The O.C...D.

A Whole New Blog!

2009-09-22T16:05:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman, I am pleased to announce the move of New Prussia to a new web site! My blog is now going to be located at...

www.jeffjordan.wordpress.com

I know, not very original, but it gets my name out there...

See you there.

On the Move

2009-08-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Greetings wherever you may be! Today is an important day in New Prussian history because today is the day I actually listen to your advise. I am starting a new blog, rather moving this blog to wordpress and I need an address for my blog. Now bear in mind I am trying to promote myself and get my name established as a somewhat creative force to be delt with. So I am talking a poll. What address should I use for my new blog. I tried theocd.wordpress.com but of course it is taken.

So here are the options:

www.newprussia.wordpress.com

www.jeffjordan.wordpress.com

www.jeffersonjordan.wordpress.com

Okay not a lot of variety in these but let me know. Or if you have any new ideas let me hear them. Even yours Andrew.

Babble On!

2009-06-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

The time is 9:30 and I am listening to some guy with a guitar sing covers from the patio of the coffee shop I am at. Pretty standard really. So, no luck on the Neko Case Case yet. Not sure what I will do with that extra ticket, but we will see, yes we will.

Big day in New Prussia, last week, over Dickey’s BBQ and later a box of Krispy Kreme’s me and four other guys decided to make a movie review/critique site. We had been bashing how bad Terminator: Salvation was and decided something needed to be done about it. So far we have been averaging 60 hits a day or so which is pretty good. Anyway, as loyal members of New Prussia it is your duty to support this site. It is...

www.babbleon5.wordpress.com

We call it Babble On 5 because there are 5 of us and we like to babble. It is also a play on words from the sci-fi show Babylon Five. I am considering moving my blog to wordpress though.

Today we have a shocking new international headline.

Kim Jong Il to Name Michelle Obama as Successor:

AP- In a shocking turn of events the aging North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has named First Lady Michelle Obama as his apparent successor. Intelligence agencies had originally thought his third son Kim Jong Unwas a shoe in for the North Korean Premiership. In his best Engrish, Kim Jong Il addressed his nation on national radio yesterday.

“She very pretty women with many intelligence and grace. From moment Barak was elected, I know she is the one who lead us into future with that nice smile and pretty demeanor. My son, he is no good. He is the back end of donkey yes?”

Currently the First Lady is unreachable for comment as the White House scrambles to figure out how this affects their new national policy.

Anyway, with the way the entire world is fawning over the Obama’s is this really so far out of reach? I mean while I understand the extreme historical importance of his election, it is getting on my nerves the way everyone just adores him. People are acting like this is American Idol or Dancing with the Stars and the highest office of power and honor in the world. Oh well, I just had to get that out.

Catch you next time.

Less is more....

2009-05-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

The time is 7:54 and I am listening to Neko Case again. Just like donuts, Super Mario Brothers, or cocaine, I just can’t get enough of her. Yeah, it’s sort of an obsession, but I am going to see her in a few weeks so I need to prepare appropriately. BTW- I have vowed to find a girl to go to this concert with. Now I’ve never been one to hold my vows to closely, and this one has not-gonna-happen written all over it. Still I am going try. I have a fallback plan too: Craigslist. Yeah you heard it, if I don’t find a date with a weak left to go, I am going on Craigslist and advertising a free ticket to any cute single chick who wants to go, cougars need not apply. So Dateline, as I am calling it, has officially begun.

I realize I fell off the blog wagon and haven’t fulfilled my obligation to write one a week. Sorry about that, I went through a little slump of boredom and despair for a short spell but fear not, much like a bad rash caused by some perverse act, I have returned.

No list today but I hope to have some maybe next time. I do have a headline though, which I haven’t done in a while.

Congress Approves Capital Losses Tax- With the government short on money due to the failing economy and no revenue from Capital Gains this year Congress has approved the Capital Losses Tax. The first tax of its kind the move taxes the amount of money investors have lost on the stock market this last year.

Addressing the senate floor, speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi stated, “This move will take millions from people who need the money so we can give it to those we deem more in need through the President’s bailout plan.”

The measure was unanimously voted in and has opened the door to more proposed legislation. In fact many on Capital Hill have begun promoting their own measures.

Senator Evan Bayh of Indiana has even gone so far as to propose a controversial Defeat Tax. Similar to the Victory Tax in World War 2 this tax would herald our continued losses in Afghanistan. Other suggestions have included a foreclosure tax, bankruptcy tax and unemployment fees.

Well gang, that is about it for now. I will catch next week, probably.

The Jefferson Code

2009-04-20T13:46:00.001-07:00

The time is 9:07 PST and I am listening to The Shins, who have quickly become one of my favorite bands. Today’s blog has been inspired by an event I was involved in yesterday. You see I went to my local 24 Hour Fitness, which surprisingly enough is not open 24 hours, (Almost as surprising as me working out.) and I walked up to the check in counter and there is a really cute girl behind it reading a book. I flash my ID and best smile at her, and I look down and happen to notice the book she is reading is titled, The Bible Code 2. Now I have heard of the Bible Code stuff before. About how there are secrets numerical codes hidden in the text of the Bible that make all sorts of prophecies including the prediction of 9/11 and of the current economic crisis, among other things. I found the fact they found a part 2 hilarious. Like maybe after they discovered this great code they realized they had left some out? Or maybe they found a whole new series of text and revelations to apply it to? I thought about making fun of it but like I said, the girl was really cute so I didn’t. I was however, tempted to ask her if it predicted that her and I would be together but I chickened out at the last minute. Yet it did inspire me to write this blog. I did a little research and it turns out there are many books with codes in them pertaining to a whole slew of topics. Here are some of them.

The Audacity of Hope Code - In Barak Obama’s book he secretly spells out exactly how he will win the presidency without actually telling us anything specific at all.

The Cosmopolitan Code- This magazines predicts which celebrities this year will get knocked up, married, divorced as well as how many kids Angelina Jolie will adopt and how many Eskimo Pie bars Kirstie Ally will eat.

The KFC Code- Slightly different in that it is not an actually book but rather a printed menu from KFC that actually reveals the Colonels secret recipe! Get out!

The Five People You Meet In Heaven Code- In an ironic twist this code actually reveals the eleven people you meet in hell. (Spoiler Alert: Princess Di’ is one of them.)

The Michelangelo Code: Almost as controversial as The DaVenci code, it tells of the secret lost linage of Merle Haggard.

The Lord of the Rings Code- A mysterious code that tells the true secret of the one ring, promising marriage to any nerd who deciphers the code.

The Horse Whisperer Code – Whispering was only the beginning. This code picks up where the whispers end and tells of the perverted, blasphemous acts it led too.

Mein Kompf – The code from Hitler’s infamous book actually reveals the winning numbers for the Iowa Mega Millions lotto for the week of June 11th, 2012.

Well anyways, this is your blog for the week so I hope you enjoy. Search my blog. If you find a code in it please let me know. I need all the help I can get. Later.

CA VS NY

2009-04-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

The time is 2:30 and I am listening to Wilco. So far my attempts to blog weekly have been more or less successful. For those of you who don't know, there has been a raging debate going on between me and some friends as to which state is better. CA or NY? To help you make an informed decision I have put together a list of Pro's and Con's for each. Please help yourself.

Also this might be hard to read but do to the limited formatting of blogspot, I could not insert a chart. So on the left of the brackets is the CA part and on the right is the NY part. It's the best I can do so deal with it.

Pros and Cons of Cali vs N.Y.

PROS
CA \ NY
Don't need a Coat \ Don't need a car

If your homeless you \ If your homeless you
won't freeze to death \ can have health care

Jeff and Asian girls live there \ Andrew and Jenny live there

You can go to Disneyland, \ You can go to real places
Knotts Berry farm, or other\ of actual historic importance.
man made tourist traps. \

Conan O'Brian, Jimmy Kimmel \ David Letterman, SNL

Oprah is not here \ Oprah is not here either

San Fran, Las Vegas, San Diego, \ Washington D.C., Boston, Niagra,
Tijuana, Grand Canyon, \ all withindays drive.
all within days drive. \

Mountains Nearby \ Mountains nearby

Great beaches \ Central Park

Movie Stars and celebrities \ Movie stars and celebrities

Boardwalks \ Broadway

Fly to Hawaii Cheap \ Fly to Europe Cheap

Hot girls \ Hot girls

CONS
CA\ NY
Might Die in Earthquake \ Might Die in Terrorist Attack

Fake boobs \ Annoying accents

To many illegal immigrants \ To many legal immigrants

Arnold Schwarznegger is the \ Hillary Clinton was the senator.
governer.

Might die from medical waste \ Might die from any number
while swimming in ocean. \ of things in the subway.

State income tax \ State income tax

State is billions in debt \ State is billions in debt

Sean Penn lives here \ Tim Robbins lives here

L.A. Lakers \ N.Y. Yankees

Stockton is nearby \ Philadelphia is Nearby

Rampant Chihuahua's on \ Rampant rats on the subways
the sidwalks

So there you have it, it is a pretty close call really. So place your vote, maybe we can settle this the only way we know how. With a civil war. Anyway, have a good one.

Embracing the Dark Side...

2009-03-31T16:59:00.000-07:00

The time is 4:18 and I am listening to Mason Jennings. I was introduced to his music by my friend Andrew during our trip to Gettysburg. Fun times and good memories, but that is a thing of the past. We are here to talk about the present. So let’s dive on in.

My plummet to the Dark Side has spiraled well out of control. Not THAT dark side, I finished that Journey years ago. I mean the other Dark Side, the Yuppie side. Ironically my path to yuppiedom parallels closely with my journey down metrosexual lane as well.

I mean it started off innocently enough. I graduated college and went to Watermark church in Dallas. A few feeble first steps. Then I moved to the O.C. That’s one small step for yuppies, one giant leap for yuppie-kind. I then got an 8-5 marketing job that entails meeting various people in banking, real estate and accounting. Yep, another big check mark on the yuppie list.
I also bought a bunch of professional clothes. Some were even designer names. Check. I am in the singles group at church, another check. But the biggest step by far, the real killer, happened a month or so ago.

You see, I moved to Irvine, CA. If the O.C. is the yuppie kingdom then Irvine is the capitol. I mean this place is like out of desperate housewives or something. Everything is squeaky clean. I hate it, and I love it.

I love it because I have to admit, as far as neighborhoods go it is really pretty and would probably be a great place to raise kids. All the neighborhoods are perfect and well maintained. All the houses are Spanish style and contemporary. In fact, Irvine’s motto is Live, Work and Play. It should read live, work, play and die. They don’t want you to ever have to leave the area. They do a nice job though. Irvine ranks in the top 10 in nearly every good category a city could imagine. Crime, education, jobs etc. There is no night life, everything closes at 10:00, nothing to disturb the pretty little neighborhoods. Even airplanes at John Wayne Airport can’t take off or land after 11:00 P.M. or before 7 A.M. It’s flawless

Everyone is trying hard to look the part. Like they are successful and have it together. Lexus’s, BMW’s and Infinities line the streets dotted by the occasional Porsche. Sometimes I want to drive through town, the window down and my middle finger out, sticking it to everyone I see.
Wives are hot, people are in shape and kids have more style then Vogue. But at the end of the day there is no real depth to it.

By moving to Irvine I have nearly completed my journey to the dark side. Fortunately I won’t be able to afford a luxury car for several years, if ever and I am still waiting on my trophy wife. Oh well, some things never change, which leads me to my next section.
De-motivational Posters.

Many of you have seen the web site
www.despair.com. They make all the un-motivational posters and pessimist gear. They have DIY section that lets you upload a picture and put your own caption on it. Me and some friends have been making them and sending them to each other. I will leave you with one I made the other day….

Later.

We Be Bloggin'

2009-03-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

The time is 8:30 P.M. and I have still been listening to Neko Case. Ladies and gentleman we have much to discuss tonight. First of all I have not been faithful to my once a week bloggings. It has been more like once a week and two days. I apologize. I thought I could set aside Sunday’s for blogging, maybe rename it Blogsday, if you will, however Sundays have become rather busy as of late so we will see. Nonetheless, I am blogging now, to make up for lost time.

First of all, my dear citizens, if you look to your right you might notice a new gadget on my blog. This is the follower application and let’s you keep track of my blog as well as letting me know roughly how many people are reading this thing. I am asking you, as your vaunted czar, to sign up as a follower. In fact, if you don’t do it because I ask you to, then do so because as your czar, I command you to. It is your duty as citizens of New Prussia so show your allegiance!

Ritual Clubbings:
Okay, I have a confession to make, I went to a club Saturday night. I will be honest in saying I have never been to a club before, because I figured it really wasn’t my scene. (Which it’s not) but I do have some thoughts on it.

First of all, the club was called Ritual, which is the perfect name for a place that somebody with O.C.D. is visiting.

Also, it was an Asian club, which adds to the mystique. Being named Ritual and being Asian I wasn’t sure what I would find. I half expected at some point, maybe around midnight, for an alter to rise out of the floor as everyone works themselves into some ritualistic Cthulu like frenzy. Then they pick a hot girl from the audience and sacrifice her. (Probably not a virgin though.) Maybe something like the blood bath in the opening scene of the first blade movie. That did not happen much to my chagrin. There were however, some rituals going on, but most of those seemed to involve mating of some sorts.

Secondly, I am not sure I have ever felt this white in my life, at least not since that time I watched the Country Music Awards. I mean I was the ONLY white guy there. I was told this actually works in my favor because I stood out more. Not only that but there is apparently a subset of Asian girls out there who only date white guys. I need to find this subset. However, it seems to me that Asian girls who only date white guys would go to white clubs and not Asian clubs right?

Anyway, my biggest problem with clubs is that it requires dancing. Now I can swing dance and I can two-step. I could even pull off some bastard version of the Lindy Hop, but I will be dead and in my grave if I can club dance. I know alcohol helps, but it didn’t seem to do the trick. I feel so freaking awkward trying to dance at a club. I looked around a bit and most of the guys there couldn’t, so I shouldn’t have felt so out of place, yet none-the-less I did. Near the end I got out there for a spell, but I never found any sort of groove what so ever.

Not only that but it was also expensive, seeing as how it was 20 bucks just to park, but it was worth the experience.

I will say I had a very incriminating photo taken of me that I am debating whether or not I should post it on this blog. Maybe if enough people become followers of my blog I will.

For now I think the kind of clubbing I will stick to involves baby seals.

Okay gang, that is your weekly update. I have to go play Rainbow 6 Las Vegas so I will see you later.

Ted's Excellent Conference

2009-03-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

The time is 7:45 and I have been listening to Neko Cases' latest album, Middle Cyclone. If it were possible to fall in love with a voice, much like the prince in The Little Mermaid, then it would be hers. Dreamy, indie undertones mixed with deep Americana twang. Yeah, I love her. Today, however, we talk about the TED conference and Disney World.

Speaking of The Little Mermaid, my parents are going to Orlando with our good family friends, William and Joanna McMahan. My parents won a trip for four and since neither my brother nor I could make it, they went with our long time family friends. I have to admit, it's funny picturing the two older couples running around Orlando, living it up. They will probably do such fun and exciting things like hitting the antique stores, historical reenactments, botanical gardens and if there is an old fort or something there they are sure to stop by it. Sadly enough that is all stuff I would probably dig, except the gardens. My dad will probably eat frog legs or something else weird as well. Oh well, I am sure they will have fun.

We went to Disney World when I was a kid, right after my dad graduated seminary. By all means it was one of our better family trips, but it was marred by one very tragic incident involving Mickey Mouse. As best as I can recall I was going into 4th grade and my brother 2nd grade, or maybe it was right afterwards, whichever, we were young and Disney bound.
My Mom tells me that my brother was totally pumped about meeting Mickey Mouse and I was like okay, cool, we can meet the mouse. So we kept an eye out for him wherever we went and knew it was only a matter of time before we saw him. Now of course my dad had his camera ready and was determined to capture the moment. He always has a camera out.

So sure enough, when we approached the castle, (that I was dismayed to learn was fake) there among the crowd we see it, the famous ears sticking out above everyone. My brothers face lights up, (so I imagine) and dad readies the camera. My brother beams, stick his chest out proudly like a big boy, and thrusts out his hand to shake Mickey's. They shake, like two nations reaching a peace agreement and CLICK! Goes the camera.

Mickey turns to me. I turn to the side and stick out my hand, ready for a shake. Mickey put both arms out and I am like, "Wait what? Am I supposed to shake his hand or hug him?" I couldn't tell what he wanted but it seemed more hug like, so I lean in and hug him. CLICK! Goes the camera.

Later on walking away my brother is like, "Dude you hugged him?" and I was like, "No he hugged me!" A hug? I hugged Mickey Mouse like some little 5-year-old girl when my younger brother just shook his hand?? I was so humiliated and to make matters worse, we have it on photo record that it really happened. To this day whenever we mention Disney World my brother has to dredge up this embarrassing memory and humiliate me.

At least I could have hugged some hottie like Snow White or Cinderella, heck, Minnie Mouse would have been better then freakin' Mickey Mouse. Of course, back in those days we didn't have babes like Ariel or Jasmine. I would have hugged them in a heartbeat and next time I go, I still might.

Let me introduce you to a little conference called TED: Technology, Entertainment and Design. Every year they have this event and it is a veritable whose who of industry leaders, thinkers and innovators. Musicians, Nobel Prize winners, activist, directors, artist, scientist, businessmen and a myriad of others speak for ten minutes on innovations and developments in their fields. Anywhere from Bill Clinton speaking on health care to J.J. Abrams on creativity, it is pretty interesting and you can watch the talks online. It is also currently making rounds as the latest sermon and leadership illustrations at Newsong.
Anyway, what does this have to do with my blog? I have gotten hold of some of the lineup the next conference as well the topics they are speaking on.. So here we go...

TED Conference line up for 2009!

Kirstie Ally - "Sausage Grease as a Renewable Energy Source and Milkshake Flavoring"

Bill Clinton - "Better Implants for a Better Tomorrow.".

Christian Bale - "Modern Breakthroughs in Anger Management."

Stephen Hawking - "Not Only Can I Talk Through this Thing, but I Can Blow Bubbles in My Chocolate Milk too."

Steve Jobs - "Who Would Have Thought IPhones Cause Cancer?"

Vladimir Putin - "Let's Make the Next 100 Years Bloodier Then the Last!"

Bono - "All the Reasons I am Cooler then You"

Barak Obama - "Instead of Hoping for Change, Let's Change our Hopes"

Chris Brown - "Rihanna Has a Weakness for Left Hooks"

George W. Bush - "How Not to Invade Arab Countries"

J.J. Abrams - "Let ME Remake Star Wars Episode's 1,2, and 3 the Right Way."

Miley Cyrus - "Um Why We Need to...Do Stuff to... Help Things in the World."

France - "Who Will Invade us Now?"

Well guys, I hope you enjoyed it, I am still trying to do one a week and this one was pushing it. Cut me some slack, I have been sick all week with a sinus infection. Later.

The Czar in Winter

2009-02-26T23:12:00.000-08:00

The time is 9:25 and I am listening to a song by the Jayhawks. Ok, I’m not actually listening to it, but it is stuck in my head, and for a person with O.C.D. that is as good as listening to it. We have a full plate today folks. We have ski talk, one great moment in O.C.D. history as well as interesting shoe devices. So let us begin without hesitation.

Blogski

So I went snow skiing last weekend. Yes, you can do that an hour or so away from where I live, yet another nice thing about living out here.

I said I went skiing and I was just about the only person on the mountain who was. Everyone else, and I mean darn near everyone else, was snowboarding. I felt totally out of place and very uncool. Then I took a good look at myself and remembered that I was uncool and so this was pretty much a normal feeling for me.

When I was younger and first started skiing, only potheads and punks snowboarded. Now everyone does and I thought this weird. I then realized that I am in California, where nearly everybody is a pothead or punk, so what else did I expect? (I know, I know, we have gay people here to, but they didn’t fit with my skiing routine.)

In addition to all of this I got sunburned too. This should come as no surprise to anyoen and let’s just say the snow wasn’t the whitest thing on the mountain. I hate that it is 40 degrees out in the middle of the winter and I can get still sunburned, doubly so due to the sun reflecting off the snow. Sunburn is the kind of thing that should be summer only. Beaches, camping, swimming etc. I should be immune to it in winter.

Speaking of colors, I noticed once again that the black man does NOT like skiing. Every time I go I notice this, it is all whites and Asians on the slopes. I saw maybe 4 black people and oddly enough all had dreadlocks. Hince I arrived at the conclusion that dreadlocks = extreme sports in the black community.

I asked a couple of my black friends back in Dallas about this once and they both said the same thing. That black people don’t ski because A. It is to freakin’ cold and B. the white people gots to be crazy to go flying down the side of a mountain with boards strapped to our feet.

They said black people think we are nuts to go sky diving, bungee jumping, snowboarding, rock climbing, mountain biking or any other extreme sport, unless they have dreadlocks of course.

I informed my black friends it’s not because we are crazy, although many of us are, but that since black people dominate football, basketball and baseball (golf now too-thanks Tiger) that us whities needed to create new sports that we could be good at.

I do have one thing from this trip…

Great Moments in O.C.D. History –

So one of the guys in my cabin brought some flip flops for him to wear in the shower. I did not. (Ok that makes two great moments because I had to stand in the nasty public use shower with no shoes on but I digress.) Anyway, they are some popular brand design whose name I can’t remember. He showed them to us and then said, “Look, check out the bottom.” He lifted raised the flip flop up and low and behold, on the bottom was a little nook cut out of the foam and in the little nook was a bottle opener!

I laughed because nothing says frat boy like the emergency bottle opener. Then I realized to my horror that people somewhere have actually used this invention. I told the guy, “dude, that’s disgusting. Think about all the nasty germs on the ground. Think about the floor inside the men’s bathrooms. Would you really use that to open something going in your mouth?” He laughed and agreed it was pretty gross. I can’t believe anybody would even think of such a thing. The guy then went on to tell me that they make one version that has a little flask in the heel you can drink out of. I would call that the Boot Liquor model. It is probably even worse then the bottle opener.

So that got me thinking.

What other great items could we build into shoes?

-A pop out knife blade, like the Joker had in Dark Knight. This would my preferred shoe device.

-A condom. This would be the other shoe the frat boys could wear. It would compliment the bottle opener well.

-A corkscrew, the next obvious choice as well.

-A cigarette lighter. It might melt the rubber of the shoe but it would be a great opener with girls. “Hey mister, got a light?” You lift up your shoe “Boy do I.”

-The new Apple I Crocs with a built in MP3 Player. Just plug your headphones into your heals and jog away. Dare I make a joke about soul music?

Really the list can go on and on. Mace, lipstick, garlic (for vampires or emergency food seasoning), screwdrivers, pens or pencils, Napalm, compass, deck of cards, GPS, flash drives, you name it and you can probably fit it into a shoe.

Of course, Maxwell Smart had the shoe phone and I once read a G.I. Joe comic book where Snake Eyes was captured and thrown in a jail cell. He kept a saw blade in one shoe that he used to cut through the bars and sneak out. Brilliant.

Once my brother even kept Skittles in his socks and shoes, an infamous story those that know him can ask him about.

So you see we could really be onto something here and I could be heading for the big time. Anyways gang that is about it for now. If you are offended by the term “black” people as used earlier then I suggest you reread this and substitute the words “African American” wherever you see the word, “black. Then you won’t be offended. Later.

2009-02-15T17:43:00.000-08:00

The time is 4:07 and I am listening to Ray LaMontagne. The Ray LaMontagne CD I have is currently jammed in my 5 disk changer and refuses to open or change disks. I do not blame Ray for this; I am merely stating the facts. So I am using the MP3s on my laptop. Well this is my first attempt at a weekly blog. I have a new product to sell you on as well as V-Day talk. So without delay I give you…

Adventures with VD. (That’s Valentines Day sickos)

So my church does this deal every year where the singles “volunteer” to baby-sit peoples kids at the church as a ministry to married couple. I was even asked if I wanted to do it and I was like, “are you kidding me? This is so lame.” It is like saying, hey you singles, you have nothing better to do today, why don’t you watch our kids for us so we can go make out or something. You know, I am all for helping people in need. Really helping people. I helped remodel a house for single moms recovering from alcohol and drug addiction, I helped with a Christmas party for foster kids, but this? Come on, give me something real to do.

