like this.
- Adolf, Bjorn, Carsten, Dirk, Eva, Frigga, Gretchen, Hallerna..etc.
See how much better those sound? Of course you would have jump ahead a few and add Ragnor, Sven and Thor. Hurricane Thor just sounds cool.

Alternately, and this is the more likely scenario, they could license out naming rights to celebrities or corporations, much like stadiums do.

- Hurricane Dale Earnhart Crashes Into Tallahasse.
- Hurricane Home Improvement Cause For Massive Repairs.
- Hurricane Bacardi Rum Parties in Cancun.
- Hurricane Prozac Reduced to Tropical Depression.
- Hurricane W.C.W. Smacks Down Myrtle Beach.

Well that is probably all I can really think of right now. Merry Christmas.

P.S. I might add a picture to this later on.

I issue an apology- and Czar's don't apologize often.

Ok...it is painfully obvious to me that I am behind on my blogs. Does this make me a bad blogger? Yes. Does this make me an evil and disgusting person? Probably. Anyway, I attribute this to three or so factors. 1. Sears- I have a part time job at Sears right now and every evening when I leave my internship I go in for training. This is normally the time I would blog. 2. Life-I am trying to get my resume and other official stuff together-more time I would normally blog. 3. Settlers of Catan Online- ok...I am addicted to this little game. Every evening I turn on my computer only to find one of my friends online offering to play against me. How can I resist? 4. Social Life- Ok..my social life is somewhat suspect but it has taken its toll. For instance, I was busy every night this weekend with stuff going on. I guess this all goes to say that I have been pretty busy lately and my blogs take time. Especially if I photoshop something etc. I will do my best to have one soon. I am not going to bother proofing this entry so get over any mistakes in it.

PS. I have also found that just keeping up with everyone else's blogs has taken a lot of time as well. I am now trying to read 7 or 8 of them.

A Friend of New Prussia Dies...

Ladies and Gentlemen.
I wish that the posting of this entry was under a more joyous occasion but alas it was not meant to be. Normally I would wait a week before posting a new entryso soon (please see my P Diddy entry below this one. It is worth checking out.) but a most unfortunate event has occurred that leaves my heart wounded. For you see, a good friend of New Prussia, a fighter in our cause, Dr. Hiram Baker, from Little House on the Prairie, has passed away on this 12th of July 2005. I find it ironic that only a couple of weeks ago I was reminiscing fondly of Little House and now I found myself reeling from the sorrow. To me Dr. Baker was always an inspiration, a sort of grandfather figure to look up to. With his kind, reassuring smile, and every day wisdom, you know that if he said, "You'll be ok" then you would be ok. If he said "this will only hurt a little" then you knew it would only hurt a little.
I mean who couldn't admire somebody who was so wise as to say "Wood warms a man twice. Once when you chop it, and again when you burn it."
I think the best part about Doc Baker was that he was always willing to take whatever payment was available for his services. I always remembered thinking how cool it would be to be able to trade eggs in for such services. I also remembered how I thought it was strange that the brown eggs were worth more. I longed to go out west somewhere where I could partake in the barter and trade sytsem rather then be subject to capitalist enslavement. I recall being so disappointed and bitter when I found out it was no longer possible and only a hoax.
Well, so long doc, I'll be sure and catch you on the reruns. Doc Baker died at age 77, due to the malaria he caught from the swamps that the Lost Indian Tribe brought him to when they kidnapped him while he was out working in the fields after the volcanic eruption near Mr. Edwards house destroyed all the crops for the year.
Jefferson

P.S. Now if we can just get that little Jezebel Nellie Olson to bite it.