People tell say I should go to this thing to meet chicks but I don’t want to. It strikes me as being the very wrong reason to go. I heard there were about 97 singles that signed up and to be honest, I hate meat markets, which is what this would become. I mean a veritable feeding frenzy. I hate feeling like I am in some competition with other guys just say hi to some girl,

Now lets be honest here, it sucks to be single on V-Day and there is no getting around it without the use of Vodka. Ministry is designed to help meet peoples’ needs and who is in greater need here? Married people, who have somebody to be with? Or singles, who don’t? The answer is obviously singles. So I think the situation should be reversed. I think the married people should do something for the single people on V.D. THAT would be a real ministry right there.

I know I sound bitter and dangit all I am.

So what did I do? I moved into our new house and had On the Border with my roommates. I don’t think we looked too gay though. Next time we will go to Laguna.

Hair Raising Ideas to Plug.

SO I have this idea and I am pretty sure I can get rich off of it. The idea came to me when I was admiring my hair in the mirror the other day and I was lamenting the fact that I am slowly losing it all. I have always loved my red hair and I suspect it is the secret to my powers. So you can understand my concern over losing it.

I thought that if I could save my hair and use it later then I would, and that is when it occurred to me. I can start a business for men going bald. They can grow their hair out long, we then cut it off and store it for them, then when they go bald they come back to us and we make their saved hair into a wig for them! I might be able to even make plugs for them. We could develop a scientific process to freeze the hair and preserve it, like cryogenics or something like that. I would call it Follicle Freezing or Hairgenics or something controversial like that. I know I would make millions though.

Well that about wraps up this round of short bloggings. Stay tuned to next time fair citizens and remember: Happy F-ing Valentines day!

A Greater Moment in O.C.D. History

2009-02-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

The time is 4:13 P.M and I am being force to listen to Puff the Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul, and Mary. I left my headphones in the car and I am sitting right over the speakers at this organic coffee shop. Probably what I get for going to an organic coffee shop anyways. So we have a first in New Prussia, an addendum to my last entry if you will. I don’t think I have had an update before as opposed to new entries all together, but considering the circumstances I would call it appropriate. So now I give you the first ever….

Great Moments In O.C.D. History Update:

So my last entry discussed the fact that I hate the bathroom key all the clients have to take with them into the bathroom at work. The receptionist keeps the vile, germ encrusted, thing on the desk and I avoid it at all costs. Anyway, they moved the marketing dept. and human resources into another office set across the hall next to the restrooms. We also have a large conference room and computer training room in our side of the building. My desk sits out in the open where every one has to pass through. I look kind of like a receptionist but I am not at all. So the partners were all meeting in the conference room and one of them walks out and says, “Jeff, do you have a restroom key?” I said “no.”. (I have my own personal one but no general one.)

“Well, we need to get you one for people over here.” She said.

“Like hell you do.” Was what I nearly responded. Instead I swallowed my anxiety and squeaked out a feeble “sure.”

The next day the H.R. woman walks up to my desk and places a key on it. Now whenever anyone in our area needs to go they grab this key and take it with them. Of course, they set it back down on my desk when done with it. They plague filled thing just sits there like the coiled Cobra I mentioned in the last entry, just watching and waiting for me to get to get within striking distance. The irony here is killing me. I mean this is the type of irony Shakespeare would be jealous of. This literally happened the very day after I posted about how I hate the public use key. I can’t believe the rotten, crappy luck I have. I don’t even want to be near it or breath the air around it, let alone touch it.

On the plus side I have thought of a way to have fun with. I will appoint myself the keeper of the key. In order for people to use it they must either A. Solve a riddle or a puzzle or B. Bring me some kind of gift or offering. This has all sorts of potential. I could wear a dark cloak, grow a long beard and use a quill pen on parchment paper to write the list of users down. If they don’t do one of those two things they can’t go to the bathroom. Simple enough and I win either way.

I have decided to try and blog more. Instead of doing one really long blog every month I am going to try and do more short quick hits. We shall see how it goes. Later gang.

Twice the germs! Twice the fun!

2009-01-28T08:29:00.000-08:00

The time is 5:45 and I am listening to reggae of some sorts. It is playing at the Starbucks I am at. Oh, the Starbucks I am at happens to be overlooking Laguna Beach. The weather is 60 degrees, the breeze is refreshing and the sun just finished setting. Whenever I wonder why I am paying out the butt to live in SoCal, I just need to come down here and remind myself. It’s weird, I have been here almost a year now but I have only been to the beach four or five times. I think I should make a pledge to go the beach once a month to write and/or brainstorm and check out chicks. Of course, somehow this time I ended up driving down to Laguna with a guy I am friends with. I kid you not, this is the gayest thing I have done in a long time. It was near sunset and all along the boardwalk were these cute little couples cuddling and watching the sun set into the ocean, and here I am leaning against the rail with this dude. (Technically we were watching the surfers.) Then we went to Starbucks afterwards and sat outside and talked for awhile. It was such a romantic evening. Since then at least half a dozen people have told me Laguna is a popular spot for homosexuals. I swear I am never going down there without a girl again.

And now it’s time for…

Great Moments in OCD History!

Fair citizens, I delight you today with not one, but two, great moments in OCD history. The first involves me personally, the second does not, but I digress, so let us begin. Due to the layout of the building I work in, the restrooms are outside of the building, sort of like a gas station. This means they stay locked for safety reasons. Their being locked has the unfortunate side effect of having to have a key to open it. Now everyone who works here has their own key, but clients, clients are different, they have to use the general purpose key kept at the receptionist desk, much like the school hall pass or something. So I found myself being the only one up front when a client comes in and asks for the key. Fear rises within me. I mean, different people are taking this thing to the bathroom with them. I HOPE they leave it on the sink counter, but probably they set it on the filthy toilet or on the toilet paper dispenser. For all I know, they could have dropped it in the toilet itself. This poses quiet a problem for me. I eye it suspiciously on the desk, sitting there like a coiled viper, waiting to bite me. I briefly consider giving him my key, but my key is clean and kept safely in my pocket. No one is allowed to use my key, lest they contaminate it and make it ceremonially unclean. I slowly reach for the key, anxiety building. Right when I touch it the snake bites. What did I just expose myself to? Hundred of diseases could be crawling all over it, from scurvy to Ebola. I was sure to die a painful death. I hand him the keys and tell him to go quickly go God’s sake, get out of here! I then calmly walk out of the room until I round the corner. Then I hauled ass to the kitchen, lathered my hands up, scrubbed them for thirty seconds, rinsed them and repeated the process one more time. Hopefully I will live, but don’t send flowers if I die, instead make a generous donation to the OCD of America Foundation.

The second story is a first for Great Moments because it doesn’t involve me directly but rather a story I read that troubled me greatly. So yesterday I read about two survivors who had been afloat at sea for 25 days after their fishing ship had sunken somewhere around Indonesia/Australia. They said that everyone else drowned, but as the ship was going down, they saw a cooler, yes a cooler, about the size of a desk floating out of the ship, so they swam to it and got inside it. They floated in this thing, in shark infested waters for 25 days and somehow survived. The article said that they were dehydrated and that currently doctors were trying to find out how they survived and what they drank to stay alive. What they drank to stay alive?? Out in the sea for 25 days!! The answer should be obvious to anyone! THEIR URINE! They had to right? I mean the body can’t go more then a few days without water and salt water is no good, so what else is there? I’m pretty sure this cooler wasn’t filled with Desani or Miller Lite. Immediately, to my horror, I realized this is what must have happened and I wanted to puke. I tried to picture myself in this situation. (Why I have no idea) Cupping my hands, lifting the warm liquid to my lips, you get the picture, and as the anxiety of just thinking about it rose I realized that if I was ever lost at sea, I would be just as good as dead. Not even to get out of the deepest darkest pit of some grotesque, unimaginable hell would I drink urine. If God appeared to me and said, “Verily Jefferson, I say unto thee, in order to pass through the pearly gates and have an inheritance in mine kingdom, all ye has to do is drinketh up of thine own urine,” (This is the KJV of the Lord, not the NAS, NIV and certainly not the Message.) then I would be damned straight to hell.
If I was in a cooler floating in shark infested waters I would do my best to attract a shark and throw myself at it, hoping it will end me quickly rather then drink the lemonade of death. Of course, the worst assumption here on my part is that they drank their OWN urine, the alternative, yeah, we aren’t going to go there.

You Got To Have Faith:
I think it would be funny if there was a faith healer who healed appliances and electronics instead of people. I can see it now, a long, line of people bringing in busted printers, blown speakers, VCR’s, coffee pots, 8 track players, Commodore 64’s, and lots of HP Desktops. He would lay hands on them, say a prayer and yell “Be healed!” and lo, they would work! Instead of just blowing on them like Benny Hinn does he could just use a can of condensed air that you use for cleaning keyboards. Just spray on the Spirit and bam! It is healed! Now that is somebody I would tithe to.

Well folks that about does it for this entry. Hope you enjoyed it and catch you next.

Blast From the Past.

2008-12-15T22:44:00.000-08:00

The time is 10:30 P.M. and I am listening to The Muse. We have a few things we can discuss tonight and I might not get to them all but we shall see. For one, we can talk about my new job a bit, also random Obama paraphernalia, gay protests, charismatic faith healers, possibly Michael Phelps, or eve an email scam I chanced upon in my inbox. Let’s start with the email.

So I have been getting a lot of spam mail the last few months and they are getting annoying. Sometimes they are cleverly labeled like “Are you that guy I used to pick on in Jr. High? (The answer is probably)” and “Are you that nerdy guy with the pimples from math class?” (The answer to this is definitely.) So much to my curiosity I opened my inbox and saw an email titled, “Hey it’s Erin…remember me?” I thought really hard for a moment, yes, I had known a couple of Erin’s in the past. At the same time however a cautious warning that it could be an invitation to porn crossed my mind. My curiosity, among other things, was aroused, so I immediately opened it. This is what I read.

“It’s been awhile, Almost 2 years now I think! This still you? What have you been up to? Still single? I have been with my GF for just about 2 years now! We met a little while after you and I stopped talking.”

I thought, okay this has to be porn related but I will make sure. So I read on:

“She’s really great and is the reason I am messaging you... her bday is coming up and since we are both into men I thought it would be fun to set some fun up for us as a present! I remembered how hot you are…”

I would just like to state that when she said, “I remembered how hot you are…” it became painfully obvious that this was a hoax. No girl from my past still in her right mind would call me hot. On a very nice day, if they are feeling generous, I might get a cute, but never a hot. I will let you finish reading the rest of the email if you are curious.

“…And was wondering if you were still interested in meeting us and taking it even further hehe”

Hehe indeed. I mean seriously, this is the kind of low grade, hack job, crappy writing I am supposed to fall subject to? I should be offended, no rising action, (Hehe, no pun here either) no antagonist/protagonist, no sense of irony, please spare me the Harlequin details. Anyway, there was a link there that I did not post here lest you may stumble, nor did I follow it myself. I can’t actually prove that I didn’t, so you will just have to trust me.

Gay Day: So I am sure you are all familiar with the recent protests for gay marriage. One such protest came to my attention from a newspaper in San Francisco. It stated that on a certain day this year every gay person “call in gay to work” and not show up to protest their rights. They were calling it A Day Without A Gay. I don’t know if this plan really ever happened or if it was just a possibility. It is pretty darn funny though. So if this is like calling in sick are they equating homosexuality to a sickness? We discussed this issue at work and we decided this would actually work against their cause because all their co-workers would be pissed at having to cover their jobs while they “Called in Gay.” Besides, if they actually went a day without gays, then every Disney store in the world would all be closed since at once. We also thought that, given the bad job market, calling in to work was not a wise idea. However, I have to say, “A Day Without A Gay” is better then their original idea which was “A Year Without A Queer.”

ODD JOBS:
So I have a new job as you all should know by now. It is pretty cool and the people I work with seem nice enough. They are letting me pretty much design their intranet site, which leaves me with loads of tantalizing possibilities. I have a cubbie (much like a cubicle but made of dry wall.) It has a window and faces my boss’s office. I have a cubbie hole? I have never had one before. What should I do with it? This leaves me in a conundrum of sorts. Everyone knows when you have an office, there are certain obligatory items that you must put in it, that more or less define you, or at least give off clues about yourself. Pictures of family or pets, bobble head dolls, sports stuff, little figurines or signs along with a whole myriad of other possibilities. So I will ask you dear reader, what should I put in my cubbie that defines me?

I know what you are thinking, a map of Middle Earth, Cobra Commander figure, a model Tie Fighter, a poster of a hot elf chick licking a dagger and maybe some multi-sided dice. But I have a chance here to be creative and not let them see me as a nerd just yet. Specifically, there are two special points of interest: the screen saver, and the calendar.

My current screen saver says, “Dell” on it and the current calendar hanging on my wall is a “Waterfalls of the World” one. I was at least hoping for a “Large rocks of the earth,” one but no, I get water. So I ask for your suggestions. My current laptop background is the picture of me with my Russian hat and German coat on. I call it the Czar picture and my friend Faith took it a few years ago. Maybe I should just use it for my screensaver. As for a calendar, how about the Far Side daily calendar or possibly a homemade "Cats I Have Loved" calendar. You decide.

So I am sitting at work on Friday and my boss walks in with a box and says, “Jeff, here are your business cards.” And I’m like, “I get business cards?!?! HELL YEAH!!!!” Was more or less my response. I have business cards now. I feel so grown up and professional. It says Jeff Jordan on it and has our company and logo etc on it. I was hoping it said, R. Jefferson Jordan, ESQ, Marketer Extraordinaire on it, but alas it didn’t. I latter asked an attorney friend of mine if Esquire was saved only for attorneys and she said, “yes. Damn lawyers, why do they get all the cool titles.

Anyway, I get business cards! I can’t wait to start handing them out to hot girls I meet on chance encounters. The real trick I have to learn is how to sneak in and leave some in women’s restrooms without getting caught. Sounds like a great way to meet chicks in my opinion.

I also have to bring a gag gift for the company white elephant party next week. I am brainstorming.

What to take a bunch of accountants? Maybe pocket protectors. One co-worker went online and found a black bobble head Jesus that looks like Snoop Dog. I totally want this. I have been debating collecting weird stuff anyway and I think that would fit right in.

Well gang that is about it for now. As you see from my first paragraph I have plenty of material to pull from for another blog or two. Until then Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and all that.

A Good 'Ole Fashioned Blog

2008-11-03T22:53:00.000-08:00

The time is 8:51 P.M. and I am listening to Rhetoric. Okay, not really but I thought it sounded intellectual and all. So tonight I don’t have anything long or fancy, just a good ole’ fashioned blog, a return to the good ole’ days if you will, when life was simpler and there was no internet to make things complicated. Today we talk about Karate and I write my own worship song. So without further delay here we go.

Karate for Christ: Okay folks, this is something I have been planning to write about for sometime but kept putting it off. However, every day at work, I am confronted with this issue and so I finally have gotten around to writing about it. Across from my Sbux, there is a Christian Bookstore. One day I went to work and noticed a new business next door to it. The sign read, and I kid you not, Karate for Christ. My satirical instincts quickly rose to the occasion. I mean this is the very kind of Christian crap I hate, and here was the perfect opportunity to mock it.
I don’t like Karate for Christ; Karate is overrated as a form of self-defense. I much prefer the noble art of Judo for Jesus, also called Jew-do, or maybe as my brother suggested, Tai-Kwon-Do Unto Others. I see Karate for Christ as being there own sect of Christianity, much like the old monastic orders. I just have one question here. Do they teach their students to turn the other cheek? Or do they teach you to chop the other cheek? While many sects follow the teachings of St. Paul or St. John they probably follow the teaching of St. Norris, who never sleeps, he just waits. I am sure they spurn the teachings of St. Francis a Sissy. (I’m proud of that historical pun) He was way to pacifistic for them.
I can see them now, instead of using the Sword of the Spirit or the Breastplate of Righteousness, they use the Nun-Chuck of Redemption and the Bo Staff of Judgment. I think the whole idea is hilarious but I will spare you anymore bad puns. I did find out afterwards that the Main Place, a very large local church that also runs a nearby theatre and thrift store, is running the center. However that makes the whole thing even lamer in my opinion Oh well…

Speaking of which, if I was to ever start my own Dojo (Yeah right) I have decided I would name it the Cobra Kai Dojo. Many of you will remember this as the “evil” dojo in the Karate Kid movies. I mean, who wouldn’t want to join that? And yes, I would teach my students to sweep the legs, you heard me, sweep the legs. Muahahaha.

Bruce Springsteen To Launch Voter Drive – Four years ago Bruce Springsteen made a controversial tour, with many other artists, called the Rock the Vote tour in attempt to get John Kerry elected. (Much to the ire of my Dad.) He is doing it again this year, of course, the name of this years' tour? Barack the Vote.

I have decided to write my own worship song. It seems like so many people nowadays do so I figured why not me? So here it goes…

He is our thirst quencher,
He is our hunger buster.
He is the soul reaper
And Ketchup to our Mustard

He’s Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnivorous

So we sing….

Forever God is Eternal
And that’s a fairly long time.
We lift our arms in worship,
And sometimes we really mean it
And that last line didn’t rhyme.

And we try to focus on you,
And not the hot girl in the pew,
Wearing a low cut strapless shirt,
That has no business being seen in church.

(Repeat)

So we sing…

Forever God is Eternal
And that’s a fairly long time,
We lift our arms in worship,
And sometime we really mean it.
And that last line didn’t rhyme.

I think mine is pretty good and brutally honest. Perhaps I will submit it to DK, our music minister and see what he thinks. The only down side is I can’t write music, but I have a rough tune in my head.

Well that’s about it for now folks, I have to go practice my forms for my yellow belt test.

The Night of the Hell Spawned Turd.

2008-10-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

">The time is 3:02 A.M. and I am listening to more Wilco. That’s right folks, A.M. as in the middle of the night. Sorry it has been so long, I have been rather bored and uninspired lately, however you have to strike while the irons hot, so here it is. Now normally I would take the time to give you a brief update on my life and all that’s going on, however, something so terrible, so horrible happened a few days ago, that we are going to jump right in on this one. WARNING: The content you are about to read is graphic and might offend some readers. It’s been awhile since we have had a good one, but I kid you not, I present to you, a truly epic episode of…

Great Moments In O.C.D. History: So for several complex geo-political reasons, my store has a lot of homeless, crazies and transients. Seriously, I can think of five off hand we have to deal with. Once we even had to call the police to have them escorted off the property, (he just took off one day, running into the streets, yelling and banging on peoples car windows.) Let’s call him Leon. There is another one who hangs out all evening, is fairly polite and doesn’t quite smell as bad, let’s call him Lenny. Now one Saturday, I had a very long and tiring shift and by the end of it, around 5:00 P.M all I wanted to do was get the hell out of dodge. So an hour or so before my shift ends we get this big Frappacino rush, long lines, multiple orders, and just two of us to handle it. So I am on register taking orders and writing cups, and in walks Lenny. Great, I think, well, no big deal anyways. A minute later walks in Leon followed by another tall crazy looking dude with a hunchback, let’s call him Quasi. Now Leon was specifically told never to return to the store and if he does we are to tell him to leave and call the cops. However, we are in the middle of this rush and I can’t really shout across the store yelling at him to leave. So a minute later Lenny looks at me and points to the restroom. I nod my head. He uses are bathroom to freshen up but usually asks before he does. He goes in. Leon and Quasi then decide to get in line for the bathroom as well. We are still in the middle of the rush and I really can’t stop everything to deal with them yet.

A few minutes later Lenny exits, then Leon goes in, a few minutes later, he comes out, and Quasi goes in. We still have a long line. Then Quasi opens the door and walks out as well. Lenny is outside now and Leon is sitting down. Quasi walks past me and says in a deep voice, “Your bathroom needs some attention.” He then sits down.

Immediately I had a terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. The store was still filled with customers though so I couldn’t check things out yet. After the line goes down I pull myself away from the bar long enough to check the bathroom. I was nervous as I slowly approached it. I felt like a kid walking to the principles office, or worse, I felt like a death row inmate being led to the execution chamber. I stopped in front of the door. Trembling slightly, my hand reached for the knob. I stopped and lowered my hand in hesitation, or more likely, survival instinct. I shook my head and took a deep breath. I lifted my hand again and grabbed the doorknob. I slowly turned it, the seconds seemed like hours, everything was going in slow motion. The knob clicked open. I pulled and the door swung open.

I was instantly hit with an overpowering wave of stench that threatened to make me vomit. Suppressing my gag reflexes for the first of what was to be many times I looked inside. There in the bathroom of Starbucks, lay the most hideous, foul, disgusting thing I have seen since the Clinton vs. Obama primaries. It was as if a dark portal to the underworld had opened up and that hell had spewed its vilest, most blasphemous creation onto the bathroom floor. For you see, there on the bathroom floor of the Newport/ El Camino Starbucks lay a large pile of loose human excrement. Not only was there a pile, but there were smears of it all over the floor and around the toilet. It was like somebody just decided to wipe their butt on the floor instead of using paper.

This is the part of the narration where words fail me, but I shall try. I felt a chill rush down my spine. Like somebody had thrust a freezing cold dagger (With a frost enchantment on it.) through my upper torso and stuck it all the way down my spine. (It felt strangely similar to being rejected by a girl- fancy that!) Then, like a bomb going off, I felt a torrent of heat rush up through my gut, through my chest, and into my mind. Yes, Jeff Jordan was having a panic attack. I slammed the door shut and ran to the back and kicked the mop sink as hard as I could. What was I going to do? What could I do? I couldn’t even look at it, let alone clean it, nor could I make anyone else do so in good conscience. What could I do?

I think this was the absolute closest I have ever been to having a mental break down. I was mad as hell. I was mad as a hornet’s net poked by a stick. A hornet’s nest poked by a stick and gasoline being poured over it. Gasoline poured on it and then being knocked off the tree branch, picked up and thrown into a fire. I wanted to drag all three of those crazy buggers out onto the patio, cut their heads off right there, and spike them on the patio umbrella as a warning to all other crazy freaks to keep the hell away.

I ran back to the lobby and confronted Leon and Quasi. Did you do that? I practically yelled at them. Oh no, not us, of course not, they replied. It was Lenny, they claimed, he is “eccentric” they said. “You’re not even supposed to be here ever again.” I told them as I went outside to Lenny and threw out the same question. Of course it wasn’t him either, he always leaves the bathroom clean, he informed me.

I now had to think of the customers. I ran into the back, made a sign stating that if anybody even so much as opened the bathroom door, let alone step foot into it, then I would cuts their limbs off, stuff them in the blender, and serve them to them as a Frapiccino. I walked back outside, Leon and Quasi were gone now. At least one burden was gone.

I looked at the floor, their were small turd stains on the it. Quasi and or Leon had evidently tracked it out into the lobby as well. Great. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I went to the back, said a very brief prayer, and took a few deep breaths. About this time the shift change came. The girl relieving me came in and I told her and the other employees what happened.

“I know your not going to leave that mess for me.” She said. Damn straight I am was what I wanted to respond, after all, it was past time for me to leave.

“Well maybe we should just leave it for the manager in the morning.” I said, knowing full well we couldn’t do that, but oh what a prank it would have been. I went to the back and called the manager, there was no answer.

So I figured the first thing I got had to do was clean the lobby floor where they tracked some out. There wasn’t much and in three minutes of excruciating mental pain, I had mopped it up. That still left the bathroom. I looked at it one more time and suppressed another attempt by my body to vomit. I can’t do it, I told the Lord. I simply can’t. I walked back out, held my hand in my head trying to think. As far as I was concerned, I wanted to Napalm the whole festering pit to pieces. I figured Napalm MIGHT kill all the germs. It was from a homeless guy after all and probably contained, AIDS, Hepatitis ABCDEFGHIJKL and Z, Scurvy, Malaria and Lime disease.

About that time, salvation came through the door. One of our new girls, let’s call her Whitney, was working. Her brother was in to visit her at work. He had just gotten out of prison and really didn’t have much going for him. Whitney told him what had happened.

“Shoot, I’ll clean it for 20 bucks,” he said. I could not believe it. Twenty bucks????? That was all???? I would pay him out of my own money if I had to. Ka-Ching! I went to the cash register and did a 20-dollar pay out. A pay out is basically a way of getting quick cash out of the tills in case of an emergence. As far as I was concerned, this was a disaster the size of Katrina, but instead of swamp water from a whole in a dam it was diarrhea from a dam A-hole. (I thought that was pretty clever.)

Anyways to wrap this thing up, I guess after being in prison, homeless feces isn’t such a big deal. I got the cleaning supplies out, paid him the twenty and walked out the door, suppressing another attempt at retching, but at least somewhat sane. I went home quickly and I don’t even remember the rest of the night.

EPILOGUE: The next day before church I went in to talk to the manager to explain everything that had happened. She apologized for not answering the phone etc. and then told me some wonderful news. Whenever anything like that happened, we are not allowed to touch it. In fact, we lock the bathroom door and in the worst case scenarios we may have to close the store. The best part is that there is an emergency number we call to get a biohazard crew out here to clean up the stuff. I then replied this would have been a nice thing for them to tell us in TRAINING! They made no mention of it, I would have remembered it because I always was worried something like this might happen. Anyway, the biohazard clean up cost like 1,500 Dollars so I basically got a guy to do for 20 bucks a biologically dangerous job that normally pays 1,500$. Dang, what a bargain, I am keeping his number in my wallet from now on. I smiled slyly as I informed the manager that I just saved the company 1,480 dollars. I then asked for a raise.

Right, so there you have it, arguably the worst night in my life. It was certainly the worst in recent memory. I have to apologize for the graphic content of this humorous yet insightful look into the mind of O.C.D. I am proud of myself for making it all the way through this entry about poop without dropping an S bomb though.

Catch you all next time.

Livin' La Vie La Loofah

2008-07-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

02 July, 2008. The time is 3:30 and I am listening to Amy Winehouse. I’m going to be honest here. I am in love with her. My former crush was Neko Case, who is still a close second, but Amy has definitely taken the lead spot. Maybe we can do drugs together some day. I have a big announcement to make today so read on.

Being out here in SoCal has made me realize that I am not cool. Big shocker I know, but there are so many cool people out here, with their fancy shades, hip styles, cool hair and hot bodies and I am definitely not one of them. I wish I could be that guy, the guy who always knew how to act around girls and get their attention, the guy who made peoples heads turn or made people envy you but I am not. Of course I also wish I was younger, not going bold and not so dang white. Oh well, screw them.

Maybe some of you have read about new legislation in Spain that would give Apes and Gorillas basic human rights as our “evolutionary cousins.” This is part of a movement sponsored by a few hundred scientists worldwide. It basically says we are related and would ban the use of Apes in the circus, experiments etc and from being caged etc. I think this is possibly the lowest level man has sunk to in recent years. Just when you thought you could not demean human beings anymore they go and throw this out. I also think this is unbelievably hilarious. Does this mean we can adopt apes and monkeys as family? Can you, for 50 cents a day, sponsor a hungry Gorilla in the Congo? Does this out law petting the monkey? France however is incredibly grateful to Spain because now they have become the laughing stock of Europe instead of France. I have just one question though, does this give basic human right to Rosy O’Donnell too?

And now it is time for my big announcement.

The Taming of the Loofah:

I am a Metrosexual. I have been in denial for a long time, trying to fight it, to say it ain’t so, but at last I am forced to come to grips with my own metrosexuality. I am coming out of the wardrobe. If gay guys come out the closet I am going to say Metro’s come out of the wardrobe, it the closest thing I could think of anyway. How did I come to grips with this harrowing fate? One simple word: Loofah. Yes, it pains me to admit it but I bought a Loofah and I know that it was the final straw. Up until then I had some cause for denial. I had special soap for shaving, advanced Neutrogena shaving cream and TWO different prescriptions to put on my face. In addition to that I blow-dry my hair and can’t stand wrinkles in my clothes. I was already long gone down the metrosexual highway but the Loofah is what really did me in. Ok guys, a Loofah is that big spongy looking thing in the shower. You use it to scrub and exfoliate your skin. (Exfoliate mean to get rid of the dead skin basically.) This helps keep pores clean etc. I had to get one. You see, for some time now, especially since I moved out here, my neck has been really red and breaking out. It was driving me crazy and I talked to the doctor about it. In addition to the special shaving cream and soap, he recommended the Loofah. So I went and bought one. It was an embarrassing experience to say the least.

Buying the Loofah was no easy task. There I was, in Target, in the feminine hair care section. There was Herbal Essence, Dyes, and Suave. Right next to them, in a large bin, were the Loofah. I looked carefully around to see if anyone was watching. There was nobody around. They were pink, yellow and green. At least they had green. I quickly grabbed it and threw it in the cart. I then put a pair of Khaki pants on top of them to hide them. I had picked the pants up a few minutes ago solely for this purpose. I proceeded to the check out. I had gone late at night so that hopefully there would be few people there. Unfortunately Target does not have self-check out, which meant somebody was going to have to ring me up. I went to the shortest lane possible. It was an older lady. I couldn’t decide which was worse, having a guy or a girl ring me up, so I went with the lady. I handed her the stuff. She scanned the Loofah and looked at me. Was there mockery in those eyes? I couldn’t tell. She scanned the rest of my items. I then told her I had changed my mind about the Khaki’s and that I did not want them. Their true purpose had been fulfilled after all. I paid, took my bags and drove home quickly.

I tried to find a good place to keep it hidden from my roommates but it really only made sense to keep it in the shower so in the end, pragmatism ruled the day. I thought I would be mocked for this obviously girly item but so far they have said little. So yes, I have been using the Loofah on my neck, my journey to the dark side is complete. I had tried to think of a manly way out. I considered using steel wool instead of a Loofah. I certainly think that would exfoliate my skin, if not rip it off altogether. In the end I decided to stick with the Loofah. I have to admit, it has made a huge difference. My neck has been much cleaner after shaving and my skin now has a silky porcelain sheen to it. (It really HAS made a big difference.) So there you go guys, I am a Metrosexual. I hope my coming out will encourage others everywhere to do so as well.

I better run, I have to be at my manicure in ten minutes.

The 2nd Date, Online Yet Again.

2008-06-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

The time is 4:00 P.M. and I sitting at a coffee shop listening to the myriad snippets of conversation that I hear in passing. By the way, it is probably 75 degrees or so with a nice cool breeze blowing. Yeah, kind of confirms my decision to move out here. Especially when in Texas I see it is already close to 100. Haha.

So a few entries ago I did a little piece on online dating. Today, after further research, I think it is time for another entry upon this topic. So without further delay, I give you…

ONLINE DATING PART 2

I think I mentioned this before but I filled out the free Eharmony online personality profile awhile back and you know what they said? “I was currently unmatchable!” so a couple months later, after I moved out here, I filled it out again and guess what? I am still currently unmatchable. Muahahah! This really cracks me up. First of all, I would like to proudly point that this gives me the greats honor of being able to brag about being rejected by 1.2 million women at once. I mean how many guys can claim that? I would like to thank the academy

Secondly, and I think this is really what is going on here, is that I am such a tremendously awesome, cool, genuine and handsome guy, that Eharmony realized they could not possibly find a girl who would be my equal. I suppose that means only God himself can find such a being.

As for Eharmony, I am not sure what I am answering wrong on their questionnaire. I mean they want you to be honest right? They ask you questions and want answers ranging from all the time, somewhat of the time, rarely and never. (Or something like that.) So when they ask, “Do you have dark thoughts?” What’s a guy to do? I mean who doesn’t have dark thoughts every now and then? Or even on a daily basis? So I put sometimes. What’s wrong with that? When they ask. “Have you ever felt they call of the ancient god Cthulu?” what are you supposed to put? I mean who hasn’t? Oh well, who needs them anyways, I have other sites to visit.

Now upon my rejection at Eharmony, that led me to investigate other sights, mainly free ones, since I don’t have much money. (So why am I even thinking of dating then?) I did a tad bit of online research and discovered there were a couple that stood out. The largest and most popular being Plenty of Fish (At www.plentyoffish.com) This is a completely free and easy to use site with no strings attached. You can view people, message them and even chat with them at no charge and there are thousands and thousands of people on it and hundreds in the L.A. area. Before I continue, let me state that L.A, as a whole, but especially Orange County has a reputation of being very, very fake and shallow. So in accordance with that I saw profiles for a lot of really attractive gals saying they were tired of the OC scene and looking for somebody honest, genuine and sincere who would not play games and would treat them with respect. I thought to myself, “Perfect! That’s me! I mean, I’m probably the nicest guy I know. I should be a shoe in.”

I email about 25 or so to see what happens and you know what? None of them replied.

So the question is: ARE they really looking for something different or are they looking for somebody who is honest, sincere, blah blah but hot and rich and fits into the O.C. mold? Now I know I’m not the most attractive guy, so maybe they weren’t attracted to me, and that’s fine, but I still found the whole thing amusing.

I’ll have you know that writing these profiles is a very difficult thing. You have to try to sum yourself up all in a few words and the worst thing is you got to have a headline to catch their attention. I looked at other guys’ liners to get some ideas and I even looked at some women. They were all the same, “Nice ___seeks honest, sincere blah, blah, blah” or “Searching for the one, “ or “trying this thing out.” Etc etc. You get it, all pretty non-descriptive. So I figured I would try and come up with something better and if they didn’t think it was funny, well I probably wouldn’t be into them anyways. And to be honest, you can’t really judge somebody based on one headline.

At first I put “Raised by Wolves.” After about ten minutes I decided that it was to silly. So I then put, “Have your very own red-headed stepchild.” I left this up for four or five days. I then mentioned it to my friends TK and SN they thought it was horrible, because it made me sound like I have a child. I guess they were right, but anyone reading my profile would know I didn’t. Oh well. I finally ended up with, “Red, white and blue, without you.” A bit cheesy at first until you realize I am red, (my hair) white, (exceptionally so) and blue. Of course blue probably makes me sound depressed, which is funny because for the first time in along time I am not. Oh well, it was better then my other idea, which was, “Red, white, and blue ball.” Anyways, I never put much stock in the whole thing, which leads to my next idea.

I am considering giving all the girls there exactly what they want: An impossibly handsome, manly yet smooth, rich, sincere and honest guy, in short, a fake personality. I have been thinking of this character for a while. He is 29 years old and served in the 101^st airborne for 4 years. Afterwards he went to law school somewhere prestigious. He just passed the bar is starting a promising career in Costa Mesa or maybe in Newport. Anyways, I’m thinking of a name as we speak. Suddenly all these gals would start chatting with me. I could reject them, saying they are to fake or I could engage them and have fun with them. (My friend TK says this does not sound like somebody who is the nicest guy he knows...I have to admit he is right.) Anyways, then TK gave me the ultimate idea. I could have my fake profile agree to meet them for coffee. Then the real me could arrive a bit early and be reading, writing etc. The girl shows up, the fake guy doesn’t, soon the girl realizes she has been stood up, I (the real me) move in saying “ah you look like you were stood up” or something like that. “Want to grab some coffee? No point wasting the evening.” That would be hilarious. I am still considering it and it would be a great story to write someday. Which is pretty much what I just did.

Well I will catch you later but remember this, SWM L4 SWF. Later gang.

And Then There Were Two...

2008-04-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

29^th April 2008. The time is 10:00 and I am listening to the mournful sounds of some classical piece drifting through the coffee shop something moody with violins, cellos and harpsichord. It seems appropriate enough however.

Things in California are going okay. To be honest, the time has flown by very fast and I feel like I am in some sort of dream and that I will wake up tomorrow and still be in Dallas. I don’t FEEL like I am in California, nor have I done a lot of Cally kind of things. Maybe it is all still sinking in.

This weekend I traveled to fabled Richmond, Virginia to be in my good friend and valued New Prussian citizen, Andrew McMahans’ wedding. It was fun but I still can’t believe he is married. Here is the thing, back in high school and early junior college, the five of us: my brother, me, Andrew, Scott and another friend named Matt all hung together pretty much non-stop. (Except after 10 P.M. when Andrew had to be home in bed.) Matt pulled the trigger first and got married about ten years ago. One down, but us other four were still around. Then Scott went and done got hitched a year or so ago. (How long HAS it been?) It’s okay, still over fifty percent of “the five” are single. Then it happened, Andrew found the desire of his heart and somehow wedded her. That means three out of five are married and my brother and I are now the minority. How it ended up being us two I have no idea, but I feel as though I am standing on an island all alone now, the last remaining bastion of some old guard, gone and almost forgotten. Oh well, congrads Andrew. Now go make babies, New Prussia needs more citizens. And now I proudly present...

Fun with Charities:

So there is this charity called Shoes for Africa. You have probably heard of it and undoubtedly Andrew has done much work with them while in Sudan. Anyway, what they do is take your old shoes and give them to people in need in Africa. Every girl I know has about 20 pairs of shoes and I wonder if they take red high heels. Anyway, this charity has inspired me to come up with other charities of my own that take similar donations. (BTW- there is one that takes your old glasses as well.)

‘Undies for Down Under – Every day hundreds of people in Australia go without a decent pair of underpants. Now you can donate your used boxers or whitey tighties to this wonderful cause. Please wash first.

Bra’s for France – I am told women in France go topless at this beach. Of course this must be due to a shortage of tops, which this charity plans to change. Please donate your old Bra’s or Bikini tops.

Glasses for Cambodia – Okay, this one is really, really mean and I was tempted to leave it out, but hey, I have already come this far… Anyways, if you know a little history you will get it, if you don’t then it is just as well. Think Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge.

Coats for Antarctica – Under funded scientific research teams, forced to use all of their funds on equipment and transportation, saved money by skimming on cold weather gear and are now freezing to death in the snow and ice. Your old coats can save their lives but only if you donate them in time. However with global warming this may not be an issue much longer anyway.

And now time for...

Great Moments in OCD History: I’ve decided I will never go surfing. Granted this probably would never happen anyways, but it sure as hell won’t ever happen now. My roommate for two weeks, Travis, is a surfer and he has confirmed my worst fears about this activity. They call it the brown tide. That occasional moment when swimming through the Ocean that the water gets a dirty murky brown and they find themselves floating amongst the remains of human waste and sewage! For God’s sake, what is wrong with these people? Swimming in human filth? Not only that, but he admitted that recently a bunch of syringes were found washed ashore at one of the beaches he surfs at! Okay I understand the allure of extreme sports, the rush of parachuting or the glory of snow boarding out of a helicopter on the top of some mountain. I can see the temptation for such things. However you aren’t parachuting into a vat of syringes or snow boarding down a mountain of dung. (Would that be Mt. Crap-a-towa?) I mean seriously, can you image the horror of swimming in blue waters when all of the sudden you notice oblong, brown chunks of stuff floating by, brushing up against you? Perhaps you are surfing along, floating on a wave of feces, when you wipe out, fall in the water and it all rushes into your mouth and up your nose! I would kill myself in anxiety if something like that happened. I mean if I were to invent a form of torture, it would involve something like this. Maybe I would start water boarding with brown tidewater. Now that would be enough to make any terrorist gush in a torrent of information. It is certainly enough to keep me out of the water. Incidentally, this weekend a man was killed by a Great White shark off the coast of San Diego, giving me yet another reason to stay out of the water.

Well that is probably enough potty humor for now. I will come back with more later. Roll tide, roll.

The O.C.D.

2008-03-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

It is a big day in New Prussia and there is much to report. (Including something that hasn’t happened in months!)

The time is 1:30 and I am listening to little except the soft breeze blowing outside the window. Romantic huh? Well for those of you who are curious I am now living in Orange County California. The O.C. Now, I have to admit that I am tempted to rename my blog The O.C.D. it is fitting after all. I was disappointed with the name Letters From the Front. I was hoping that some random blog surfer would find my blog and think "oh this must be something really in depth and thoughtful," like the musings of a young soldier in Afghanistan or Iraq coming to grips with the harsh realities of war. They start reading and realize it's not and they are like WTF? Who is this freak? What have I gotten myself into? Is there a God at all? So far that doesn't seem to have happened.
Many of you know I had been looking to get out of the conservative Bible belt, as well as some of the fake yuppie-ness of North Dallas, for some time. The irony of course, is that I moved to Orange County, the Bible belt of California, and it's impossibly more fake then Dallas. Still it is nice here, the sun is shining, the ocean is 20 minutes away, I can see the mountains from my place, palm trees sway, girls are hot and many breasts are fake. I'll be honest here, I am not an expert on breasts by any means, so I don't really know this for sure, but I am told they are. (Would this make me a boob noob?)
A look at the parking lot of a local mall reveals 3 BMW's in a row, a smattering of Lexus's (lexi?), Escalades, Porches, and other car I will never drive. Sitting next to them is my beat up Altima. It has a small dent in the driver side door, on the opposite side is a paint stain where somebody at my old Sbux spilt their drink on my car, (Or more likely, threw it at my car out of anger.) and somewhere, between here and El Paso, lies a cheap wheel cover that came off one of my tires, I love my car now more then ever now. I like to park it next to these fancy cars and quietly judge them by proxy through my Altima.
However, much like heaven, I am in a better place now. There is a lot of creativity out here and hopefully I will be more inspired. More so, it is really good to be back with my old gang, fellowshipping, hanging out, making trouble and generally having fun. I had few good friends left in Dallas and I felt I just never could fit in at Watermark, I simply wasn’t cool or handsome enough.
So far I really like the church I’m going to. It’s like a breath of fresh air breathed into the stale, dank, caverns of my soul. It is a place for misfits and dregs, normal people too. I am sure there is an “in” crowd but it doesn’t seem very dominant. They are genuinely committed to the arts, not in the half assed way many churches do, but because it is the language of our generation. Most importantly they really embrace outreach as a way of life, rather then something that is preached but the congregation really fails to act on, I am excited about it and I think good times are ahead.

Another Death in New Prussia.

It’s a glorious day in New Prussia for our old dear friend, the great equalizer of man, the grim reaper has reared his cloaked head once again. Now it has been a while since we’ve had a good old-fashioned death here and I was beginning to wonder if our pal had forgotten us altogether. Fear not, however, for he has returned in full force. Now I must admit, this is not one of my child hood TV rerun heroes as in past. In fact most of you will have not even have heard of this man, yet his influence on me has been profound. Yes, folks the great Gary Gygax, creator of Dungeon and Dragons, has passed into the great beyond. Dungeon and Dragons, the game feared everywhere by all good Christian parents and Baptists ministers. The game that brought us thinly clad elf chicks and such strange wonders as 10, 12 and even 20-sided dice. The game that inspired many Friday night adventurous that kept us chasing wizards and warlocks instead of women, followed by later Friday night runs to IHOP to bask and revel in the afterglow of our glorious adventures.
Gary, or Lord Volinar, as he was more commonly known, died a few days ago when a daemon (that’s a non-satanic demon) he summed to harness and use for his own purposes broke free of the binding spells and slew him in an epic battle. He is not completely gone however, for just as his soul was leaving this realm an evil warlock captured it and infused it in a magic crystal. Gary’s captured soul now rages as in instrument of great destruction in the hand of this warlock and it appears it will take a band of mighty adventurous to kill the warlock, smash the crystal and free Gary once and for all. (Recommended for character levels 45-50 only.)
Anyhow, Lord Volinar, Gary Gygax, we lift our mead filled gauntlets in fitting tribute to your legacy. We look forward to that glorious day when we to, may join you in the hallowed halls of Valhalla. Gary was level 69 when he died. Here is the last known picture of him:

Well that is about it for now folks. I hope things are going well with you all and I expect I will have much to report, including some Great California Moments in O.C.D. history. Later.

More Great Moments

2008-01-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

Greetings, it is 9:00 P.M. and I am at Starbucks and listening to the Challengers by the New Pornographers. It might very well be my favorite album of the year. Very Indie pop with lots of harmonies. Now don’t get worked up in a legalistic frenzy, they are a very clean band despite the name. I will explain how they got their name later. For now it is time to bring back a long lost segment. I haven’t had a lot of big incidents in the last few months but lately there has been a mild rash of them. So without further adieu I present to you.

Great Moments in OCD History:

I have to change the trash at work all the time. I have learned to do it with minimal anxiety, except for two cans in particular, the Women’s and Men’s restroom. It exists as a safe haven for germs, bacteria and diseases everywhere. I put on a pair of pastry handling gloves as I prepare for battle. I know these gloves are a feeble defense, much like France’s defense in WW2 against the plague of Nazi Germany, but it is the best I could do. I go and change the trashes. Easy enough. However, as I carry the trashes to the back room, disaster struck. Now generally speaking the men’s restroom is far nastier then the women’s, however I submit to you that the women’s trash is far nastier then the men’s. So it was, of course, the women’s bathroom trash that came open without me realizing it, spilling its contents across the floor as I walked away. I heard laughter and turned around. Horror struck as I saw what happened and I knew it was going to be my job to clean it up. I looked at all the dirty brown paper towels strewn across the floor and to my shock noticed there was something white and neatly bundled up laying on the ground as well. Yes, a tampon, a monthly necessity to every woman out there, was lying out in plain site for OCD boy to clean up. It wasn’t nasty or anything, it was safely sealed, but non-the less, I had to get close to the damned thing. This is one part of my future wife’s life I want nothing to do with, let alone somebody else’s. I did not want to even breath the air around it, lest I accidentally inhale some random feminine hygiene germs. I mean we are talking possible STD’s here. So I go get the broom and the long handled trash scoop (I don’t know what its called but it’s the kind they use to clean movie theatres etc.) I took a deep breath and swept it all into the scoop. Then I went to the back, let out my breath, dumped it all in the trash can, tied it up and washed my hand profusely while breathing in clean safe air. Now this incident wasn’t horrible compared to some, but it was bad, and gross, and the fact it happened to me, OCD boy, is just to rich to pass up. We have one more incident to report.

During the holidays there is more desert in a two week period then there is in the entire rest of the year combined. One of these deserts was a coconut cream pie. Now I have been doing really well with my diet and had decided to take the holidays off. I happen to be a sucker for coconut cream pie (And if you are curious, you can buy a whole one at IHOP or Denny’s. It is quite economical.) Now this pie was not whole, but about ¾ whole. Somebody (my dad) had gotten into it already. It sat in a cheap aluminum pie tin. I didn’t know how cheap until I pull it out. As I turn around with pie in hands, the aluminum tin folds in half. Everything goes into slow motion. “Noooooooooooo” I yell in agony. (Actually I think I yelled Damn It!) I can see the entire pie slowly sliding out towards the floor. I lower the pan to minimize impact and to my amazement the entire pie slides out neatly onto the floor without going splat or anything. It just sat there, on the floor, mocking me. Knowing I could never eat it as a horde of fell germs swarmed there way into the pie, breading in the sweet sugar and coconut. My mom came in, saw the pie on the floor, and started cracking up. What was I to do? We managed to put the pie back into a new, stronger tin and returned it to the fridge.

Fast-forward two days, my Aunt and Uncle are in town and for dessert we have chocolate pie and coconut cream. They don’t know about the incident. My uncle orders coconut cream. I raise my eyebrows and looked suspiciously at my mom. When it came my turn to order I said, “Given prior events I’m afraid I must go with chocolate pie.” My Uncle looked at us and my mom squealed the truth out to him. He laughed. I was amazed anyone would eat it until it happened. My craving for coconut cream pie hit me. I fought it. It was a furiously epic battle between my sweet tooth and OCD. I reasoned it had been in the fridge long enough to kill any germs. I succumbed to the temptation and I ate some of it myself. I still can’t believe I did that and I eagerly awaiting the Ebola I shall surely get from the situation. For my friend Nicole who sometimes reads this, you know you’re chunky when your sweet tooth overcomes your OCD!

Well that’s about it for now. Oh yeah, how The New Pornographers got their name. Often when Jerry Fallwell opens his mouth something embarrassing to the cause of Christ comes out. One of these times he said that rock and roll was the new pornographers, hence the name of the band, The New Pornographers. They are good and I recommend you check them out. Well that’s it for now folks. Take care and next year in Berlin.

The Dangers of Playing with Fire.

2007-11-07T11:03:00.000-08:00

The time is 10:33 P.M. and for the first time all is quiet. However I still have plenty to say. Today’s topics rage from Wildfires to online dating. I dressed up as the California Wildfires for Halloween. It was hilarious and I will post pictures on Facebook.

Speaking of wildfires I know what caused them: Sex did. You see Tom Nelson said sex is like a fire. In it’s proper place in marriage it like a warm fire in a fireplace. Outside of marriage it becomes like a wildfire that can destroy everything. Therefore, with all these fires breaking out, there must be a lot of people in California having sex outside of marriage. Which is exactly the reason I am moving there.