Czar and Away vol. 2

Greetings everyone.
There are at least two note worthy things that happened over last weekend. It seems that Robert Kraft, owner of the Kraft food conglomerate and owner of the New England Patriots gave his 2005 Super Bowl ring to Russian President Vladimir Putin. This has caused much international intrigue as many suspect that Putin took the ring thinking it was a gift when Kraft may have only been showing him the ring. However, in the interest of world peace, Kraft graciously admitted he was giving the ring to Putin out of admiration. We will never know if this is true or not but Kraft does have two other rings and he will probably end up with more. Fortunately this avoided a serious conflict as NFL forces everywhere were being mobilized for action in Russia. Special Teams, the elite forces of the NFL, were already rumored to be on the ground near Kiev and the Oakland Raiders were gearing up for an all out invasion. This would not be the first time odd things have been found in Putin's pockets. Here is a look at many of the other items found pilfered on his person.

-Several French and U.N. diplomats.
-Kraft's Macaroni and Cheese as well.
-P Diddy's Bling Bling. (see picture)
-A piece of low grade plutonium.
-The Maltese Falcon.
-Bribe from Russian mob.
-8 Track of Abba's Greatest Hits.
-Key to Russian National Cabbage Supply Vault.
-Michael Jackson's original nose.
-Charm bracelet with Hello Kitty Charms.
- Set of 20 sided Dungeon's and Dragon's dice.
-Plans for the next botched Chechynain rebel hostage release.
-Map to a Moscow Discotheque.

This week in History: The 4th of July is not only important as the birth of our nation but it also marks two very important other events as well.

-July 1-3, 1863. This was the three days of fighting at the Battle of Gettysburg. On the 4th Gen. Lee decided he could not fight any longer and began his retreat. It was the strongest army Lee would ever have and the last offensive the Confederacy would mount.

July 4th, 1863. Another crushing blow to the South. The city of Vicksburg surrendered on this day after being besieged for several months. It split the South in half and effectively gave the Union control of the Mississippi as well opening up new trade and supply routes on the river for the North. As you can see, July 4th, 1863 was not a good time for the South.


I went and saw Eisley with my brother last night. It was a good show and chicks with guitars can be pretty hot. It was funny, a band called Pilot Drift opened for them and turns out I had met the lead singer of the band before. He went to dinner with me and some friends sometime ago and I had forgotten about it. It was a friend of a friend kind of thing.

Well I am tired now and trying to get the photo posted took forever and I still haven't gotten in the right spot. Good Night.

Czar and Away

Czar and Away.


This might just be the new name for Memo's from the Czar. As my good friend Oakton Andy has suggested in his previous post. I will try it out and see. It is sort of a quick hits section as well.

First of all, I have 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins stuck in my head. As I have reflected upon this band over the weekend, I have remembered just what a great group they really were. I have also reflected upon how their namesake reminds of one of my favorite activities I was involved in one year around Halloween. Enough said.

Cont'd from last post: Your Comments on my last entry have inspired me. I give you another reality TV show based on Kelly's comment. (I do not know how long this next part will be up so read it while you can. It may be removed if to offensive, I certainly don't mean for it to be.)

This show would be based on Midgets. I am not sure if it would be a reality show or a mock reality show. Anyways, we would build a house or even a small town for midgets to live in. The catch is, we would build to their size NOT a normal persons size. Then we would find a person with normal height and get them to live in the midget world for a week or two. I know this show would be a hit and while it sounds mean on the surface, it really does sound like something the networks would do. Have you seen the Surreal World? Of course, the name of the show would have to be Smallville.

PS: For a theme song you could take the theme from Gidget and substitute the word midget.


Dog the Bounty Hunter: I stumbled upon this reality show the other day. It is about this Bail Bondsman in Hawaii that hunts down people who skip bail and arrests them. This guy is over the top. I want to see a show about a real bounty hunter though. Like Bobba Fett, who has armor and a flame thrower and fly's around blasting people.


From the Prussian "Free" Artisan League: This a brief review of the movie Bewitched, which I saw for free the other night. Simply put, I am glad it was free. I had reasonable hope going into this movie. After all, it had Will Ferrall, Nicole Kidman, Michael Caine, Jason Schwartzman and Steve Caral in it. Nicole Kidman looked about as cute as you could imagine but Will Ferrall looked as lost as you could imagine. His humor seemed old hat and he seemed to struggle with what to do really do to be funny. It had it's moments of course but save it for a rental from Payless at best. Also, as interesting anecedote, my parents never allowed me to watch the TV show as a kid, but I somehow still ended up playing Dungeons & Dragons. They should have just let me watch it anyway.