So my parents and a few other older couples at Firewheel Fellowship Church are now in charge of the senior adults Sunday school class. They met at our house one night to discuss the future of their class as well as what to name it. Now the people in charge of the Sunday school want them to name the class Stage 3, which I think is lame. Instead I have come up with my own list of names for the senior citizens class at church. I think my dad is actually going to read this list at their next meeting.

The Sanhedrin

Last Call

Redeemer Bible Church Garland.

Stage 12

Senior Moments

The Remnant

The Viagra 9

Sons of Methuselah

I was really surprised to learn that Methuselah and Sanhedrin were both in spell check. Who knew?

I have been really bored with pretty much everything lately (Especially Church) and so I have been messing around with free online dating services. Online dating has become very acceptable in the last few years and to be honest, it’s probably a lot better then some of the systems we have now. I do not plan on partaking in it yet, but I was curious to see what was out there. Along the way I learned a few tips I now pass on to you. Please note these are from a guy’s perspective. Sorry girls.

Do not place a picture of you with a friend if your friend is hotter then you. What follows is the thought process for us guys…”DAMN! She’s hot!” then we realize that is the friend, not you and it’s “damn, it’s a friend.” Then we become friends with you just to reach your hot friends, which creates one big mess. It’s just all around a bad idea.

Naming your self. Ok you have to pick a name and some subtitle but it seems many girls do not understand the art to this. If you put a name like BTCHGODDESS or TXBTCH, which I have seen, no guy in his right mind will message you. Very few guys think “oh sweet! A total bitch that will be egotistical, selfish and treat me like crap! Just what I wanted!” Usually we look for kind loving gals.

Alternately, do not name yourself TOTALHOTTIE4U or HOTNTXS, if you are not a total hottie. It just isn’t cool and no one will take you seriously. Plus liars go to hell.

Some of these women scare guys off before we even see your profile. Phrases like ‘lonely and looking” “Awake at night dreaming” “Desperate for Mr. Right” and other phrases just smack of emotional instability and to many episodes of Oprah. Very few guys want to jump into a co-dependent relationship and no guys have subtitles reading: “looking for lonely and desperate.”

Here is another bit of advice. Most of these profiles include comments about how these women want to be treated seriously and with respect. However, the first thing you see is their profile picture with tons of cleavage hanging out everywhere in a low cut shirt, spaghetti strap shirt with high cut mid-rift as well. Yeah, nothing say treat me with respect like showing off your body to a guy to get attention.

Don’t mention that you just got out of a relationship. I have read some that actually say, “Just broke with boyfriend of _ years. Looking to date etc…” Yeah, REALLY healthy signals your sending there princess.

Speaking of which, don’t call yourself a princess either. While you may deserve to be treated like one, it comes across as pretty arrogant to be calling yourself that. I know, I call myself a Czar, but that is totally different.

Now there is an issue that is absolutely demanding to be dealt with in my blog next week. It has risen to a crisis level and I cannot ignore it any longer. I speak of course of the broadcast refuse known as Dancing with the Stars. Until then, look for me online as LONELYHOTCZAR4U.

Penguins on Parade

2007-10-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

Greetings fair citizens. Today we mock Scientology but first...

It’s 9:00 P.M. and I am listening to various musicians pay to tribute to Carter Albrecht, local legend and music icon. He was a member of the local band Sorta and has made big headlines lately because he was shot and killed in the middle of the night a couple of weeks ago. Anyway, the point is, there is tribute to him tonight, with various friends all playing his songs and reminiscing about him. It’s pretty good. Somehow I accidentally bought a CD of this girl that has been playing, but she was cute so oh well. Now let’s have some fun.

I almost didn’t pick on Scientology because it is to easy, sort of like picking on the fat kid in high school. (Which was pretty much me.) but I could not resist. Now to set this up it must be known that one of Scientology’s claims is that they can cure homosexuality, and if you think about it, who are two of it’s biggest stars? Tom Cruise and John Travolta, both rumored to be gay. So I started thinking, what other claims does Scientology make in order to attract people into joining. Here are a few I found.

Kirstie Alley – Scientology can cure obesity and addiction to Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Jesse Jackson – A cure to complete and utter social irrelevance.

Patrick Stewart- They can cure baldness. (A proposition I would be tempted to buy into.)

Kevin Costner – They can cure an unnatural desire to make bad baseball movies.

Brittany Spears – They can’t help her career but they can teach her to keep her panties on.

Magic Johnson – AIDS. (Yes, I just made an Aids joke, deal with it.)

Bob Dole – E.D. –but he would lose his Viagra sponsorship.

George Bush – A cure to bad foreign policy.

O.J. Simpson – A true fix to homicidal tendencies.

Donald Trump – Being an arrogant bastard.

Ted Kennedy – If anyone can cure a Kennedy of alcoholism, they can. Now if only they could resurrect his dead relatives.

Incredible Hulk – a cure for those anger issues.

Ok that’s enough of that for now. Let’s turn our eyes elsewhere…

Penguins March Against Global Warming.

Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica, - A plethora of Penguins, dressed to the nines, gathered on the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica, for the now historical Million Penguin March against Global Warming.

Scientist of the Bjorn Norwegian research station were in awe of the gathering. “It was amazing, suddenly out of nowhere, thousands of penguins began to converge on this one ice shelf.” Leif Svenoric said. “It was kind of freaky too, like the Doo-bee Doo-bee Doo Bud light commercials. We could only hope their intentions were peaceful. There was no way we could fight off that many of them and being pecked to death by little birds in tuxedos is last on my list of ways to die, which is right below freezing to death in some God forsaken ice land.”

“We can only assume they are protesting Global Warming.” Leif continued. “Since they could not gather in Washington or Prague, they are doing the best they can. Maybe now the world will take them seriously.”

The Penguins, for their part, waddled around a lot, jumped up and down, and then made a giant slide in the ice that the baby penguins played on.

It was not long before other creatures, also threatened by global warming, added their own weight to the gathering. Orca whales, several dozen of them, formed up on the edge of the ice shelf, seemingly cheering the Penguins on.

However, it wasn’t long before this peaceful protest of natural harmony was interrupted by disaster. As if to underscore the seriousness of the situation, the Ross Ice Shelf, already thin from global warming, shattered under the weight of a million Penguins, hurling them all into the sea below. At that point the Killer whales true intentions became clear as a feeding frenzy erupted.

“It was like an all you can eat bird buffet.” As Lief described it. Scientist shrieked in horror as the normally clear blue cold Antarctic water churned an icy blood red.

“We couldn’t believe what we were watching. The horror of it will haunt me all my life.” Says Svenoric as he takes another bite of pit roasted BBQ Penguin. “On the flip side, we did discover a great new food source”

This was my cat Sputnik. He was cylindrical and pointy. He was a stray just like me. I miss him.

Well, that’s about it for now good citizens of New Prussia. Keep on fighting. Next year in Berlin!

Oh Chaplain, My Chaplain

2007-09-06T12:23:00.000-07:00

The time is 2:30 and as per usual I am rocking out to Wilco. Their concert is in a week so I have to get ready for it. I am still in the planning stages of moving to California. I just spent 600$ on car repairs so that might set me back a little but it’s better to get it done now then wait until my car breaks down and I am stuck in some God forsaken part of New Mexico or Arizona, waiting for help, only to end up in a scene that could be part of The Hills Have Eyes 3.

So my dad is a chaplain for a hospice. I have always admired my dad’s ministry and how he is able to encourage people and reach out to those in very desperate situations. However, it got me thinking about other chaplain jobs available and what they would be like.

Dallas Cowboys: Yes, the ‘boys have a chaplain on staff. I would probably die from excitement if my dad got this job. I wonder what it is like? Is the Bible your playbook? Instead of a clipboard with plays do you walk around with a clipboard of tracks? Maybe you teach players the 3:16 Defense instead of the 3:4. Do you implement a Romans Road offense or more of a free will scheme that allows players to make plays on their own? Of course, watch out for the Redskins, they are all going to hell.

Charlie Chaplain: Okay, bad pun but I had to add it. I would hate to see my dad walking around with a little black moustache, black derby and cane. Besides, Charlie Chaplain was an Atheist, pretty ironic considering his last name.

Army Chaplain: A very noble profession but I can’t help but picture some big bad ass chaplain running around all tough and yelling at soldiers; “Are you saved, soldier?” –“Sir yes sir!” – “Do you want to go to hell!”- “NO SIR!”. “What’s hell for soldier?” –“Hell is for the Taliban sir!” –“What army are you in?” –“I’m in the Lord’s army, yes sir!” They then bust into an entertaining round of “I may actually march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, and shoot the artillery, but I’m in the Lord’s army.” It seems Baptists would excel at this profession.

Chaplain to the Senate: Yes, the United States Senate has a chaplain on staff. I have to think this is probably the most bored chaplain in the country. He has no ministry and sits around all day doing nothing because let’s face, no politician has a conscious, and they certainly aren’t going to seek spiritual guidance, unless maybe there is a scandal. Which leads us to…

Senator Larry Craig- caught soliciting gay sex in men's public restrooms. Congress has discussed launching a probe to investigate this matter, but seriously, it seems to me that Senator Craig has been probed enough already as it is.

How does one just solicit sex in a men's restroom anyway? It seems pretty forward. "Um excuse me, would you mind picking up that roll of toilet paper for me?" Do you think he tried it at the men's restroom on Capitol Hill? "Excuse me but, would you be interested in...oh my apologies Hillary, I didn't realize that was you in there." Maybe he could get Ted Kennedy drunk.

I'm trying to think of name for my California trip planning. Maybe Operation Bikini or something like that. Anyways, until next time, have fun.

2007-08-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

Greetings all, the time is 11:54 and I am listening to These Eyes, by The Guess Who. A random band from the 70s, but a great song none-the-less. So for those of you who don’t know, I have decided to try and move to California. Yes that’s right, it’s high time I hit the road. I really have little reason to be here anymore, outside of family. I have more good friends there then I do here right now. I am completely bored and uninspired here and while I do not want to flatter myself, one friend said to me “you are to smart to stay in Dallas,” which I appreciated greatly. How often do you get then chance to go live somewhere as cool as Southern California? Anyways, hopefully, Lord willing I will be out there soon. Now for some random stuff.

A 70 year old butt naked white man. That was NOT what I was expecting to see when I turned the corner into the men’s locker room at 24 Hour Fitness, yet that was the vivid image I was confronted with and now forced to deal with. He was just there, next to the sinks, not doing much of anything. I blinked and quickly turned the corner to the lockers. Now the showers are tucked nicely away around the corners and each one has a little cubby that you can use to dry off and change in, but no not this brave elderly gentleman.

He proudly stands with his sagging belly and pasty skin for all to see. I quickly put my stuff in my locker and gave it a minute or so. Maybe he will be gone by now, or even better, have clothes on. I take a breath and turn the corner. There he is, butt naked still, bending over and rubbing lotion on his legs. I shudder and run. The image still haunts me to this day and I quiver before I enter the locker room from now on.

This sounds like a Miller Lights Real Men of Genius advertisement, you know, we salute you, Mr. Proud-To-Be-Old-And-Butt-Naked. You, who proudly displays your pasty white gut and your purple veins. When older normal men would show even a modicum of modesty and restraint, you bare it all for everyone around you to see.

This next part I wrote just to practice writing..

Here is a profile of a customer of ours. I have changed the name to supposedly protect the innocent here but lets face it, anyone reading this that works at my store will know who he is. Raphael always walks in looking a little lost, as if he isn’t sure where he is or at least, what café he is at. I am sure that if he didn’t have a note to remind himself every morning, he would forget to put his pats on. I have seen him at various other coffee shops throughout the area at equally various times of night. He’s an accountant and seems to live in his own little world, oblivious to most other things around him. His mind must be a chalkboard filled with equations and numbers, consigns and statistics, logarithms and proofs. There could be an abacus tucked away in there as well. He always orders a doppio macchiato, always, but half of the time he fumbles around as if he is trying to think of it. He sits down and starts reading the paper or possibly works a crossword puzzle. You call his drink three times and give up because more often then not he forgets about it. He also has a little Chihuahua that stays in his car, unless he sits outside. Then he lets the little runt out. He is, beyond all doubt, hopelessly single. Perhaps that’s why he is so wrapped up in his own little world of mathematics and theories.

Anyways, not much else in the way of news here. Catch you later.

Blog Con

2007-08-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

It is 8:12 P.M. I am at a Starbucks and listening to the new Feist album. I really like about half of it, the other half is decent. Anyways, as some of you, but hopefully not very many of you may know, I recently went to the premier nerd convention in the country, Comic-Con. I have to admit I was pretty skeptical going into this thing but after it’s all been said and done, I must admit I was impressed. This is no mere small time Lone Star Comics show. This place transcends all of nerdom. It has TV, film, comics, art, video games, vendors and more programs then the Neo could hack through. They showed sneak previews for the pilot episodes of the Bionic Woman and The Sarah Conner Chronicles (from terminator) and afterwards the cast and crew did Q&A’s. Additionally the cast and crew of Hero’s, Futurama and Battlestar Galactica showed up for Q&A’s. Names like Ray Bradbury, Neil Gaiman, Frank Miller, Stan Lee and scores of artist, writers and actors were present and it was even rumored that Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba made appearances too. It was quite a show. Of course there were scores of people dressed up in various costumes, some come cool, some lame, and some very revealing. I have decided I will have to divide this into two blogs rather then one blog larger then a Balrog. I will post some pictures to at some point here.

But now, I have a top ten list and article for you to read.

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Comic-Con

10. Discovering the frozen bliss that is Yugurtland.

9. Vendor babes who act mildly interested in you just to sell you crap.

8. Clogged Toilets at the Holiday Inn.

7. Nothing cooler then cruising around San Diego in a minivan.

6. Think you’re life is bitter? Try being Will Eaton. (Wesley Crusher for you non nerds)

5. After seeing some of these people, suddenly I don’t feel nearly as nerdy as I used to.

4. Summer Glau in person.

3. It’s good knowing you’re not the only virgin out there.

2. Men dressed as Spartan’s who obviously need to go to the gays in comics workshop.

and the number one reason to attend comic-con…

1. Princess Leia Slave Girl Outfits!!!!!!!!!!

Nerds Descend on San Diego, Thousands Flee.

July 26-29, San Diego, in what can only be described as a nightmarish scene from some sort of hell for jocks, 130,000 some odd nerds, geeks and weirdo’s invaded the normally chill city of San Diego, CA.

Local residents fled by car, tram, plane, ships, blimp, you name it, trying to avoid the plague that had descended upon them. Many other residents had become accustomed to the yearly migration and were fully prepared, having found ways to cope in years past.

“The important thing to do is not let their nerdiness rub off you.” Says Robert Mitchell, a banker who lives in the greater San Diego area. “I try to do all the cool things I can that weekend, things they would never do. Go places they would never go. I usually go surfing that weekend and I try to bag at least two different chicks. They avoid the beaches since most of them have never seen the sunlight. Bars are another decent bet since at least half of them can’t get in. Going to a frat party is another good idea.”

Unfortunately there are those innocent victims who did not know any better. Many were on vacation in San Diego and found their normally fun trips ruined by roving bands of stormtroopers and animae look a likes.

“My and my friends came down here to party this weekend,” says Todd Archer college student and member of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, “When we got down here we were really freaked out. Where are all the babes? Instead I was hit on by a girl wearing blue paint. I think my friend slept with a Jawa. It was horrible. The entire trip was ruined.”

The city of San Diego has considered issuing nation wide travel warning for this time year. Perhaps it is time they do before it’s to late.

Of course, now that I'm back in town, I'm faced with the dilemma of trying to explain to people that I went all the way down to San Diego with my college buddies and we didn’t party or chase girls, while trying to avoid telling them exactly what we did do. Dang, the life of a nerd is hard. Later gang.

Back From the Wild

2007-07-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

Greetings fair citizens, the time is 8:45 and I am listening to Wilco- Being There, one of their earliest CD’s but it rocks.

Now I know it has been some time since I have blogged sweetly and I have to confess that I had been quite uninspired and maybe even down right bored as of late. However I am trying to force myself to get back into the swing of things.

So my dad and I went to Yellowstone National Park a little over a month ago. It was glorious and consisted of some good father/son time with no arguments, believe it or not. We saw lots of animals and due to how early in the year it was many of them had just given birth or were doing so while we were there. The mountains were gorgeous and on our first day there it actually snowed. The rest of the week the weather was in the 50’s and 60’s. The place is astounding but despite it immense beauty and majesty, in my opinion, the true power of Yellowstone lies in its quiet ability to heal the soul. However, I know you aren’t here to read about how great it was.

I do have a special treat for you today, my journal that I kept while on the trip. So it is with great honor that I present to you what I call….

The Yellow (Stone) Pages:

Mon, 28 May, 2007- Dear Diary, I cannot tell you what a great day it has been. We flew into Salt Lake City, the whitest airport in the world. On the plane I had to go to the bathroom. Let me tell you, using the cramped, smelly, restroom on the plane resulted in a truly great moment in OCD history. I think I can still smell the urine on my hands.

From Salt Lake we got a small turbo prop plane. I sat at the window by the propellers. As we flew, I watched them spinning and I must admit, I felt a little like Indiana Jones on his way to some great adventure, only without the whip, hat, gun, hot girl, or great adventure. Landed in Cody. Went to sleep.

Tues, 29 May, 2007 – Dear Diary, Pa and I woke up early, hopped in the car and began the hour or so drive to the park along the Chief Joseph Highway. Along the way we stopped at a pass that the great Native American leader Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce tribe led his people through as they tired to flee the reservation and escape to Canada. The government caught many of them and forced them back to the reservation. Many also died along the way, however some did escape. I am sure the fact the highway is named after him however makes up for everything. Silly Native Americans, trying to flee the reservation indeed! Arrived in Cooke City and got our rooms for the week.

Wed, 30 May 2007. – Pa and I went hiking. Along the way we ran into our first grizzly bear. We startled it and it was not happy with us. It looked so cute and cuddly until it decided it wanted to eat us. Pa and I ran but the grizzly was faster. While we were running Pa tripped me and I fell down as he ran on. Fortunately, I remembered you were supposed to play dead in this situation. The bear sniffed and pawed at me as I lay on the ground, but it got bored and soon left. Pa’s quick thinking saved us all. I named the bear Mr. Chocolate. I wuv you Mr. Chocolate.

Thurs, 31 May 2007 – Dear Diary, I have to be careful writing in you now. Last night Pa caught me and said that only queers and girls keep diaries, and that if he ever caught me again he would beat me and throw me back to Mr. Chocolate. Today we saw a wolf being chased by 3 coyotes, a marmot, a bald eagle and more buffalo then you could drive to extinction. We also saw a red fox.. I decided I want one for a pet. I have heard of people doing this before and I think they are cool. They are the perfect cross between a cat and a dog and let’s face it, they would go great with my hair.

Fri, 1 June 2007 - Dear Diary- I miss my Mom and cried last night after we went to bed. We will be home soon though. This was the last full day in the park. We saw the geysers and mud pools. It was scary but neat. We found a spot where they have these steaming hot pools of water. The sulfur smelled like rotten eggs and reminded me of the time I ate chilidogs at the Dairyette. We decided to try and cook hot dogs over the boiling water. I made a joke about having an old geezer by an old geyser. Pa laughed and then pushed me in. The searing hot water really burned and left marks on my body but afterwards I had to admit, it was pretty funny.

Sat, 2 June 2007 – Dearest of Diaries today was the last day of the trip. We drove through the park one last time. Pa asked me if I wanted him to just leave me here while he went back to Dallas. I was flattered that he wanted my vacation to continue even when his ended but I decided that I didn’t want to stay after all. He looked disappointed. That night we drove back to Cody and ate Pizza Hut. Good-bye Mr. Chocolate.

Sun, 3 June 2007 – Dear Diary - We flew back to Dallas today. Mom was waiting for us at the airport. It was good to see her again and I told her all about the great time Pa and I had together. I can’t wait until some day I have my own son to take such great trips with.

Well as you can see, at my father’s expense, we had a fun time together and it was nice to go nearly a whole week without seeing a Starbucks. I really did make the joke about having an old geezer by an old geyser. I’ll try and post a couple of pictures soon. Catch ya later.

Yellowstone, Here I Roam

2007-05-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

The time is 9:15 and I am listening to Wilco’s new album. It is, of course, brilliant. Now normally I go to a quiet little coffee shop on Northwest Highway but tonight I felt like doing something different. I felt like going somewhere cool and trendy, so I went to the Starbucks in Uptown. Now I have mixed feelings about places like this. They are cute and fun for a while, and I like some of the stores and styles that I see along the way, but eventually I get tired of it. Eventually it becomes that impossibly fake and hopelessly shallow North Dallas feel that I hate so much, even though it’s near downtown. Pretty people in cool clothes and acting like they have it all together. I prefer to call it UpYours.

So as an addendum to my last entrée, I thought of another power I would like to have. Optical Eye Zoom I would call it, the ability for my eyes to zoom in on one thing across the room and see it clearly. Let’s say I am sitting here and across they way a young man is reading a book. He is in deep thought and has a look of consternation on his face. Is it a graphic novel? Is it something by C.S. Lewis? I do not know, but if I had eye zoom I could focus in on it and see what it is. If it was C.S. Lewis I could then pray for the young lad to have understanding. Better yet, if it is a cute girl reading C.S. Lewis and then I could go over there and ask her what she thinks of, stating that I too, was a Lewis fan and quite familiar with his works. That would be cool.

I have two new inventions for you tonight.

The All New Club for Dogs: I have heard of people getting their dogs chipped with tracking devices so that if they escape and get loose they can be found. My friend Scott’s dog, Cody, is a good example of this. Well, he was, Cody is too fat to go anywhere now days, but he used to be. So if they are chipped, they could still get out and get run over etc. That’s why I propose the club, for dogs. It works like the club for cars really. You attach it to the front leg on one side, and cross underneath the dog and attach the other end to the opposite back foot. Then turn the lock and presto! Your dog can’t walk anywhere! I would advice putting a food bowl next to him in case he gets hungry. I am also currently working on a Club for children too.

The TZ-2 Self Defense Cell Phone: Phones these days do everything. They play MP3’s, download email, re-shingle houses, surf the net, hold entire day planners, you name it. Why not have one for self-defense? My phone comes with a built in Taser that you can use to stun somebody if you ever feel threatened. Great for women especially. Just Zap! And they are down for the count. Please be careful not accidentally zap yourself while you are talking on the phone. If you could create an EMP explosion without setting off a nuke I would make a phone with an EMP device as well.

I went to the dentist the other day. I have a complaint here. Every time I go they give me nothing but bad news. This probably corresponds directly to the fact that I never go until I feel something is wrong. Most of you have probably heard Bill Cosby’s famous bit about the dentist. I have my own rant as well. Namely this. They take your X-rays and what do they do? They put this big lead cover your body to protect you. Never mind the fact they have a freakin’ LASER pointed right at your unshielded face! I’m like, oh ok this thing is dangerous enough to put a lead blanket over my body but you can aim it directly at my head for some reason? I don’t get it.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I am going to Yellowstone National Park next week so hopefully I will come back with some good new material. Take care, next year in Berlin.

Red Czar Diaries

2007-04-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

The time is 8:15 and I am listening to the mixed cacophony of various conversations, coffee grinders, and music that is playing on the floor below me. In my lat blog, I mentioned I was going to make fun of Thomas Kincade, Painter of light. However, to do so properly I need my digital camera, which I lost in New York. So the Thomas Kincade entry will have to wait until I can borrow one. Instead here are some quick hits to amuse you.

Secret Confessions of the Czar:

1. Don’t you hate it when, you awaken some powerful and ancient evil, thinking that by doing so it will in turn show you favor and instead it completely turns on you? I hate it when that happens, it’s such a buzz kill.

2. Sometimes, when I make a fast hand or arm motion, I wish that a
”swish” sound effect would play, just like in the cheesy 70’s Kung Fu and Ninja movies. Alternately, and much more often, when I move slow and deliberately, I wish a mechanical robotic whirring noise would play.

3. I also wish whenever I enter a room that the Imperial march from Star Wars would play. I would love to have this play when the groomsmen and I walk out for my wedding, however I really don’t want a Star Wars theme wedding. Now Lord of the Rings….

4. This is weird, but often when I see a bug like a mosquito flying around my head, I wish I was part lizard and could whip out a long slender tongue and gobble it down. It’s not so much that I want to eat bugs, I just think of the look on the bugs face as the completely unexpected happens.

5. I also occasionally wish that my finger could mold into the shape of keys for any lock and instead of using a key I could just use my finger. I would never misplace my keys again.

6. Have you ever noticed how strange the word weird is? What is the rule they teach you in elementary school? I before E, except after C. However in a self-fulfilling move the word weird lives up to it’s own definition and is spelt with the E before the I without the presence of the C.

There are some other more generic things to, like snapping my finger to clean my room like Mary Poppins did, or being able to fly or breath underwater, but these are some of the more unique ones.

Perhaps you have some strange secret desire? If so please let me know. I would love to hear them.

It has been brought to my attention from my fellow watchdogs of Christian culture that there is now a Christian version of YouTube. It is called GodTube and can be found at www.godtube.com . Maybe God can post some videos of himself? I fail to see why anyone would ever create such stupid web site. It has inspired me, nonetheless, to create my own set of Christian web sites.

-El Shaddai Tunes- A place for Christian music trading. (Especially Amy Grant)

-AlphaOmega- A Christian search engine.

-Predestination Station- I know we already have equally yoked, but this is my own dating site for those meant to be.

-Girls Gone Wild for God- Check out videos of hot Christian chicks serving the Lord on spring break mission trips.

-AOHell - An internet provider for Christians

Pearly Gateway- Where Christians can buy computers.

Well that about does it for now. Catch you later.

Start Spreading the News

2007-03-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

Hello fair citizens of New Prussia, the time is 3:30 and I am currently listening to Josh Ritter. Anyways, I went to New York last week to visit my friend and confidant Andrew. It was a blast and I have a few comments on it, but first, here is a new product.

New from the Land of the Burning Sands comes:

That’s right, Liquid Jihad, the new energy drink. So strap one on and take a shot. Remember, it’s the bomb!

Now that is done, we can move on to New York. It is a fabulous town and here are some of the highlights:

-Losing my digital camera

-Nearly getting trampled by a giant rat in the subway

-Freezing my butt of in 20-degree sleet and snow while walking in the streets of Manhattan.

-Incredibly sore legs from trying to keep up with other New Yorkers and the hyper speed walking they do.

Ok for real. It was a blast none-the-less. We did a lot of touristy stuff. Went to the improv comedy of Upright Citizens Brigade. Took a tour of NBC studios and saw Julia Louis Dryfus rehearsing as the weekly host. I also came away with more class and intelligence from touring the Metropolitan Museum. And that’s just a few of the many and wonderful things I experienced. With the improv show and the NBC tours with my love of Conan O’Brien, SNL and other sketch comedy, it was very inspirational and got me thinking again of how cool it would be to live up there and write for something like that.

Now I have to say, while in the Rockefeller Center we stopped at one of the many eateries there. Andrew chose a place called China Hunan or something Asian sounding like that. I was in shock. How could you be in that building and name your company China Hunan! Why not name the most obvious name of all: Wok-efeller. I couldn’t believe it.

It goes back to the same idea of when Andrew and I went to Gettysburg a couple years ago and we an Italian food place with some generic sounding Italian name. I then thought, why not name is Spaghettis-berg. I guess people in marketing don’t think like I do.

One other note, I decided to name my band Jefferson Car Bomb, although Czars of Clay was a really good option Andy.

All right gang, have a good day. Just tease my next entry I am going to discuss (i.e. Mock) the legendary Christian artist Thomas Kinkade. Peace.

I Have A New Calling In Life

2007-03-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

Ok. For some reason I have to use my Gmail for Blogspot now and I can’t get onto gmail with my laptop due to a strange crash, but I finally managed.

Right-o, here I am at the ole’ coffee shop and it is open mic night for Jesuit High, which has consisted of a smattering of poetry on social injustice and one man acoustic guitar jams. Oh well. If I had something like this in High School I would have probably loved it too. So sorry to take so long on making a new post, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and most of my writing has been devoted to elsewhere. I do have a new calling in life, so please, by all means, read on.

It was asked of me if I had any New Years resolutions this year. To be honest I don’t make New Years resolutions per se, but around the time of New Year’s I did decide to try a couple new things, so I guess they could be considered resolutions in a way. First, Starbucks has a deal with 24-hour fitness that allows us to join them for cheap and no contracts, so I decided I needed to get back in shape and joined up with them.

Secondly, I decided if possible that I would learn to play guitar as well. I have a secondary motive in that I hope it helps me score chicks but to be honest, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and I’m not getting any younger. So I borrowed my brother’s Axe (that’s 80’s rock for guitar) a sweet Ibanez Steve Vai edition. (Insert crazy 80s rift here.) This has led to perhaps my greatest calling. I thought all this time I was going to be a writer, it turns out I am going to be a worship leader. That’s right, as soon as I get good enough, I am going to start my own traveling praise and worship show, just like David Crowder or Shane and Shane. By all means this should at least help me get Christian chicks.

I have already picked out a name for my band. It is going to be called “Jeff Jordan’s Happy God Squad Band” or something like that. I will write great hits with titles like “Praise Him,” “Praise Him Some More,” “Still Praising Him,” “How About Some More Praise Anyone?” and when I get my corporate Dr. Pepper sponsorship, “Praise Him at 10, 2 and 4.” I can’t wait.

It’s funny, most of you know my dislike for such groups, however when I tell other people I know at work or wherever that I don’t like such bands they stare at me like I am crazy. I do it now just for shock value.

Another Great Christian Product:

I have another brilliant idea for Christian Culture to buy into. It is the all new Photo Album Bible. This a fully operational Bible that also has photo sleeves in certain parts for you to place pictures in. Picture this “give thanks to Lord, for He is good.” Now place a picture of someone you are thankful for in the sleeve next to the verse. The possibilities are endless, for the fruits of the Spirit, place a picture of somebody who exhibits a particular fruit. How about, “love thy neighbor” place pictures of your neighbors. “Love thy enemy,” place a picture of your enemy! “Thou shall not murder,” place a picture of somebody you wish you could murder. The possibilities are endless.

Anyways, it’s a great idea and I could probably make tons of cash off of it, but then I would be a hypocrite because I hate this kind of stuff.

Catch you later.

24 Hour Torture

2007-01-25T18:40:00.000-08:00

Greetings fair citizens and immigrants alike. I am sorry it has taken so long to right another entry. I have been working on a couple of short stories and thus most of my writing time has been consumed with that. However, here we are with another entry so let us continue.

I became a member of a torture chamber the other day. Now I can be in pain whenever I want. You see, I signed up for a membership at 24-hour fitness. Starbucks has a pretty good deal for their employees to join so I sucked it up and joined. I kid you not though when I say that upon walking in and seeing rows and rows of complicated equipment, with weights, gears and cables that it really did remind of some medieval torture chamber. The real irony here is that we have been suckered into paying for our own pain. Prince John would have loved our times.

Speaking of ironies, here is a couple more I thought of:

I find it highly ironic that the boy scouts, who pride themselves on resourcefulness and preparedness, have to have fundraisers every year.
I find it ironic that baby oil actually does not come from freshly squeezed babies.
Steel wool does not come from metal sheep either.

Ok those were lame I admit, especially the last one.

Have you ever wanted to become the president of your own church? Have you had everything in place but you just couldn’t think of a name for it? Well worry no more because I have created the first ever Evangelical Church Naming Kit. Follow the directions here and soon you will the perfect name for your church. First grab a 6-sided dice. Then roll it and find the corresponding word in the first column. Then roll again and find the word in the second column. Lastly roll in the third column and put them all together and presto! Instant ministry.

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

Fire 1. Creek 1-2. Fellowship
Stone 2.Wheel 3-4. Bible
Water 3.Hollow 5-6. Bible Fellowship
Willow 4. Gate
Briar 5. Woods
Oak 6. Ridge

See I will give an example. I roll a 5 (Briar) then a 6 (ridge) then a 1. (Fellowship) So my new mega-church will be called Briar Ridge Fellowship

So the might be a bastard series continues:

You might be a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her friend is hotter.

You are defiantly a bastard if you dump your girlfriend because her sister is hotter.

You might be a bastard if you break up with your girlfriend on Valentines Day. (I know somebody who did this, and then we popped all the pink balloons she had given him.)

Well that’s about it for now folks. Hope you enjoyed it.

Celebrity Christmas Lists.

2006-12-28T19:21:00.000-08:00

Greetings fair citizens of New Prussia. The time is 9:20 and I am listening to some dude with an acoustic guitar at a coffee shop. Normally I dislike the usual dude with a guitar at coffee shops because they generally suck and are loud to boot. These guys aren’t too bad though and seem to have quite a following. Apparently they are from out of town and came here just for this show.

I must admit I am having trouble thinking of You Might Be A Bastard jokes. I should probably be one for a time to better find out what all bastards actually do. However I can delight your senses with this bit of Christmas joy. Ever wonder what famous people want for Christmas? Well it here it is. The official...

...2006 Celebrity Christmas List.

1 George W. Bush- Approval ratings, any at all.

2. Nicole Ricci – A piece of rice.

3. Rosie O’Donnell – For her Barbara Walters fantasy to come to true,

4. Donald Trump – To develop his huge head into prime real estate.

5. K-fed – For even his own mother to buy his album.

6.Michael Moore – A box of Krispy Kream doughnuts.

7.Sashe Baron Cohen - For anyone to remember him in six months.

8.Saddam Hussein – To save his own neck.

9. Katie Holmes – For Tom to convert to Mormonism or anything less weird then scientology.

10. Brad and Angelina – Another poor third world child to adopt now that they have adopted ALL of them.

I have recently learned more people have been reading this thing then I had thought and I greatly appreciate it. It is encouraging in my writing to know people are interested in it. Okay gang, I’ll catch you later.

Yule Time Conquest

2006-12-22T15:14:00.000-08:00

It is 4:32 and I am listening to Christmas Carols. So it’s the holidays and I wish you all a very merry Christmas and hope the New Year is the best year yet. As the new, infant year kills the aged and feeble last year off many of you have wondered what Christmas in New Prussia is like. Now I covered this in a prior blog about this time last year but I will rehash the basics of it. For complete coverage see my entry on 12-25-2005. With this in mind, break out the Belgium Ale and gather along the French border for the Yule Time Conquest.

Papa Czar gives toy weapons to all good Prussian children. He rides a warhorse on most occasions but for Christmas he has a special vehicle he rides around in, an armored sled (made by BMW) pulled by 9 warhorses. Legend has it their names are Panzer, Blitzkrieg, Fritz, Otto, Fredrick, Rommel, Kaiser, Jagermiester and Luther. As you can see, the legends grow.

My Christmas list has not changed much. I still want a province in central Europe, the destruction of the U.N, a magical sword etc. This year I’m adding that I want a date, one single date with a cute girl. No, I would settle for one conversation with a cute girl this year.

For my next section I must preface this by saying that within the realm of cussing, swearing, and four letter words, I do not consider this to be a cuss word. Not a great word but not a cuss word by any means. So give your warm round of applause to my new segment:

You Might Be A Bastard….
These are similar to you might be a redneck jokes, only with bastards. I must admit I’ve never really been a bastard so this might take some time for me to think of some situations but they will go like this:

If you honk your horn to pick up your date, you might be a bastard.

If your name is Kim Jong Ill, you might be a bastard.

If you fill a water balloon with urine, you’re most likely a bastard.

If you after years of being exiled you return to your family just in time to steal their inheritance then you might be a bastard.

So you get the idea.

And now it’s time for, Great Moments in OCD History:

I was at work the other day when I got the call to put more toilet paper in the women’s restroom. Now I’m able to do this, it bothers me a little bid but not to bad. So we have these to plastic tubs that go through the toilet paper in the TP dispenser to make it easy to pull out. So I pull both of these plastic tubes out to place the paper roll onto them. Much to my dismay, my fumbling fingers drop one. Everything went into slow motion. I reach for it, “Noooooooooo!” I yell in angst as I watch it tumble and plummet into the toilet next to me splashing into the disease filled murk of the porcelain abyss. It floated on the surface, mocking me as anxiety set in. Fortunately there was nothing in the toilet. What could I do? I briefly considered just flushing it down but realized that would not work and would also be difficult to explain to my manager. I decided I only had option. I had to fish it out. So I went and put on the gloves and trembling and quivering I reached into the toilet and pulled the dumb thing out, washed it off, put paper on it and set it back in the metal dispenser. I then washed my hands like a surgeon. To her credit, one co-worker, Jessica, volunteered to fish it out for me but I knew it was something I had to make myself do. Please send flowers to my funeral.

Well that’s about it for now folks. I hope your Holidays are happy and germ free and that Papa Czar brings you all the weapons you want!

Welcome to New Blogistan

2006-12-01T14:11:00.000-08:00

It 7:32, no music, just apple cider. I must admit I don’t normally drink cider but since I have been trying to cut back on caffeine I have taken to it more. I have a special name for it, I like to call it Mormon whiskey, and it seems appropriate. This entry will consist of a bunch of quick hits.

I think 2006 should be considered for all intents and purposes, the year I died, or at least nearly went insane. I haven’t gone much of anywhere or done anything, I haven’t been in church or hung out with friends or kept up with people like I should. I have pretty much stayed at home and laid low while my mind got worse and worse. Anyways, not much good seems to have come out of it, it seems like this year could have not existed and I would have been fine.

I did move back home to try and get my mind back in order. So I have gotten on new meds and back into counseling. I haven’t been entirely satisfied with the results so I am now trying this Chiropractic/Holistic medicine specialist. So far it seems pretty to help.

My last blog inspired me to start my own phone ring tone service for people into rap and hip-hop. You would send in rap, hip hop, R&B etc to play on your phone. It would be called Bling Tones. I’m sure it has already been done.

The other day I was thinking about how ironic it is that Lou Gehrig, the famous baseball player, died from a disease with the same name as himself, namely Lou Gehrig’s disease. I mean, what are the odds? I could see the probability of somebody named Malaria dying from Malaria, but something as specific as Lou Gehrig? Talk about irony.

On the religious front, it has come to my attention (via a work friend) that the Catholic church is now allowing people to pay 150$ a year to have a nun pray for their salvation. Of course the plan was originally done to allow priests to pay nuns to pray for their salvation. Call it over-indulgences.

Anyways, that’s about it for now. I’ll catch you later.

Christian Culture Strikes Again.

2006-11-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

It is 7:30 P.M. and I am listening to a group of high school kids pretend to study in a group. No parent should let their high school kid go study with a group of friends because studying is not at all what happens. Anyways, faintly in the background Radio Head is playing so it is all good. Now let’s jump right into some fun:

Ringing in the Sheaves:

Christian ring tones, that is the subject of today’s topic. My friend Matt, sent me this link, www.ringspirations.com it is for a company that is collecting Christian rings tones for people to pay and download. The catch is they have this big mission statement and purpose and what-knot. Here is their motto: “Every time your cell phone rings, let it magnify the king,” I think it should be “Every time your cell phone rings, it makes it harder for Jeff to admit he is a Christian.” Or “every time your cell phone rings, an angel gets its wings.”

This is, of course, a revolutionary new method of evangelism that allows you to do so without having to actually love anybody. In fact, God himself has made a deal with Ringspirations to have the seven trumpets sound through your ring tones when the rapture happens.

I mean what can reach out to somebody more then 8-bit digital recordings of “Where there is faith” by 4 Him or “Friends” by Michael W. Smith? These phones also offer language filters to keep your conversations clean.

Their jingle could go something like “Hear the phones ringing their singing that you can be born again…” Or however that song goes.

Not only that, but I think there is a lot more potential for money, I mean ministry here. How about a Christian phone service as well? The service, tentatively called Nexthell offers unlimited God minutes and free calls to any Christians on the same plan. Remember, they have the largest prayer chain in the world to back it. (It’s the network} Now you can imagine and talk to an entire nation waving their hands and phones in heaven together.

Instead of Katherine Zeta Jones, they have signed Rebecca St. James to be their spokesperson. I really think I’m on to something here.

An Update from My Last Entry.

So my good friend Nicole mentioned in my last blog entry that I wrote “I poured soup into my open wound.” She thought perhaps soap would have been better. This is not the case. It was the all new “Chicken Noodle Soup for the Open Wound.” It immediately brought a soothing yet shallow and temporary relief to my aches and pains. It turns out this serious is more vast then I had known. Here are some other titles.

- Chicken Noodle Soup for the Confederates Soldiers Soul

- Chicken Noodle Soup for the Coward’s Soul

- Just Noodle Soup for the Anorexics Soul.

- Chicken Noodle Soup for the Pokemon’s Soul

- Chicken Noodle Soup for the Carpet Stain

- Chicken Noodle Soup for Hillary Clinton’s Soul–wait, never mind, she doesn’t have a soul.

Well that’s about it for now. I’ll catch you next time.

I Am Trying to Break You Heart

2006-10-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

I went to see Wilco last Thursday night. It was, to put it simply, the best show I’ve ever seen. There are two types of bands, those that merely entertain you, and there are those who are artists, creating an auditory Van Gogh or Rembrandt (or in this case maybe Picasso?) while you watch. Wilco is the latter. They are simply brilliant in concert, and anyone who is a music fan should make it a point to see them. They are the kind of musicians who make a crusty white boy like me want to dance and sing along with everyone else.

Now it’s time to bring back a lost segment of our show. That’s right, it’s time for more…

Great Moments in OCD history:

So the other day I was helping my dad move some stuff from storage and in the process received a little sliver on my finger. Not a serious one, but the kind that’s an annoying little bugger, like a paper cut, that hurts whenever you touch something with it. This really wasn’t problematic until work the next day. Mind you I receive money from people’s purses and wallets etc and let’s face it, money can be a dirty thing. No problem I was wearing band-aids. Now through the course of mandatory hand washing at work the band-aid naturally fell off. So I am careful with it, no biggie. However, I drink a lot of coffee at work (of course) which then makes me pee like a racehorse. (Or as one employee claims…a walnut bladder) So on break I run to the men’s room. Being in a hurry I open the door, step in and reach up to grab the inside handle to pull the door close. At that point I felt a dull pain in my finger as the cut pressed against the door handle. I looked at my hand and to my horror realized there was no band-aid on my hand. Time froze, my stomach churned, panic set it. I had pressed my open wound against the nasty doorknob of the men’s restroom! (Everyone knows how dirty these doorknobs can be when people don’t wash their hands) I, for all intents and purposes, had pretty much pulled my wound open and poured a vial of virus’s into my bloodstream, mashing them in further to insure they were injected! I could feel them circulating through me already. I was surely now going to die of Ebola or something equally horrible. Fortunately, due to a past similar experience, I had a contingence plan. I ran over to the sink, poured soup into the wound and made like a surgeon, scrubbing for the very first time. Then I went to the dish sink and ran sanitizer over my hand for a minute, and finally to be sure I had ended all threat of malaria or worse, I went to grab a little alcohol scrub cleaning pack, the kind they use to clean skin before injections, and delicately cleansed my poor finger. After that I figured there was nothing else I could do. I now wait patiently to see if I die of scurvy, AIDS, the Black Death or consumption. If I die please send flowers.

From the News Desk:

In international news President Mamoud Ahmadinejad of Iran appeared before the U.N last week in support of Iran’s nuclear program stating, “Right now, who can call the United States into account? Who has the power to hold them responsible for their actions?” He then went on to add, “Unfortunately, it is to late to hold them accountable for the release of Paris Hilton’s new album.”

Well guys and gals, it’s been fun. I’ll catch you later.

Climbing Jacob's Ladder

2006-10-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

I reluctantly walk into the building before me. I hate the place. It smells of over-sterilization and fading urine. Bodies twitch uncontrollably and mouths make incidental groans. Withered faces and hollow stares greet me. Seeing but not recognizing, watching but not comprehending. Artifacts in storage waiting to die. I am loath to go there, which I know means all the more reason I should go, to the nursing home.

She's dying. Has been for sometime, but now she really is. She has entered that last downward spiral and she knows it. We all do. I can't do much for her. Coffee and ice cream are perennial favorites, so I bring those with me. It's the least I can do. She looks like a wraith, rickety and gaunt. The image of God reduced to a fragile nothing. Flesh and blood scraped bare. I feel so helpless.

We were never very close. How could we be? But when I see her sitting there, lost in the fantasies of her mind, hands quivering from illness, pain plaguing her body, I am filled with emotion. She can't hear anymore and she can hardly talk at all. I am still reluctant to go. All I can really do is sit with her, but when I walk in and she sees me, her face lights up in a rare and genuine smile and a bit of life returns to those eyes, if only for a second, and in that moment I know I did the right thing. She is, after all, my grandmother.

More to come.

More Fun To Be Had

2006-09-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

It is 9:05 and I am listening to Jon Mayer’s new album, and I must admit, it rocks. Now for those of you who know me, you may know that traditionally I have hated John Mayer. While in the past he has had some cute, catchy songs, for the most part I have disliked him. I disliked the fact every time he sang he sounded like he was trying to seduce a girl and I have always hated his teenybopper, sorority crowd. In fact he was on the enemy of New Prussia list. That has all changed. I guess now that he has had success he has gotten away from his normal scene. His newest album is very soulful, bluesy and mellow. It has some incredibly deep and wry lyrics and I think it is funny because this album will be completely lost on his normal fans. Anyways, I recommend it.

So I wrote a serious blog and received a lot of criticism. The truth is, maybe this worship is wrong in some regards and right in others. Just because somebody is sincere still doesn’t make something right. You can still be sincerely wrong. Just because God uses something for some good doesn’t mean it is still good. The people buying doves in the temple were there to worship the Lord, yet Jesus still kicked out the moneychangers. Christian arts need to be open to criticism. The problem is, once again, you can’t really criticize anything in Christianity. In Lisa’s response on the last entry, she claims many people’s heart are in the right place so how could this be wrong? I would ask how could we just accept anything and everything and not allow it to open to criticism? Who am I to say something is wrong but who is anyone else to say its right? Anyways to conclude this debate, it still doesn’t sit well with me or many other people and I think that means there is something behind this issue we should be aware of. I do think we need to redefine worship however.

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In other news:

Scientist Discover Wild Horses Really Could Drag Mick Jagger Away.

It has long been believed that the Rolling Stones song Wild Horses was true. The famous song states “wild horses couldn’t drag me away” and has been considered by many to be scientifically true. That belief came crashing down last Thursday in a series of scientific experiments in which an aging Mick Jagger was hitched to several teams of wild horses and told to hold to a mannequin while they attempted to pull him away. The first team of four horses quickly pulled Mr. Jagger through the mud and dirt with no problem as did the second team. Then teams of two horses also had success. Finally only one wild horse was hitched to Mick Jagger and it too was able to drag him away, disproving the song all together. Not only that but to add even more humiliation an old gray mare was then tested and it pulled him away as well. In a final disgrace of the scientific method, a Shetland pony was tied to Mick Jagger and it to quickly overpowered him.

“Well, not so much now that I am 62,” said Mr. Jagger in response, “but when I was younger there was no way in hell they could drag me away.”

The claim is, unfortunately, unverifiable. In further testing on Mr. Jagger it was proven that the song “A Golden Retriever Couldn’t Drag Me Away" would be much more accurate.

Well folks that’s about it. Later.

On Worship.

2006-08-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

Valentino, that was the name on the slip of paper that was found in the back pocket of my jeans. Not the side with the wallet but the other side, that has nothing in it, except for the slip of paper I found. Valentino, it was printed in big thick bold letters on a perfectly cut rectangle piece of thick cardboard like paper. I ran the name through my mind and quickly realized I knew of none that matched it. Who or what was this name? Equally so, how did end up in my back pocket? The jeans weren’t new, it was no vendor tag that I knew of, nor had I taken the jeans off around anybody. I begin to think. Maybe one time, while in a crowded shopping mall, a CIA operative being chased by Chinese Assassins bumped into me and slipped the paper into my pocket. Maybe it was a code for some secret operation or maybe it held a tiny Microchip in it with the key to an international crisis on it. Maybe it was the name of a tall, slender, olive skinned, drop dead gorgeous Italian Femme Fatale that I would meet the next day. I did not know, but I knew there was a story here and the possibilities were endless. Yes, this really did happen to me the other day.

Who knows what may develop from it. Now let’s get down to business.