H.P. Lovecraft: Also I have started reading H.P. Lovecraft. An early 20th century Sci-fi/Horrer writer, most noted for the cult classic, The Call of Cthulu, as well as creating the Necronomican. (See Army of Darkness and other weird tales.) I hope to post some quotes by him because he is a brilliant writer and has a very interesting way of looking at things. Ways I can relate to. He also loved cats.

New York: Most of you know by now that I am considering moving to New York City. So I am taking a public opinion poll. What do you think? Should I stay or should I go? I am open to other suggestions of where to go as well so long as you don't tell me to to the place of fire and brimstone.

Tomorrow I'm sending of my first manuscript to a contest for publication. I'm really excited about it and it gives me a really good feeling to do so. It is the sort of feeling that says your doing something you were meant to do. Will I win or lose? I have no clue, but I am none the less excited. Pray for that if you think about it. Ironically enough I am sending it to the L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future Contest. Maybe Tom Cruise will read it and star in a movie about it. Better yet he will read it, introduce me to Katie Holmes and she will introduce me James Van Der Beek and I can get his autograph. I would then hang it in my room.

Well, I suppose that is it for now. I really enjoy everyone's responses and whatnot. The posts are almost a blog in and of themselves. I love you all like you were my very own illegitimate children. Good night.

Memo's from the Czar vol 1

This is a new section I created. I have named it this for now but it is subject to change. Any ideas for a better name? It really consists of random thoughts and ideas that come to me every now and then. Some are funny, some are in response to your comments on my posts (Yes you inspire me), some are just quick hits on the world around me. So without further delay I give you Memo's from the Czar vol 1.

First, I have Don't Stop Believing, by Journey stuck in my head.

Little House: Faith mentioned "Little House on the Prairie" in response to my last blog. I used to love that show as a kid. However, we always called it "Little Tragedy on the Prairie" because every episode had something new and horrible happen. If it wasn't a tornado it was a plague, followed by fire and then a flood. Then the locust swarm would make an appearance and destroy the crops and if not them then a swarm of fire fly's would, but not before bandits came and threatened the town. Mary went blind at least three different times I think. Later on aliens abducted cattle and a rift into another dimension opened and the tortured souls of the warp spewed forth, but it turns out they came forth to help fight the zombie hordes, so they were good. At one point the Olsen's make an all powerful ring to rule the town but with the help of the wood Elves Laura destroyed it before it was to late. There was even an episode where Albert forms a Goth band and "done went crazy." Fortunately the Ninja's from the Burning Tiger Fist who were hiding in the Chinese railroad labor camps came and saved him from the evils of Rock 'N Roll. I really don't see how anyone survived back then. I was also always annoyed at the intro scene when they run down the hill and the one little girl always falls down. Learn to walk already! I also had a secret crush on one of the characters but I won' say which. It was a female however, so no Willy Olson.

Danica Patrick: The world of racing now has a female driver, Danica Patrick. What I want to know is if her insurance is lower then the male drivers insurance. Also, (warning: this is a female driver joke) I think racecar driving is a great career for women because they can only turn one way so they can't get lost.

Reality TV: Ok reality TV is obviously not reality. When was the last time you were stranded on a desert island left with only a film crew? And I sure as heck can't remember anytime I had a panel of babes trying to get me to pick them to go out on a date. They have shows out I didn't even know existed. Such as Dancing with the Stars and The Cut. That being said I have a few shows of my own. Here they are:

Beer Factor: Follows a fraternity around and sees how many beers it takes for them to perform certain acts. Like jumping off roofs and trying to hip hop dance.

Real Desperate Housewives:This show examines the crazy antics of middle aged housewives with nothing to do but watch Oprah. Watch them watch day time TV and follow them as they go yard art hunting. Be thrilled as you see them on the weekends go to craft shows and buy little angels and objects shaped like Texas to hang on their walls.