I regret to inform you few who may have come to this site in search of a jovial, uplifting blog entry, that indeed that is not the case this time. This is a serious entry that I have been meaning to write for some time but kept putting it off, that is until a friend of mine, one Scott Higgins, encouraged me to do so. It involves worship and all these cool worship bands running around that have taken Christianity by storm. I am going to make a statement you probably won’t hear much, but one that as I talk to people, I have discovered many others who feel this way as well. Namely, I have a problem with these bands. What it is I am trying to figure out. Writers write not so much to create or to relay ideas but out of a deeply felt need to understand things, both in themselves and in the world as well. So I hope that by writing this it brings to light some revelations about this issue.

I will start with what worship is to me. I am not going to get all exegetical on you and bring in Greek definitions and Biblical syntax about the Bible’s view on worship. That is useless in this exercise; rather, I define it by what it means to me, which is probably where the problem lies.

Worship to me, in short, is telling the Lord how much I love Him in one way or another, or maybe in essence, glorifying Him. In addition to that, worship to me is an incredibly private, deeply personal, and quite often emotional experience that is shared between the Lord and I and no one else. Most of my worship is not done in song, but usually in meditation, prayer, reflection and sometimes writing. It is a profoundly deep thing that escapes words and has little room for others.

Now there is also corporate worship with the body of Christ that we usually do with our fellow believers in church, camps or other such things. I have to admit, I have always had trouble “getting into” this. I appreciate the lyrics (usually) and I enjoy the fellowship with the body of Christ collectively glorifying Him But I have trouble really seeing it as true worship on my part, because it lacks the depth of my own private worship. Why is this? Am I afraid of being openly vulnerable? Probably. Does this process seem formulaic as well? Yes, we start church, gear ourselves up for three or four songs, and it is part of the show, to butter you up to be moved by the sermon. Do I have trouble focusing on songs while surrounded by people? Absolutely. Mentally I have incredible trouble focusing on singing in church. I get distracted by people (usually chicks) around me, and to be honest, for some reason my OCD tends to distract me a lot during worship like this as well. So to make it quick, I see the need for public worship in church, like the idea, but personally struggle with it. It lacks the authenticity (I had to work that catch phrase in) of the worship of my private life. I think this is part of the problem.

These concerts to me are very fake or forced expressions of worship, lacking the depth, originality and genuineness of true worship. It is in a sense, a forced experience. Perhaps, rather then going to a show and being led, in an entertainment style concert, the same people should try and do this themselves in the privacy of their room.

Another problem is worship is free. It is also very spontaneous at times. (I think this is a huge part of the problem right here) Worship is something so meaningful, so intense, that we are commanded, encouraged and should want to do, that to charge money to do so is to me, an abomination. I could simply state it as, I WILL NOT PAY MONEY TO WORSHIP MY LORD AND SAVIOR. That is the heart of the matter to me. I am sorry, paying 60 bucks to go see Dave Crowder is absurd. And even if the people who go are genuine in their praise, I think it is a shame they cheapen themselves to do so. Do I think Jesus would pay to worship? (Besides the temple tax?) I somehow doubt it. In fact, I believe that it was our Lord and Savior who made a whip and cleared the temple of moneymakers. I can’t judge Dave Crowder’s motives, he may be sincere and honest and probably is, but I still think this is wrong.

I saw Shane and Shane once, and it was weird. First of all, their name sounds like a kid’s show shown on weekdays only on Nickelodeon, but I also thought the entire thing felt like something from the twilight zone. This was before they were big. I didn’t really know who they were and granted, I only went because a girl I liked was going, but it was still odd. First they performed some of their own stuff, like a show. Okay, I’m at a concert. Then halfway through, they make this transition into worship that we are supposed to partake in. First I am being entertained, then I am to switch modes and suddenly worship? It did not happen and the whole thing felt completely not right and even hokey.

Lastly, emotionalism. I honestly believe this is a huge part of why people go to these concerts. It gives them a spiritual “buzz” that makes them feel they are closer to God and love Him more. Or maybe rather, they feel they experience Gods love for them more. (Either case they are being selfish and going not to worship the Lord but because of what they get out of it.) I hate this. I hate emotionalism and how sneaky and false it is. How you can trick yourself into feeling anything. I am not trying to but sexist here, but on an aside, I have noticed it is mainly females that get into these worship concerts. They also tend to be more emotional then men. Coincidence? I also see them have the same response to Dave Crowder as they do to a rock star. The dreamy eyes, the lure of musicians, and they say things like, “Oh I love Shane and Shane?” So wait a minute, it is Shane and Shane you are going to love, that you are going to see, not the Lord. I get it. Simply put, if you can get the same feeling from a U2 or Coldplay concert then maybe you should question what is really going on.

Let me quickly address some protests as well. I think one of the great tragedies of Christian culture (besides the fact it sucks) is that it leaves virtually no room for criticism. Who am I to criticize somebody’s music if they are doing their best to use their gifts for God? If even one person does worship God at one of these shows then how can I have the right to criticize that? The Christian culture may be the absolute safest for an artist to work in because, hey, how can I possibly say something is wrong or bad, even if they are not talented or good, if they do their best for the Lord? I have heard this before. My response is that A. Any public art that wishes to be taken seriously as art has to be open to criticism. B. And if what you say is true, then you can never criticize any Christian culture, not the cheesy Jesus junk at Christian bookstores or Carmen and the stuff he craps out and calls music as well.

What about an artist who does their best for God? Isn’t that worship as well. My friend, Andrew mentioned Petra. Were they not worshiping the Lord? THEY were, I wasn’t. The artist who does his/her best for the Lord is worshiping the Lord with their talents, but they are not LEADING others in worship. Someone there might worship the Lord but that was not the intent of the show. I did not go see Petra to worship the Lord, I went to be entertained nor did I consider their music worship, even though their own efforts, in their relationship with God, were worship on their part. (As an aside, I could argue me writing this is an act of worship, yet you are not worshiping the Lord through this, rather I am, you are just reading it and thinking upon it.)

“What about a Christian conference that you pay money for?” asks my brother Michael. This is a good question. Is paying to see Tom Nelson teach Song of Solomon wrong then? I think not because I think there is a subtle yet significant difference here. When you pay to go to a conference, you are paying to get something out of it. Something you take home with you. Usually materials, notes etc but also education and the fact you are usually equipping yourself to be more effective in ministry or in your walk etc. You are paying, in a sense, for a service you get something in return for. These conferences also don’t have the intense, personal devotion of worship usually. If I pay to go see a conference on multimedia in the church, I am paying for a resource. Worship on the other hand is sacrificial and free. You give of yourself to the Lord and not expect anything in return so I believe the issue is different.

I have no problem with buying a worship CD and listening to it in your daily life. It might help you focus more on the Lord in your private time or be used as a tool to keep your mind free of foreign thoughts. I think buying a CD is different. You are paying for production and musicians etc. I think it’s the concerts, the tours, the expensive tickets, the rock star syndrome, the emotionalism, the hoopla and sideshows I have a problem with.

Lastly, I have one more reason I’m against these shows. It’s the fact that I’m also just plain jealous of musicians.

Well there you go folks, let me know what you think. Comments, thoughts etc.

PS. This entry excludes the original keyboard jockey greats like Al Denson. His was some of the most original, meaningful, praise around! I never was so close to God as when I sang "Pharaoh, Pharaoh". In particular the 573 rd time I sang it at Dawson McAllister, in one weekend, was the most moving experience I ever had.

2006-07-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

Its 1:28 P.M. and I am listening to silence. Now I have an idea for this next entry. I am tempted to convert it into an email format and try and start one of the urban legend type emails. You know, certain Christian emails chains go around about various things we should be aware of. I am really thinking of doing that with this and sending it to you all to send to others and see if it catched on. Let me know what you think.

See You at the Pump!

Christians everywhere are being urged to go to their local gas stations on August 1^st and pray for lower gas prices. With the current price at over three dollars per gallon, believers everywhere are feeling the pinch.

“We are raising prayers up to heaven just as gas prices are being raised here on earth.” Said Rev. Raymond Young 3^rd of Stonewood Fellowship Church in Houston Texas. “It has gotten to the point where many of our congregation can barely fuel their luxury SUV’s. So on the morning of August 1^st we are encouraging Christians everywhere to gather around their local gas pumps and pray that the Lord works in mighty ways to lower prices for everyone.”

The idea was originally started by a high school student in the church’s youth ministry named Jason Mathews, who claims to have gotten the idea while participating in a similar event for students called See You at the Pole, in which students gather around their school flag poles and pray to it. He took the idea to his youth minister, whom the students called Pastor Steve, who then brought the idea to Rev. Young, and soon the movement was started.

“I’m so proud of Jason,” says his mother, Lisa Robertson-Mathews, “we were really struggling as a family. We were praying about which vehicle to drive, the Hummer 2 or the Lexus LX5, now this gives me hope we can do both.”

“Now we really are thanking heaven for 7-11” joked Rev. Young. “After we pray for the gasoline prices to fall, we also encourage people to pray for the Middle Eastern countries that the oil comes from. In fact, many of the workers at the gas stations come from those countries. This would be a great opportunity to show them that we care for their souls as well as their oil.”

When asked about whether or not political decisions and the invasion of Iraq had anything to do with the increased gas prices, Rev. Young was quick to add that, “I don't really know about that but whatever the cause may be, we don’t believe for a minute it has to do with President Bush or his administrations policy’s in the middle east. We stand behind him completely.”

Whatever the case may be, Christians everywhere hope to see you at the pump on the morning of August 1^st.

Later guys.

What the dell?

2006-06-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Greetings and salutations, it is 9:15 and I am listening to smooth jazz of some sorts at Starbucks. Yes, that’s correct, I’m writing to you from Starbucks coffee, which means that yes, I’m now the proud parent of a new Dell Inspiron Laptop. So what does this mean to you, fair citizen of New Prussia? It means, hopefully, that I will be doing more writing, which means that you can read more of my blogs, among other things. So I’m finding that learning to type on a laptop is much more difficult then I thought it would be. Additionally it may give me carpal tunnel syndrome because after about five minutes my wrists already hurt. However now I can be that guy, the guy you always see hanging out at coffee shops, looking cool and trendy with his laptop, typing away at some important document. Is he a businessman negotiating a deal? Maybe an attorney writing a brief? Mayhap, he is a blossoming new writer, on the cusp of discovery and fame and fortune. Who knows as mysteries surround this dashing young man, but whatever the case, dang, doesn’t he look important and cool? And now I get to be that guy. Here is the scenario I can now picture happening. Read as it unfolds.

Handsome and mysterious Jeff walks in and sits down with a cup of coffee and begins to write on his laptop. Soon a hot, dumb, blond chick comes in, orders a nonfat Chai Latte, and sits down near him. She eyes him curiously and thinks to herself “hmm he is awfully dapper and working on a laptop at a coffee shop, surely he must be rich.” She moves over and smiles at me.

Curious, hot, dumb blond: “Hi, I’m ____” (her name isn’t terribly important but it is probably something like Tiffany, or Candi or something hot like that.)

Handsome writer Jeff: “Hello, I’m R. Jefferson Jordan.”

Curious, hot, dumb blond: “What are you working on?” She says as she bats her eyes and leans in close. (She hopes it’s a bank merger worth millions but she doesn’t really care as long as it makes me/her wealthy.)

Handsome writer Jeff: “Well, it’s a story about the selling of human heads as a novelty item, but really it’s a satire about post world war two America and the mass commercialism it produced to help cope with it’s fear of a nuclear Soviet Union and it’s possession of the A-bomb. (Or perhaps I say, “It is a sci-fi story set on planet mars about a werewolf coming to grips with his homosexuality but in actuality it’s really a metaphor for the fall of the Antebellum south and life during the civil war and subsequent Union occupation.”}

Now completely bored and disinterested hot, dumb blond: “Um, ok, nice to meet you. Bye!” She says in a complete lack of comprehension of everything I said. She then rolls her eyes and struts away.

Suddenly the pretty, artistic girl dressed in Bohemian garb and a stylish peasant shirt who, I failed to notice due to hot, dumb blond, but was sitting in the corner reading a collection of essays or possibly Atlas Shrugged looks over at me and speaks.

Pretty Bohemian girl: “Really! That is incredibly fascinating! I love post world war two satire. Tell me more. Do you write much?”

Handsome and shocked writer Jeff: “Well I do now.”

Pretty Bohemian girl laughs at my witty remark: “Hi, my name is Sabine.” (Or some other cool name like that.)

We start with small talk and as the coffee starts flowing so does the conversation. We chat lightly about existentialism, discuss the viability of ruling parts of central Europe, stopping briefly upon art and if it can have meaning in a post-modern era, and diverge into other meaningful dialogues. We exchange numbers, go out and spend the next few years together. Maybe we move to New York or maybe we travel to Bohemia and tour other parts of central Europe (as I show her my future domain.)

All during this time I continue to write, become published and get very rich and famous. I begin to move in the upper echelon of high society, mixing and mingling (you knew mingling had to be included) with actors and writers, diplomats and royalty.

Then one day at some random gala event, I look across the room and see her. Hot dumb blond all dolled up and on the prowl. She notices me and walks over. She smiles and introduces herself. She feigns both interest and understanding as we chat. Soon we exchange contact information and depart. That night I dump pretty Bohemian girl for hot dumb blond and the rest is history.

Well that is more or less the scenario that I envision and I think it is a good one.

What’s in a name? Well having a laptop means I need to come up with a name for it. So I’m asking for suggestions. I have two lines of thought here. First of all, the name must be female because all guys name machines after females, (i.e. The Memphis Belle or the Indianapolis Ho) so a female name is defintaly in order. Here are some names I thought of.

Natasha- The old fallback name.

Sabine- In honor of the Bohemian I will some day dump.

Danika- I like this name but I actually new a girl with this name and I would hate for her to hear this someday and think I named it after her.

Isabelle- This leads to another name as well.

Coraline- I stole this from a Neil Gaiman title.

Adaline- I like this name to, it’s also the title of a Elliot Smith song.

Ok. that’s the first list. The second list stems from the fact that my laptop is a Dell, and involves puns made from it. I nominate these names as well.

Adel - get it? A dell.

Isadell- This is kind of funny because it’s a take on Isabelle ...Is A Dell

Adelline- This is funny to because it’s a take on Adeline. A dell-ine.

Madeline - Mad-dell-line- and possibly in honor of my friend Brian’s daughter, which would be weird.

Della- A take off of Ella- also another friend of mine's daughter, which could also be weird.

I’m leaning towards Isadell. Who knew that female names with Dell could be so much fun?

There is one more thing to discuss. In my last entry, so long ago, I mentioned astronauts as hero’s and Kelly said she never thought of them as such. To girls they probably weren’t but to little boys they have always been held up as heroes, even though I contend they now aren’t. Worst of all, Rhino suggested that, by my logic, athletes aren’t hero’s either. I fail to see this. Granted, they don’t have mutant powers or slay orcs, but that doesn’t mean they are not heroes. In fact, they may be the only hero’s we have left. Think about it, they are the modern day equivalent of ancient warriors. They perform great feats of physical prowess, doing what very few can do. Slinging stones? Wielding a sword? Fighting in hand-to-hand combat? There were all skills based on physical ability. Modern athletes are a continuation of this theme. They battle against each other in arena’s and the have tremendous athletic ability. What is more glorious then making a clutch buzzer beating, game wining three point shot from 23 ft away to win a play off game? What could beat a running back, twisting and turning, juking and hurtling over defenders, to score a touch down to defeat the enemy and win a super bowl? What about the Olympics? See they ARE great.

Until next time, keep your underwear on and keep it dry.

Heroes Come and Go

2006-05-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

It is 5:30 P.M. and I am listening to Elliot Smith.

Here is an issue that has haunted me recently. Are astronauts heroes? The other day I was thinking upon heroes and what goes into the idea of being one. Why I do not know but I was. I then thought about astronauts and how everyone regards them as such. I wondered if they really were heroes and after much mental anguish I decided that they are definitely not heroes. Not anymore anyways. I mean think about it, we send people into space every other Friday, its' like payday. Is this really heroic anymore? Now the original men in space, the pioneers, and the chimp we sent up, they were certainly heroic. They risked themselves in unexplored regions with relying on equipment that my pocket calculator is more powerful then. The men on the moon, they were certainly hero’s as well. But modern astronauts? They are everywhere, they visit schools, are on TV, you can’t get away from them. That being said, the men and women who died in the two shuttle explosions would be exceptions and I mean them no ill will, but as for the rest? I think they're just trying to use their status to get laid. I mean heroes vanquish evil, they cast powerful rings into the only mountain that can destroy them, or they have claws that come out of their wrists and other mutant powers. Or sometimes they storm the beaches at Normandy as well. Astronauts don’t even wear capes.

Think about it this way. Who views astronauts as heroes? Children. Do their opinions really count? I mean children view Jedi, (or in my case the Sith) Cowboys, and Pirates as hero’s too. But when you get older, are they still heroes? Who cares about cowboys? Around here we make fun of them. So why are astronauts still considered so great? And for the final nail in the coffin consider this. Not only has the United States sent men into space but so have the Soviet Union, the European Space Agency and China. You’re telling me the technologically stone aged Soviet Union and the cowardly France have sent men into space and we still consider it great and courageous? That alone proves the feat is over rated and as for the French, the probably went into space to escape another foreign invasion. So I rest my case, astronauts are no longer hero’s. Sorry about that.

And now it’s time for another addition of,

Great Moments in OCD History: So I am working the closing shift at work, we are running behind due to a last minute rush of people but we finally close. Then the dreaded words that strike fear into my inner core are issued. “Hey Jeff, could you clean the bathrooms? And try and hurry because we are behind schedule.” Something inside of me vomits black bile into the chasm of my soul. None the less, I had cleaned them before and in theory, the more I do it the easier it is supposed to get. (A form of exposure therapy, albeit extreme.) So I smile and lie, “Sure no problem.” And I grind my teeth and set out upon my fate.

It should be duly noted that in order to properly clean the restrooms while not setting off OCD to much, it requires time to carefully do so. I did not have time and was trying to hurry and overcome all this anxiety. I spray junk on the toilet and scrub it with the brush, up and down a few times. Then on the up motion, that is when it happened. I have dubbed it the toothbrush affect, the wet bristles being pulled against something and splattering out on things nearby. Only the nearby object it splattered on was my face. Time froze, an atomic bomb went off in my stomach, I got hot and panicky. What was I to do? Scrubbed toilet water on my face!?!? The boy with OCD! I cannot possibly begin to describe the horror it caused. I was almost paralyzed. To make matters worse, we were trying to hurry so I didn’t get to stop and wash it off an appropriate matter for at least twenty minutes. It was a nightmare. Later I poured sanitizer on my face, wiped down with alcohol swabs and took a shower. I would have scrubbed my face with comet and bleach if I didn’t think it would blind me. I even considered shaving my goatee, since some of the water hit it. That was a few days ago and I am still waiting for the Aids, or Hepatitis A, B and C to set in.

Well, see you later.

Dream On.

2006-04-18T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hello all. I hope the reading of this blog finds you well. It is 2:22 A.M and I am listening to nothing but the quiet stillness of the night. I want to tell you about a dream I had the other night. It was odd. I dreamt that my brother and I were trying to get on TV as hosts for MTV’s coverage of the NFL draft. Of course MTV doesn’t cover the draft so that makes the tale even weirder. We weren’t doing a very good job impressing them but somehow we were able to worm our way on TV. There was the usual pre-draft rumors and analysis and discussed all these things. The Miami Dolphins had somehow gotten the first pick in the draft (in reality it is Houston.) and were soon going to make their selection. Most people predicted Reggie Bush or Vince Young, no one was sure of which one though. Then the Dolphins walked up to the podium, the room hushed, they gave the commissioner their slip of paper. He opened it, read and cleared his throat. He leaned into his microphone and said “With the first overall pick of this years’ draft, the Miami Dolphins select Will Smith.”

We were all amazed as Will Smith came out and put on a Dolphins jersey. Apparently, not only can he get jiggy with it, but he also makes one hell of a quarterback. I woke up shortly after that. I did not want to stick around to see if the Cowboys selected Mark Walberg or Eminem.

Immigration Protests Result in Largest Illegal Alien Bust

Last weekend thousands upon thousands of Latinos took to the streets to protest immigration reform in the Untied States and thousands upon thousands of them were arrested for illegal immigration. It was the single largest bust law enforcement agencies have ever made. “Well, we saw all these protesters and realized many of them were probably here illegally. It was as easy as shooting ducks in a barrel really,” says Dallas police officer Brad Hinckley. “We couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity.”

The idea has taken root in other areas as well. “We would like to encourage everyone to come out to next months’ drug dealer rally as well. It should be fun for all.” He added. Protests for sex offenders and terrorists are also planned in the coming months.

Well that’s all for now folks. See you later.

Two Deaths and Would You Like that Decaf?

2006-03-25T17:42:00.000-08:00

Greetings everyone, it is 7:00 P.M. and I am listening to KT Tunstall. Much has happened in my “life” the last week or so. Well not much really, mainly I got a job. Now I know you are dying to find out where, so I won’t hold back, I’m now a proud Barista of the fabled Starbucks company. I work at the Casa Linda location at Buckner and Garland Road. For those of you who know me you know I love the independent artistic coffee shops the most, but there aren’t any of those around here so I am at the SB. Anyways, it isn’t a bad job, not yet, and Starbucks hooks their employees up, also we wear green aprons and green as we all know, is my power color so it is kind of cool. In response to David’s posting, I have often thought of a website but I don’t content wise if I have enough stuff yet. I am taking a multimedia class and we are getting into HTML and web design so I might end up doing one soon.

Nipped in the Bud- Well there was another death in New Prussia. I must admit it has been a few months since we have had one and I was beginning to feel safe in the land of the living only to have the dark wings of death come and swoop it all away. This death happened a couple weeks ago but since I am so far behind in my blogging (as always) I will post it anyways. This outstanding rerun hero lived in the iconoclast town of Mayberry. This show was huge and loved by all and came to represent all that America was. Of course I am talking about Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith show. That’s right. Don Knotts passed into the great beyond and I can just now bring myself to talk about it. His nervous energy and weird antics were a childhood inspiration. I even had a shirt with him on it at one point. Not only the Andy Griffith show though, but who could forget the movies? I mean who could forget the Apple Dumpling Gang or The Incredible Mr. Limpit? Anyways, here’s to you, Don, nip it in the bud.

God tired of waiting on U.N.

The Hague, Netherlands- In what can only be described as an act of divine judgment former Serbian ruler Slobodan Milosevic was found dead in his prison cell with only fifty hours of testifying left in his trial. The news sent a wave of shock and suspicion throughout Europe. Milosevic had been in prison since the late 1990’s and had been on trial for four years. Many suspected foul play or revenge and an investigation began. That was until a celestial being cleared up the matter.

Gabriel, archangel and spokesman for God the Almighty, held a press release in which he stated, “The U.N. has had their chance to bring justice to this matter. The trial has taken four years and God was tired of waiting on your petty human institutions. He, the Almighty, decided to bring justice to all the thousands of innocent Croatians that were butchered by Milosevic.” He went on to add that the cries for justice from the graves of thousands of innocent dead were so loud that something simply had to be done. “No one in heaven could enjoy a peaceful eternity with all that ruckus.” He also added.

It is true that the U.N. had come under much fire for it slow and time consuming process of litigation. Milosevic had been in prison for several years before the trial even began, and it has gone on four years since then. To many it appeared a mockery of justice.

The U.N. was in shock at the pronouncement and tried to subpoena God to see if this was true. God merely refused to be subpoenaed and it is feared many earthquakes will result from the presumptuous attempt.

“If this is true, that God brought this death it could constitute a serious undermining of human will.” Stated U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, who is also under a cloud of suspicion for taking bribes. “We believe in justice and fairness in our world that no one has the right to interfere with.”

Gabriel rebutted saying “For all the talk of human rights and justice, the U.N. system is sure slow in bringing it about. We in heaven are just glad these aren’t the same guys who handled Nuremberg.”

Well , thats about it for now folks. Catch ya later.

Let the Games Begin......and End Quickly Please.

2006-02-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

It is 7.00 P.M. 26 Feb, 2006 and I am listening to Badly Drawn Boy. I appreciate your musical comments. David made extremely good points with his rock album suggestions (especially Metallica in my opinion) and I agree with Poop's assessment with U2. While I did not think their last album was great, I merely meant they are still cooler then ever.

Well the Olympics have come and gone and I was tired of them before they began. I was certainly tired of hearing about Bode Miller, before he decided to suck. The U.S. Olympic team had been a huge disappointment this year. With the apathy if Bode Miller, the choke job of Sasha Cohen, the even bigger choke of the hockey team, the foolish arrogance of Lindsey Jacobson-ellis (or whatever her name is) and the civil war that erupted on the speed skate team, it has been a pretty sorry showing for the good 'ole U.S.A. It's just as well I don't really care about the games anymore. That being said, let's make fun of them.

IOC Announces Rioting as New Event.

Torino, Italy – In a press conference yesterday members of the International Olympic Committee, as well as the current committee president Jacques Rogge, made an announcement that rioting will now be added as event and hopes to see the sport appear when the next winter Olympics are held in four years.

Rogge cited the summer riots in France as well as the recent riots, caused by a Danish cartoon, as the inspiration for this measure.

“Throughout the history of the world riots have always been an integral part of any civilized societies political life. As a boy I can remember reading of the riots in France before the revolution broke out, and I recall whishing I could have participated in them. As I look around the world today, I realize the sport is still alive and well.”

The new event will have a five member panel of judges, often members of opposing factions, such as Israel’s and Arabs or Jews and Muslims. The scoring will be based on several factors but includes how much damage is done measured in monetary amounts, the number of cars burned, the fever pitch the crowd of the crowd and even the artistic element of creative flag burning will be considered.

“As of now there at two events that will be held. The short protest, which last one hour, and is of smaller scale, and the full scale uprising, which will last three hours and involve interaction with police in riot gear.”

The latter event will stress the athletes training and endurance as they are forced to overcome the use of tear gas as well as overcoming obstacles such as road blocks and armored cars.

When questioned about these events being held in the winter Olympics Rogge responded, “We just saw a round of riots all across the Middle East so clearer rioting can take place in the winter. Not only that but we really wanted to create a sport that would give many Middle Eastern countries a good chance at winning a winter medal. Right now they just don’t have much of a chance. I personally can’t wait to see how well Iran performs and of course the Palestinians could well score on the level of an insurgency.”

Other committee members went on to add that Syria, Lebanon and Indonesia are strong contenders but that one should never count out the resourcefulness of the United States, especially in areas like Compton. Latin America was also named as a strong possible winner. Whatever the case may be, the new event is sure to be exciting.

News briefs:

President Bush threatens to invade opponents. Citing his controversial foreign policy President Bush announced that defeating the U.S. in any event (except curling) can and will be considered a direct attack on America itself and therefore the offending nation is now open to invasion, especially if they produce oil. He then went on to add that, "while they are gathered together in Italy, it would be a perfect opportunity to take them all out."

Condoleezza Rice suggests FEMA aid to Italy. Last Thursday the Secretary of State said that she thought FEMA should be deployed to Torino to help clean up the disaster that this years U.S. team has created.

Area Preacher Likens TV Coverage to God's Wrath. The Rev. Bill Sickes of First Baptist Church of Jackson, Mississippi is tired the sappy NBC coverage. He likens it to being worse then God's wrath. In a sermon last Sunday he stated that "I would rather have all seven bowls of wrath poured upon me at once then have to sit through one more cheesy, sentimental, human interest story. If Bob Costas tells me one more time how dramatic the games are or what kind of sentiment I should have for a specific moment then I hope God, in His infinite mercy, opens all seven seals at once and allows me to bear the brunt of them all.”

Well that's about all for now folks. I miss football already.

Been a Long Time Since I Rock 'n Rolled...

2006-02-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

Greetings. Well some of you expressed concern after my last two sentence entry. I appreciate it but I will not go into detail. Let's just say my goal this spring is to get my mind back and it is a very daunting task. Some things need to be dealt with mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I don't think people really understand the toll it can take on people. Some demons needs to be slain, and I am not talking about Dungeon and Dragons here folks. But that is TMI and while this is a journal of sorts, it's also as much as I am willing to say right now. However, yes Kelly, there are things worse then trying to pick up Michael Moore. Listening to him is worse and watching one of his propaganda films is definitely worse.

I have been listening to Led Zeppelin's album Led Zeppelin, also called Led Zeppelin 4 among the true fans. I have some good Led Zepplin trivia for you but I will save it for another entry. This is a phenomenal album. Every now and then I just want to say screw all the angst ridden, please-kill-me-now emo crap, I just want some guitar jamming, drum smashing good ole' fashioned F#$@ing rock 'n roll! Is that to much to ask for? (Please forgive my pretend bad language mom and dad.)

Ok seriously, this has to be one of the top five rock albums of all times. Every song but one or two was a hit. It has Black Dog, Been a Long Time Since I Rock 'n Rolled, Misty Mountain Hop, Going to California, Stairway to Heaven and When the Levee Breaks on it. Can anybody think of a better rock album? Now remember, we are talking pure rock here, not better albums as whole. Certainly Sgt Pepper or Pet Sounds may be better, but they aren't really rock. Somebody suggested Exile on Main Street , by the Rolling Stones. I know it is considered one of the best albums ever but alas, I have not listened to much of it. Maybe Tommy by the Who? (or of course Deliverance) Please discuss amongst yourselves. Some of you might suggest Kiss or some one else from the 70's, but I don't dig kiss. There is one option that stands out. U2- Joshua Tree, is this considered a rock album? Which brings us to my next topic.

The Grammys-

The Grammys were on the other night and I watched part of it. Unlike, the Oscar's, I actually kind of like the Grammys. For one, they can actually put together a good music act, unlike the Oscar's who do lame things like a musical montage of Pulp Fiction and Evita, performed by Paul Anka, Neil Young and the Vienna Boys Choir. The Grammys have the ability to be witty and clever but also edgy at times as well. The can hire Dave Chappelle and not have complaints unlike the stuffy, pretentious Oscar's which has Sean Penn getting mad at Chris Rock. No the Grammys aren't too bad, and once again U2 raked it in.

U2 is performing at a new level all together. Not only are they at the top of their game, but they have created an entire new sport. Seriously, is there anybody bigger then them right now? Is their anybody cooler then them? Not the Stones, not even Coldplay. Did you see them accept the Grammy for best song? They didn't get excited, or energetic or anything, they just got up, strolled up to the stage and took their award, all with a look that said -"yeah, that's right, we just won another Grammy and we'll be back up here later tonight. Oh, and if we feel like it we'll do it again next year." I love them.

"See how cool they are?"

On another note. Did anybody see the story that came out last week about how in 2002 the U.S. Government thwarted a terrorist attack in Las Angelas? Apparently it was another attempt to crash a plane into a building and they found out about it and stopped it. It was in L.A. so I think we all know who was really at work here.

That's right, it looks like Jack Baur was at it again.

Well that is about all for now. Peace out Napoleon.

Demon Slaying

2006-02-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not ready to face the battles that lie ahead.
How could I ever be?

The Sith and I, Spiritual Insights from Star Wars.

2006-01-23T17:40:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Monday 23 January, 2006 and all is quiet on the front. It is strange how I resolved to blog more and on the 3rd I had an entry and I look up and it's 20 days later. My apologies. If you're wondering what's new in my life I am sick with a cold. I hate being sick, except when it lets me off work, but I should be better soon.
I am now completely moved out of Denton and back in with Ma and Pa. Many people ask me how it is. To you I would have to say that 1.) Life just got a lot slower and 2.) The food just got a heck of a lot better. I hear people often say they couldn't move back in with their parents after being on there own so long. That their parents' authority and what knot would bother them. For me it is not an issue. My parents are cool about letting me do my own thing, they always have been. It's not like I'm 15 and they are going to put a curfew or something on me. Anyways, it is good to spend time with the folks and be closer to the nursing home for my grandmother. Was it the best decision? I guess. It's where I am so I guess it's where I'm supposed to be, right? I do miss my cat though.

The Sith and I:
By now you are probably incredibly curious as to the title of this entry and I shall delay explanation no longer. The other day I was thinking about how cool it would be if we had some sort of Force like powers in Star Wars. Then I realized that if we did have these kinds of powers I would undoubtedly be a Sith Lord.
Now for those of you who know me, I am sure this comes as no surprise. You are probably thinking to yourself, "Well duh, it's about time he realized that." This holds especially true for my friends in Memphis. Yes this is true, but I have discovered it from a new angle. Let me explain.
To sum it up in two words: total depravity. Yes, the idea that man in and of himself can do nothing pleasing to God or know Him. I was thinking about my own inability to overcome sin, my own appetites, my own dark desires and how much of a struggle they are. I know from my own personal experience that man cannot overcome these things on his own. I realized that if it were left up to me I would fall every time. Not only fall every time, but I woul look for and create ways to fall.
The Light side teaches balance through self-discipline and self denial. This is impossible for me. I would give in to my own lusts, selfishness, hatred, jealousy, arrogance and every other sin I might struggle with every time. There is no way to balance these things or overcome them on my own. I would have been a Sith Lord by junior high. That's right, Darth Jefferson, sitting in his class room, getting ready to force choke the bullies who picked on me and then zap the jocks with lightning. I know Darth Jefferson isn't as sexy as Vader or Sidious but it's the truth all the same.
I think maybe the biggest lie in the Star Wars philosophy isn't the Pantheistic, New Age, mystical spirituality that is easy to see through. I think that maybe it is the idea that man can balance his walk through life on his own. That he can be good all by himself. It is quite obvious to me that I need somebody from the outside to reach in and save me. Fortunately as a Christian I have just that. Now if I could just get that light saber.

Well guys, that's one for the road. Catch you later.

On the Road Again.

2006-01-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

Its 10:52 on Tuesday and I have been listening to Coldplay's X & Y. You're in luck tonight because I am blogging once more. That's twice in two weeks and the pleasure is all mine. I have recently been visited by one of my old friends. I like to call him Dezy but you might know him by his more formal name; Despair. Yes, it's that old sinking feeling that I have absolutely no ability to live this life in any capacity at all. Am I making right decisions? Why don't I have more peace about things? Why aren't my student loans consolidated when they are supposed to be? Is this life really worth living and is God really enough to get me through it? Will Bill Parcell's continue to coach the Cowboys and who will keep my cat when I move? Seriously though, everything seems so impossible. Oh, let's not forget depression and OCD. I want my mind back please.
I'm moving back home for the spring, back in with my parents, to try and save money. I think it's the best thing to do. After much prayer and consideration I still have no good answer except that I'm slowly gaining some peace about. It took at least a month though. I'm also taking a class on multimedia at community college. I'm not thrilled at the prospect of more school when I just spent six years trying to get out but oh well, maybe it will okay. This is just a rant I suppose, so let's have some fun now.

You may have seen all of this bowl games going on. There are around 30 some odd bowl games and they all have corporate sponsors which leaves me an open invitation to add to the list. Here are some lesser known sponsors or in some cases, lesser known games.

-The ACLU Liberty Bowl.
-The Scurvy Citrus Bowl.
-The Wolf Brand Chili Bowl - avoid the bathrooms here.
-The Zoloft Bowl- Free samples at the door.
-The United Nations Bowl - The U.S. will not participate in this one.
-The New Orleans bowl has been renamed the FEMA Bowl.
-The Insurgency Bowl- Featuring Army vs. Navy and held in Baghdad.
-The Insight Bowl will be followed by the Oblivious Bowl.
-The ERA Glass Ceiling Bowl- in protest of all male teams.
-In an exercise of its own namesake, the Independence Bowl has decided that it will not be held this year.
- And yes, I will go there because it is so obvious, the Pine-Sol Toilet Bowl.

I was trying to think of one for the Southern Baptist Convention and the 7 bowls of wrath bowl but I couldn't quite get it right.

If you haven't seen the list, it's crazy, these are all real games.
-The Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl
-Continental Tire Bowl
-Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
-EV1.net Houston Bowl
-Silicon Valley Bowl

The list goes on but as you can see, the system is a little out of hand. Anyways, feel free to add your own, I would be disappointed if you didn't. Good night.

Merry Christmas All

2005-12-26T17:59:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone, it is 8:00 P.M and I have been listening to Ray LaMontagne. This year I will make a New Year's resolution to blog more. I have little intention of keeping it but I will none the less resolve to try.
On my last post the question of how do we celebrate the holidays in New Prussia? This is an excellent question. While the holidays in New Prussia have yet to be fully defined, several traditions have so far emerged. One, much ale and mead are drunk up by the populace. Good, thick Prussian ale, stolen from Belgium. Two, there is no Father Christmas in Prussia, there is however, somebody much better and much more loved by all. A being so great and majestic and so revered and benevolent it is hard to even imagine. I speak of course of Papa Czar. He has a big Russian hat and rides a war horse instead and wears a cloak. On Christmas Eve he goes around and rewards all good Prussian children with swords, muskets, bayonets, shields, armor and other neat weapons to help them take part in their great Prussian heritage. Which leads us to tradition three, the Yule Time Conquest, where everyone gathers along the border of France, hurls insults at them, and then we recreate the many conquests we have had over them. Afterwards we return home to more Ale. This sounds like a fine holiday to me and one any good citizen of Prussia would enjoy.

And Now...

More Great Moments in OCD History:
1. I was at the nursing home Christmas party a few days ago when this peculiar festive obsession occurred. They were serving punch out of a bowl with a large dipper. (Or is that ladle?) Anyways, I noticed the guy pouring punch out missed the cup and poured it all over his hand. This would have been okay except the fact his hand was over the punch bowl and it all trickled down over his fingers and back into the punch bowl. This guy was the program director and was setting up tables and chairs and shaking hands with people earlier as well. Needless to say this turned the punch into a seething stew of virulent infections. A moment later my Dad asks me if I wanted punch. Despite all odds I went ahead and said yes. Anxiety set in but I had just eaten and needed a drink so I decided to just ignore it. Anxiety set in immediatly as my dad brought back the festering cup of plague and set it before me. I swallowed hard, picked it up and drank it down. I'm waiting for the toxicology report to come back and tell me how many diseases I have.

2. This is something I think it hilarious and tragic and all rolled up together. As some of you know, I was working at Sears for a little while. Well, what you may not know was that it was in the vacuum department. Now people with OCD often have a thing about floors and dirt and germs. Think of all the junk on floors, all the dirty shoes walking across it, all the bugs and in our case mice, around. Think of all the nasty junk collected in vacuums and here I am, OCD boy being asked to demo and sale Vacuums! This included pouring dirt out, vacuuming it up, picking stuff out of the beater bar when it jammed (GROSS!) and unclogging vacuums brought back in (Equally as Gross). Every day after work I would scrub my hands down like a surgeon. Needless to say it was a trying experience but oh, the irony of it all! I'm surprised I made it as long as I did.

Well everyone, that's about all I have for now. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. Screw Kwanza

P.S. Here is a picture of Papa Czar.

2005-11-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

Hello all, it is 8:30 P.M and I am listening to the Redwalls. For those of you free wheeling, 60's loving, blues music you should listen to them. You would dig them, they have a great groove. The do sound like Bob Dylan only none of them are over 22 and they are from Chicago, and it isn't cool that kids that young can be so cool.

Tales of Woe from History:
Here is a sad story. You probably have all heard of Black Monday. The tragic day of 28 October, 1929, when the world economic systems failed and the Great Depression hit America. Well, little did you know there was yet another Black Monday that also caused a second Great Depression. That's right folks, last Monday, the 28 November 2005 is yet another day that will live in infamy. For you see it was this day, this horrific and most terrible of days, that I, R. Jefferson Jordan and self proclaimed Czar of New Prussia, turned 30! From hence forth it will forever be known as Black Monday as well. Weep not for me, I shall survive. I just spent the day drunk, curled up in a little ball on the floor of my room mourning the loss of my youth. My roommates would occasionally open the door and throw cold water on me just to make sure I was alive. It is a weird thing to turn 30. They say it is the new 20, only a twenty that gives you more trouble in the bathroom. (see blog entry, These Old Bones, for more details.)
I look back over the last decade and don't know what to think. I seem to see more failures then successes but that is usually the way I see things. In all, honesty I am not sure how to judge the last ten years. I guess it is like any other part of life. In some way it exceeds all expectations and in others it is a total buzz kill. (Especially in the area of my lack of romances.) To be honest, it doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore. I'm just glad that I didn't get roasted like my poor friend the Rhino did when he turned 30.

Speaking of Days of Infamy: Today was December 7th, the day Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese 64 years ago. I have lot's of thoughts on the issue but I can't voice the majority of them because they are probably not to P.C. I suppose we got them back in the end. Some people wonder if the dropping of the A-Bomb was really the right thing to do. Those people are morons because, trust me here, most military and history buffs tend to agree it was. Pearl Harbor also started the U.S. involvement in a war that would later produce some of my favourite childhood movies. Oh and it also gave rise to one very crappy movie with Ben Affleck.

Stories From Sears:
What Lies Beneath: I have two stories from working in the mall I would like to share. One, I was walking through the mall the other day and I saw a middle eastern lady shopping. She had the full outfit on. The long robes, the head covering, the scarf thing around her neck, you get the idea. You could only see her hands and face. I tell you all of this because, get this, she was shopping in Victoria's Secret. Go figure. I guess what lies beneath the veil is another story altogether.

The accidental Applauding of Mormonism: The second tale is that there was this guy names Caesar who I really liked. He was a really, really nice, funny guy and very thoughtful and smart. I always enjoyed talking to him at work. Well, I hoped he was a Christian and I asked him one day what his beliefs were. He responded, "Oh, I am a Christian." I said "Alright!" and made a little fist pump action. Then he follows up with, "Yeah I go to the church of Latter Day Saints." All my joy immediately came crashing down around me and I could not think of any viable way out of the situation. I mean, seriously, what could I do from there. Just imagine my dismay. All I could really do is mutter something like, "Oh really, that's interesting." And then turn and stalk of with my tail between my legs as I went to apologize to the Lord for accidentally committing blasphemy and approving of Mormonism.

Well that's it for now folks, stay tuned for next entry with more great moments in OCD History.

Fusion Update

2005-11-13T23:12:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday night, France is burning and I am listening to Travis. You will have to excuse me, I have been sick the last three or four days and haven't felt like doing anything. It's some kind of sinus infection or something like that. It may even be Malaria or Scarlet Fever or even Scurvy.

As my prior post indicated, last weekend I attended the Fusion conference in the DFW area. It was awesome. The whole point of the conference was to encourage singles to do something with their lives. It also was geared to helping you find out what that might be and putting you in contact with people who can help you down that path. The speakers were tremendous and dead on target and for you Caedmon's fans they led the praise and worship. At one point they asked us to write down if we could do anything, regardless or time and money, what would it be? I put be a writer or possibly a late night talk show host. I wanted to put down be a dictator as well but decided that was to unbiblical and just plain silly to boot.
Margaret Feinberg spoke as well. She was a liberal arts major who had no clue what to do with life until she discovered writing. Anyways, I was highly encouraged by her story. I think there are two things I got out of the conference.

1. I believe I am called to write. This may sound like a gimme but it is something I have really wrestled with. I mean that it sounds so pie in the sky, like a kid who says he wants to be an astronaut, so it has really been a challenge for me to embrace the idea. Perhaps the truth of the matter is that it has been a challenge to embrace the idea God would be good enough to call me to something so cool. I always have struggled with accepting His goodness. Anyways, after the conference, I am sure of the call to writing and I have a great joy and peace about it. I have no idea where it will take me or what form it will take. I could be published someday or I may end up just blogging. It could be short stories or novels or articles, and it may take two years or ten, I really do not know but I aim to find out.

2. I am open to the idea of missions. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I love to glorify God and serve in churches and I would love to live overseas, so why not do both? Now, I am not saying I feel called to do this, but what I am saying is I'm very open to the idea of doing so and I think I should explore it some more. That alone is a miracle seeing as how in the past I would dig my heals into the dirt at the very thought of missions or ministry. Anyways, I will explore that path as it seems best through prayer.

And now for the moment you have all been waiting for: the start of a new segment, Great Moments in OCD History. Yes folks that's right, OCD is here and it has left its mark in time and space. This segment is compromised of many tales of obsession. It could be something historical that contributed to or took away from OCD (such as the discovery of anti-depressants), it could be something that happened to me personally or even something I read or heard about. It is wide open to interpretation but it's all good as well. So without further ado, and I don't know how the bang can live up to the hype, I give you:

Great Moments in OCD History:

1. The mission trip: The names have been changed to protect the innocent in this first story. My friends, Ronnie and Jenny Mavis, as well as several other people I know, went on a mission trip to Morocco this summer. While there they went into to minister to the Berber tribes. They are the native tribes who still live the rural life in the wild desert mountains of North Africa. The restroom facilities pretty much consisted of a hole in the ground in a little shack. Hand washing equipment was non-existent. So what do they do for sanitation? I will tell you. Whenever somebody has to go, they use their left hand (or maybe it's the right) for bathroom purposes. This is important because at dinner the use a community bowl that everyone dips out of. For dinner they all use the OTHER hand to eat with and dip into the bowl. This would drive anyone with OCD crazy, just the mere presence of unwashed hands around a dinner table would be enough to make me insane. Add that to the community bowl and I think I would lose it. Consequently my fears would have been justified because all but two people on the trip got very sick from the bowl passing. I mean sick in the, you don't want to be sick in the desert without clean bathrooms, kind of sick. So my fears were doubly rationalized. This is truly a great moment in OCD history and also shows why, if I am called to missions, then it is to somewhere posh and civilized, like Western Europe.

2. The office. This is a true tail of an event that happened to me a few days ago and I decided it had to make the list. I went to an office for a visit. On the way in I decided to go to the restroom. I find said location and see a sign that says, "Doors are kept locked, get keys from secretary." Great, that's a recipe for disease, I thought. Taking keys in and out of restrooms is just not a good idea. So I suck it up and do it. In the process I drop the keys on the bathroom floor. Now the bathroom floor of a men's room is not at all like that of a women's room. It is a thing to be avoided at all costs. It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. So that made things worse. Then after delicately picking the keys up, I wash my hands, turn to dry them, only to realize that there were no paper towels, only an air dryer! So I dry my hands but I notice that the door is locked and has a knob, and I have no paper towels to open them with. So I think I used my shirt tail, mediocre at best, and walk out with the dirty keys in my hand, wondering just where I could wash myself clean again and how long it would be. The real kicker is the office was a doctor's office! They know better! How could they? Then again it could be brilliant. In house therapy and the spread of Typhoid and other diseases would keep patients coming back over and over again with the sickness's they got from the badly designed restrooms. Go figure.

Well that's it for now folks. I hope you enjoyed the new segment. Faith, as for foot washing I am juxtapositionally opposed to the Christian tradition of foot washing ceremonies. Then again, I try to keep my feet clothed in socks most of the time anyways. More to come.

By the way, does anyone think this trouble in France is merely an accident? On no my friends, Prussian agents have been working at this for sometime and now the undermining of the European Union's infrastructure is well under way. Muahahahhah.

In closing I will leave you with a couple of pictures of me and the pumpkin I carved for Halloween. Like father like son I suppose. Later.

This Just In

2005-11-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

I just went to the Fusion Conference at Irving Bible this week. It was awesome. Really it was just what I needed to hear on so many levels. I will wright more on it soon, but I am tired right now. I met Margaret Feinberg as well, who spoke on writing, which was really encouraging because her story seems simliar to mine in alot of ways. She also reads my friend, Nicole's blog, which is pretty cool as well. Perhaps you would like to read something from the past for now? I recommend A Mighty Wind Doth Bloweth or maybe Czar and Away Vol 1 or 2.
I will, however, tease a new segment I have created for New Prussia that shall appear in my next entry. Picture, if you will, in bold font, (Drum roll please...).......Great Moments In OCD History.
To Be Continued.

A Little Bit of Social Satire

2005-10-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Well, perhaps updating my blog once a week was a little ambitious on my part. I seemed to have underestimated the level of my own laziness. Once a month seems much more viable. As to those of you interested in my life I am still trying to figure out what to do or where to go. I feel I'm supposed to be just waiting for something but as to what I have no clue. It is currently 8:30 P.M on Wednesday night and I am listening to Sufjan Stevens.

Now that Hurricane Katrina had a little distance let's look at it some more. Here are some real fake articles I made up.