The OC-D: This could be the real fear factor, as eight contestants with one of my favorite disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, are forced to live in a run down, dirty, dingy house with no automatic dishwashers and insects in the walls. See them as they try and open bathroom doors without the use of hands or watch them squirm as they have to wash dishes the old fashioned way. The last one to make it without going crazy wins.

"Just Friends": This show follows the love lives of five college students who are pursuing girls way out of their leagues. Laugh as their tender and frail hearts are ripped out and stopped on in a "your a nice guy but..." kind of way. Partially autobiographical. (This show could also be about any guy in college life interested in a girl.)

American Idle: This modern documentary follows the lives of middle aged, overweight couch potatoes. Watch these fine American men as they watch TV, eat chips, play video games, ignore their families (the two who are married) and otherwise waste the lives they are given while they sit around and wait for the heart attack they are inducing to occur.

The Apprentice: This show follows the dramatic story of a young Dark Jedi trying desperately to live up to his indomitable Sith Masters demands. See him snivel as he is berated.

"D" is for Didn't Win: This show follows the life of John Kerry after the 2004 presidential elections. As well the recent discovery of his below average grades in college.

That's all for now. I know this is the tip of the iceberg and I expect Korey to go to town with this.
Later gang.

Crazy about Katie

Well, the weekend has passed and I am a day late on a new blog. Please forgive me if you can ever find it in your heart to do so. That being said, here is what's on my mind.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. How can they not be on my mind? They are everywhere after all, and while I certainly don't mind seeing images of Katie Holmes, I think I'm already getting tired of the hoopla. In all honesty, how much of this goo-goo gaga twiterpation are we going to have to endure? You do know how they got together right? Tom Cruise just had his agent call her agent and set up an appointment and now they are in love. Man, that's a good hook up, and I thought Equally Yoked or Eharmony was the way to go.
I simply don't understand the fascination and the truth be known, down right worship, that society has for celebrities. It's a very real American Idol. People get so caught up in what actor is dating what actress and how romantic it is. I figure they must do it to avoid the reality of their own failing lives and meaningless existence's, an escape so to speak. It's ok if your mom's a drunk and your dad beats her and they are splitting up and you will have hurts that will probably never heal. It's all good as long as Tom Cruise is with Katie Holmes, or Brad Pitt is happy again now that Jennifer Anniston is gone.
For me personally, one of the most trying times in my life was when Ben Afleck and J-Lo were together. I had to have Valium prescribed just to keep me going. I was so worried about their constant break ups, and I blame them for my three D's in Algebra. How could I concentrate? Thank goodness Ben is now with that nice Garner girl. All is right in the world and I can rest easy, at least for now, which is what I'm going to do. Good night.


PS> Next blog I will probably take on either A.) Scientology or B.) Michael Jackson

From the Front

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have discovered this new cutting edge bit of pop culture called a block, so I thought I would be one of the first to have one. I can only hope they take off. Seriously though, this may very well qualify as the trendiest thing I have ever done since buying those pair of Z Cavaricci's back in junior high.
It must be said that, in all honesty, it is currently unknown to me what form this blog will take. Will I wax eloquently or merely spew forth useless words? Will it be intellectual or just a bunch of poppycock. ( I do love to rant) I do not know, but I breathlessly wait to find out. However, I can guarantee you that it will most likely be very dark at times.
I call it Letters from the Front because in a sense, life is a war with theatres of action that extend from the mental, spiritual and emotional realms all the way into the heart of the physical realm as well. It is this war of sorts that inspires me to write in my feeble attempts to organize and sort life out, as well as just make fun of it.
So it is with much excitement that I give you this blog. I suspect that sooner rather then later I will find the confines of this blog to limiting and draw up some ideas for my own website but until then this will suffice. Well it is late and now time for me to go to bed so I wish you all a good night and I will write more later.

R. Jefferson Jordan