Rich White People Hit By Hurricane As Well! -New York Times
Associated Press- New Orleans, LA. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina comes a surprising shock. News reel highlights and photojournalists everywhere captured hundreds of images of the poor, inner city filled with destruction and chaos. Amid that destruction another important fact went unnoticed until recently. In the uptown affluent area known as Audubon Park, old antebellum mansions have sustained serious damage. Porches have fallen over and swimming pools are filled with mud and waste. Hot tubs have been destroyed and private gardens and gazebos have ceased to exist.
"I never thought that a Hurricane would hit us as well. I thought being rich and white, as well as protestant, would protect us from the storm. Now I just don't know what to do." Quotes Nathaniel Beauregard, a sugar refinery owner. "I mean look at this place. My SUV is flooded and useless now. The golf course at the country club is a quagmire. Where will I go to smoke cigars and meet good ole' boys now?"
"I doubt our Southern way of life has been this disrupted since the Civil War," adds his wife, Mirabelle Beauregard. "I thought the government was supposed to prevent this. How could they let this happen to us? I thought our tax breaks protected us. We may have to winter in our summer home in upstate New York. Just the thought makes me shudder!"
Black leaders, naturally, are dubious of the damage. Rev. William Jones of the Canal Street Mission says, "We don't really believe this has happened until we see it. The thought of this happening to the aristocratic southern bougiouse is absurd. We know this storm is all racially motivated and I strongly suspect the government itself went into Audubon Park and caused damage just to hide the fact that the rich were protected."
Indeed, many have long suspected the government of spending millions on the Natural Disaster Defense Networks, a system that costs billions and is aimed at protecting the upper crust of society from such events. There is still however no proof the program really exists.
"Even if they were hit by the storm then of course they got cleaned up first," continued the Rev. Jones.
Mr. Beauregard could only respond in shock, "I agree it seems far fetched but we have suffered from this storm as well. We can only hope to make a quick recovery and get back on track with our lives in time for the ski season." He says as he sips a cocktail in his private helicopter on his way back to New Orleans.

Nation Mourns Dead, Gas Prices. -Washington Post
Associated Press- While the nation was still in mourning over the tragic loss of life during Katrina they were hit with yet another tragedy as well. Gas prices sky rocketed to above three dollars a gallon and in some places close to five. "I can't believe how horrible this is. All of those people died and paid the ultimate price and now here we are paying the ultimate price for gas. It may costs more to fuel up my Hummer then my vacation to Europe." Says Cindy Fox in Beverly Hills.
Many people do not know what to think. "It has really filled me with confusion, first I think the President invades Iraq for oil. Now we have a shortage and I'm mad at him for not doing enough to keep the oil flowing. As a blue state Liberal, I am very out of touch with my inner self." Adds Don Cervok in the Chesapeake Bay Area.
Down in the south they are feeling the pinch as well. "God obviously allowed this to happen for a reason. I think maybe it was his way of saying it's okay for me to skim on my tithe so I can afford my weekly Caramel Macchiato at Starbucks." Says Robert Bland of Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, TX. "I will be praying for everyone involved though and hopefully like Job, God will reward us for our suffering in the end." We can only hope He does.

Well those are some of my thoughts on the stupid hypocritical world of America, Katrina and fuel. Now for one more death in New Prussia. I really cannot believe all the great TV Star deaths taking place as of late, yet here is another one.

I even mentioned Get Smart in my last blog on Bob Denver and now Don Adams has passed away as well. This was another show of my youth. It combined my love of stupid comedy with my love of espionage and world domination. Who could forget that comical voice? The shoe phone? The bumbling run in's with the Chief, especially in the cone of silence? And of course who could forget the smoldering beautiful Agent 99, who somehow persevered through it all? Would you believe, nobody? I was surprised (although I should have been) to learn Mel Brooks produced the show. Regardless, Don Adams number, 86, was apparently up. Here to you 86, sorry about that Chief.

Anybody catch the two Get Smart phrases? It will be a very, very bad day in New Prussia if Adam West ever dies. BTW- They are making a Get Smart movie with Steve Carrell as Maxwell Smart, it could be funny or it could be chaos. We will see.
Well that is about it for now. I'll catch you later.

Katrina, Katrina, Katrina!

2005-09-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

It is 12:30 and I am listening to Whiskeytown right now. Well as per usual it has been a little while since my last blog but I think this is good because it keeps you on your toes. It seems we have had a major natural disaster occur lately and I have yet to comment on it. That's about to change. First though, are some quick hits.

Scottie: Well, in regards to your post on my last blog about Scottie from Star Trek, I reiterate that for what ever reason, Star Trek was not a huge influence on my formative years. I respect it's place in the Nerd Hall of Fame and I love the characters but I was not really into it as a kid. I think it was my parents protection realizing the serious social and romantic consequences that Star Trek could have upon people later in life, that kept me from it. That and the cheap special effects and lack of action. I am not sure my parents protection on my social and romantic life was sufficient though.

Spam on the Run: It appears the mysterious spammer has found my blog as well. I am now forced to, against my will, initiate the anti-spam verification. Sorry. Keep posting though because it does spur me on. ALSO, it has caused me to think of a great term for blogging Spam. I now call it BLAM. Blog+Spam, get it? There will be no blamming here please.

Disclaimer: If you read through all the next sections then you are truly a friend of New Prussia. It is a hunk of reading but I did add some humor at the end.

The Bad in New Orleans: Well first for the most serious stuff. As some of you may know, I led a mission trip to New Orleans last spring break. We worked with a homeless shelter, an HIV hospice and helped clean up a church. I am sure it is all ruined. I was greatly touched by the people to and the inner city we ministered in. Most were poor minorities or homeless, just the type that did not make it out. I have to wonder if any of them are still alive. I have to wonder if the church, which had recently been renovated, still exists. One of the girls on the trip and I had the privilege and honor of leading a semi-homeless guy named Cedric to Christ. He was down on his luck but trying to get back on his feet. That was on spring break and I wonder if it was the last call for him. Is he okay or will I only see him in eternity now? It is one thing to see the stuff on TV, to know it is happening. It is a strangely sad and surreal experience to see it happen, knowing it effected people you were trying to help just a few months ago.
Secondly, I have to wonder to myself, isn't this really just the beginning? Was not all of these horribly things and much, much more predicted in the Bible as time grows short in the world? 9-11, a Tsunami, five or six hurricanes in a row last year, now this one. A new famine in Africa and more flooding in China and other places as well. There are seismic tremblings and minor eruptions of St. Helens in Washington as well. "Wars and rumors of wars," so to speak. I do not mean to say I think the end is here or the rapture will happen within the next year or anything like that. I just mean it is only going to get worse. Think of the reputation New Orleans has. Not just the homosexuality and party mentality but also think of all the crime, the injustice, the crooked officials and cops, the mafia as well as all the crazy Voodoo and witchcraft practiced there. Does this not seem like judgment? I know it is not en vogue for Christians to say this and I know that this is not necessarily all judgment and God can do good things through this, but I can't help but think of the similarities here. I am staying well away from California for some time. I also think all this political grandstanding ticks me off and that leads me to the next point.

The Not as Bad: Now that I have paid some dues let me say a few things. I think all of this political stuff is a load of pig crap. It is definitly not what needs to happen right now. That being said, I will jump right in.

Federal Distress: We all know the government looked slow in this issue. First let me criticize the President. I support Bush for the most part, but I do think he made a few mistakes in the relief effort. I know he was meeting with advisors at his ranch and I know he was saddened by what was going on, BUT I think it was really stupid of him to stay at his ranch as long as he did, and I think it looked horrible. I can't see why he didn't jump on Air Force One and get back to Washington ASAP. He made a big mistake by not publicly taking more initiative sooner. Also as the head of the government the buck does stop with him, so technically he is to blame in a weird unfair kind of way and he did appoint the FEMA director. Yes, the President is not perfect and made a few mistakes but that was not what costs all those lives.

From what I gather, there were a few major errors made here. 1. FEMA and company thought their response systems were sufficient and they weren't. It was only when they find out they aren't that it is to late. Like if you are dehydrated, by the time you feel thirsty it is to late. As far as I can tell, the bulk of the blame should go to the Gov. and Mayor of Louisana. There are laws that prohibit the President from ordering troops into a city for relief. This is done to keep Presidents from becoming dictators and to protect freedom. What it takes is for the Gov. of the state to officially ask for help as well as sign some paper work. The storm hit Sunday night-Monday morning, the levee broke Tuesday, the paper work for help did not get signed until Wednesday. The GOVERNER did not ask for help until Wednesday? And people want to blame the president? Compare this to Mississippi, where albeit, the flooding was not as bad but certainly they were in need of help.. The Governor there called for help very early on and what happened? Help arrived in time and the whole mess in New Orleans did not happen there. I suppose people forget that side of it. Correct me if I am mistaken but I believe there are black people in Mississippi as well. Maybe Bush just hates the black people in New Orleans.
There are all sorts of other stories coming out as well. The Mayor and Gov. did not declare mandatory evacuations, nor did they use the city buses to transport people out. I have even read Bush called them the Friday before the storm hit and begged them to sign the necessary paper work but they would not do it for political reasons. What does the left want? Would they have prefered that the President break the law and send in troops without the proper legal authority? They already think he is a tyrant, is that what they want? Would they prefer it that way instead?
This taxing Levee issue is supposed to be Bush's fault as well. Did people want Bush to fly down there and stick his finger in the break to stop it? Apparently he did not approve funding for state projects that included levee repairs. That is balderdash. The truth is that the levee repairs have been on the books for decades now. At LEAST since the Reagan era if not longer. Why did they not get fixed or funded sooner? Let's look at some reason. For a long time LA refused to raise their legal drinking age to 21, because they would not do this, they got very little federal aid for projects and what aid they did get went mainly to highway maintenece, not levee's. So you can blame the crappy LA government for that. Back during the Clinton years they got funding for projects as well. Where did that money go? It has now come out that a lot of it went to, instead of levee's, building a Marina to support ships?...no...off shore refineries or drilling rigs? no.....hmm where could that money have gone...oh I know, Riverboat Casino's. Yes, it seems a lot of the money for levee's and other work was redirected to help support Riverboat gambling. Let's have a BIG round of applause for the notoriously corrupt state of LA. I could go on and on about this and write pages. I am blown away by the stupidity of people at times.

ABC-Disaster Company: Did anyone see the ABC special the other night on potential disasters in the U.S.A and how we are not ready for them. It made me sick to see them sensationalizing all of this. Their was an earthquake in San Francisco and a plague and nuclear explosion in New York. They simulated these things and showed how unprepared the Government was. Let me see....I think there is word for these kinds of things. Oh yeah, they are called disasters! Of course you can't be prepared for them. You can do the best you can and certainly we can do better, but no one will every be able to be fully prepared for these things. Not for millions of people.

That being said, here are some other probable disasters that the U.S.A. would not be prepared for and that would also, inevitably be George Bush's fault. I have also listed possible course's of action to prevent these things.

-All the bears in North America descend upon Seattle in post-hibernation hunger. This can be prevented by hunting all bears to extinction. Even the Chicago bears.

-Vikings raid the northeast coast, raping and pillaging everything along their paths. In a gross oversight FEMA has absolutely no Viking Invasion Contingency Plan. The best defense is a good offense, invade Scandinavia now OR summon the legendary return of King Arthur and his round table to unify the states and ward off the evil aggressors.

-Disco makes a huge comeback. This might be the scariest disaster of all. It made a mild comeback a few years ago but was avoided for the most part. Next time we may not be so lucky. If it does start to happen the best thing to do is play plenty of Led Zepplin and Rolling Stones as loud and as long as possible. (Note: if New Kids on the Block comeback then it is all over.)

-Atlas gets tired of holding up the earth and throws it off his shoulders. The best plan here it to keep Atlas very happy and content and feed him lots of Campbell's Chunky Beef Soup. (I could not think of anything better then this. Sorry)

-George Bush meets with wizards and summons a giant meteor to hit the earth and split it open. The best action here is, as long as we time the split right, to let it hit, separating the Eastern Hemisphere from us forever. I mean, isn't the Eastern Hemisphere really more trouble then it is worth? Actually the best thing to do is to let the meteor hit the EU.

-Giant squids crawl out from the ocean and devour all in their path. Answer-Operation Calamari, involving government funded openings of thousands of Sushi bars throughout the world.

Well, this is at the top of the list of likely events. There are many other such as alien invasions, vampire prince appearances, and Magneto's return to earth, but the list is just to long. The important thing to remember is that whatever happens, Don't Panic. Cheers.

P.S. Maybe for my next blog, I will have an interview with a real live disaster relief expert and FEMA analyst, my hero Andrew McMahan. He knows everything about disaster planning. After all, he went to Africa and he can tell you, the battle is real!

More Deaths In New Prussia.

2005-09-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, it is Thursday at 3:30 and I have Iron and Wine stuck in my head.

Well it would appear that yet another Friend of New Prussia has passed into the great beyond. This means that either A) I am getting really old or B.) I watched nothing but reruns of old, often bad TV shows when I was a kid. I can say that this one is probably the most devastating of all. Even more so then the venerable Doc Baker. This person was truly a profound influence on my younger, more impressionable years, and I'm sure that explains something. His name was Bob Denver but you may know him more as this man.

That's right, GIIILLIIIGGANNN! Has passed into the great island shipwreck in the sky. I suppose he is reunited with the Skipper, who died several years ago. Now their silly antics can entertain in the afterlife as they drive around in little bamboo cars and the Skipper can hit his "Little buddy" with his hat as he messes up for eternity.
I used to watch Gilligan religiously during the summer. Every morning the reruns would be on and me and my brother would be glued to the TV. It was usually followed or preceded by Batman and followed by Get Smart, Hogan's Heroes or Gomer Pyle. I loved them all. I especially loved Ginger whom I think I had a perennial crush on, highlighted by the occasional fling with Mary Ann. Who couldn't help but love the misshapen crew of seven castaways? The Professors genius, the eccentric Howells, the Skipper who put up with so much, and best of all Gilligan, with his fishing hat and red Rugby shirt. Don't forget the splendid theme song that everybody loves as well. I do not remember the band who performed it but I do know it was their only hit. Imagine going on tour as a band and the audience calling out for the theme song to Gilligan's Island. Now you know how the band that wrote the them to Friends feel. It was such an influence that in school we even sang Amazing Grace to the tune of Gilligan's Island...try it for yourself. You will see it works and you'll probably enjoy it as well. (On a slightly different note, try singing Lord I Lift Your Name on High, to the tune of The Joker, by the Steve Miller Band. It works as well.)
This was the show that my mom would use on family vacations to tell us how much travel time we had left. We would ask, "How much longer until we are there?" she would then reply, "three Gilligan's Islands" to help us youngsters grasp time a little better. So heres to you Little Buddy, New Prussia salutes you.
BTW- For a trivia question, does anyone know the name of the Skipper's character? Not his real name but the character...he had another name besides Skipper.

A Weird Word - On another note, I have recently realized how the word weird lives up to its own meaning. Think of this, back in grammar school, what is the rule they always teach you? I before E, except after C. So look at the spelling of weird. I fail to see a C in there but I do see an E before I. I suppose it is only appropriate given the meaning of the word.

Katrina- I should have some good Katrina talk coming soon.

The Old Ladies Network- I have decided, at least during the day, that the Hallmark Channel is the old ladies channel. I was watching a rerun of Little House on the Prairie with a roommate on Hallmark the other day and saw adds for nothing but old lady stuff. There was the usual Depends commercials, but also some strange bladder control underwear for women. Not only that but I learned about multiple ways to keep my skin soft and fresh and how to prevent wrinkles. I also learned which Yogurts were the best for my diet. I suppose that is what I get for watching Little House reruns. It wasn't even a Doc Baker episode.

Well I better go, I will leave you with the most expensive picture of me ever taken. It cots roughly 25,000 or so. It is of me posing at graduation as I try and figure out what to do next. Later.

Graduation Day.

2005-08-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

Well, last week I graduated so I took a week off from blogging. Also for the first time since I started this blog I don' t think I have a song in my head. Anyways, getting through college is probably one of the most difficult things I have ever done. The next greatest thing I will ever do is pay off my debt. Seriously though, with all the battles with depression and stuff along the way, I thought I would never get there, but God has been extremely faithful and good to me and I now write to you as an official graduate of the University of North Texas. To think I was only .3 decimals away from graduating with honors! Oh well, better luck next time.

I also noticed all of the honors students and graduate students got to wear all sorts of cool ribbons and tassels and things around their necks. Some red, some green, some who knows what colour. I had a really funny thought that I should wear a red and yellow House Griffendorf scarf from Harry Potter when I walked across stage. I think it would have gone over really well.

One more thing that needs discussion. The guest speaker, some guy that set up the Arts and Sciences advising office, gave the opening speech. Then we had to sing Auld Lang, or whatever it is called, and he asked us to do the gayest thing ever. (By gay I don't mean homosexual. I mean gay as in, not cool or very un-guy like.) He asked that on the last verse of the song, we all cross arms and hold hands with the people next to us and sway back and forth. Most of the people did, albeit looking around sheepishly while they did so. I, however, was on the history aisle, which was all guys. We merely looked at each other with a look that said "there is not a snowball's chance in hell I am doing this." So we all just stood there thinking how ridiculous it all looked. Despite our aloof demeanor it was still better then performing the bizarre ritual. It was like something out of the cheesy Dawson McAllister conferences I went to in Junior High.

We had a party later that night and everyone made predictions of where I would be in the future. Only one had me married. My brother and two of my really good friends growing up came to town. We had a blast hanging out, just like old times, and took some really weird pictures as well. My friend Nicole got to witness a very different side of me. Amber, in regards to your post, next time I graduate I will invite you to my party.

That being said, I have a history degree. What can you do with a history degree? Here are some of the most common things.

-Make history.
-Rewrite history to fit your own skewed view of the world.
-Make a paper airplane out of it.
-Be bitter about why you didn't choose a more lucrative degree.
-Hit on chicks with lines like "If Henry the 8th saw you, he would have never committed murder or been divorced" or "you're as beautiful and priceless as a Ming Dynasty vase," or even "Yeah, I took a class on the history of romance, you want me to show you what I learned?"
-Make a paper boat out of it.
-Argue over the exact location of the Mason-Dixon
-Annoy others on vacation with you as fill their heads with useless anecdotes about every location you visit.

Well, that's just a short list of the many things you can do with this versatile degree.

I better go. Just a quick update. Maybe I'll post some graduation pics later.

P.S. For those of you who don't know, I wasn't even close to graduating with honors. Instead of .3 away it was more like 3.0 away.

The Most Serious Entry Since......Well, My First One

2005-08-10T22:28:00.000-07:00

I currently have no song stuck in my head since I am listening to Damien Rice and he fills my head instead. And now for some darkness.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you have been following, you may know I have been trying to move to New York. That is now no longer the case. I repeat, New York is a no go. Nadda, zilch, not gonna happen, the big zero, negatory, nyet, and other negative words. Notwithstanding a miracle anyways. So don't ask if I'm still planning on going, and this really leaves me with nothing.

So much for dreaming big, taking risks, not settling for a mundane life and all that other crap. (I know this doesn't mean I will have a mundane life, I just mean for now.) I can wax some eloquent blasphemy on my thoughts about prayer and God and His will and all right now but I guess I won't. So where does this leave me? Stuck in piss-ant Denton.I feel as though, at this moment, I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Sure, there exists vague, murky promises of potential relationships someday, moving off someday, doing something someday. But that is all in the cloudy and obscure specter of someday. What now? I had nothing else planned.

I could move to Dallas. Whoopee. In fact, I am interviewing for a job soon. If I get this job it will be better to stay here in Denton. So Dallas is out of the question right now. I am in Denton...sweet Moses that's exciting.
I spent the last six months deliberately not meeting girls because I figured I would be moving off. Nice thought. I have also spent the last 5 years in Denton and we see how that has turned out.
I have no money from not working most of the summer. I have no car because mine was destroyed. Yes I have family and friends here. God would provide friends wherever I go though.
So now the question is, did I bring this on myself. I tried to find a job all summer but it didn't happen. Did I not try hard enough? Was I to lazy? There must have been somewhere I could have worked. Was it Proverbs, " A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands, and poverty will come on you like a bandit, scarcity like a armed man?" Or was this God's way of keeping me from going up to NY and making some mistake? I tend to always lean to the argument that blames me. Of course, I would blame myself for Pearl Harbor if I could.

So now where do I go and what do I do? I am graduating on Saturday, with a degree in history when I think I want to do something in media. (Actually I think all I want to do is write.) And like I said, I feel I have nothing to look forward to. This is supposed to be a fun and exciting time in life but instead it is just depressing and anxiety producing and in the end it just isn't worth it. Screw it all.

I know there are verses in the Bible about God's plans and all. Spare me the references. And while your at it, spare me the sentimental encouraging BS as well. To sum it all up, here are some pictures by Goya, one of my favourite artists, to describe how I feel.

Well, you get the picture. At least football season is almost here.

Speaking of Dreams: I had a really strange dream the other night. I dreamed I was a country music star that really wanted to be a rock star. I was in a concert wearing tight jeans, a hat and a Garth shirt. As the concert progressed I kept trying to play more and more rock on my guitar instead of country. I tried to sneak it in, so to speak. The audience wouldn't go for it though. It was weird.

Anyway, I know things aren't as bad as I think they are. I just wanted to get it out. See you at the party Saturday, I'm sure I'll be feeling better by then.

These Old Bones...

2005-08-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. First of all, I have Everlong, by the Foo Fighters stuck in my head for some wierd reason. Secondly, I went horseback riding last weekend with a friend of mine. Here is a pick of me pretending to be an urban cowboy. The horse was named T.J. and I decided that wasn't Czar-ish enough so I said T.J. stood for Tyberious Jupiter.
I also had the urge to pretend I was a Rohirium in the Lord of the Rings, charging down Orcs at the Battle of Pelanor Fields, brandishing my sword and performing deeds that would be sung of for ages. Then I also pictured myself charging down French soldiers instead and laughed as they fled in horror before me, which was just as amusing to me. At that point my horse really did start to gallup and I nearly wet myself as reality set in. It was fun none the less.

I wish to say that lately I have noticed a very strange thing happening to me. I have been getting old. How do I know this you may ask? Well, keep reading for I present to you...

Top Reasons You Know Your Getting Old.

1. It is Friday or Saturday night and you have absolutely nothing to do but stay home and play video games or read- and you don't really care anymore, you are perfectly fine with this.

2. You can no longer stay out past midnight without being exhausted the next day. In fact you begin to shun events that would keep you out past midnight and even make up lame excuses to your younger friends.

3. Your bowels have declared a Jihad on you. Enough said.

4. You meet a girl and think, "she is probably to young for me", and she turns out to be 22.

5. You throw a party and don't really care who shows up anymore. None of this, "who is going to be there?" or "what are we going to watch?" you just have fun with whomever shows up.

6. You are slowly but surely going bald. I hope this only applies to guys.

7. You no longer like any stations on the radio except Talk Radio, KLUV, or Sunny 97.

8. You get your but kicked by Junior highers playing Halo 2.

9. You find yourself needing exercise just to create energy.

10. You forget things a lot easier and can't think of good items to finish off your list you make on your blog.

These are all things I more or less have experienced to some degree. So I must face the music that I am getting old. In fact, the big 30 is just around the corner and I am near the home stretch. With all the bowel aches, head aches, allergies and whatever else I might have by the time I marry, I should just open a gift registry at the local pharmacy. I will probably be so old that instead of throwing rice on the way out you can just throw Viagra. You can also decorate my walker instead of my car.

Moving On: Two more notable deaths in the last couple of weeks.

1. Gen. Westmoreland passed away on July 18th, 2005. For those of you who care, he was the General in charge of the U.S. Military in Vietnam up through 1968, when he stepped down. The whole mess of Vietnam is generally not considered his fault. He now joins the 60,000 American soldiers who died in the fighting.

2. James Doohan, i.e. "Scotty" from Star Trek passed away on July 20th. Now, I have a few things to say about this. First of all I feel that he has had an indirect influence on my life. I was never a Star Trek fan growing up, except for the movies. I still remember my Dad taking me and brother, along with our friends across the street, to see Star Trek 2, the Wrath of Khan, when it came out. But being as big of a Sci-Fi lover as I am, I have to give Star Trek it place in the Sci-Fi Hall of Fame. Also many of my good friends were/are Trekies so I feel that he has been of some influence on me, even if indirectly. Besides, who couldn't admire the likes of James Kirk, Spock, Bones , and Scotty and the rest? Ironically enough Scotty was not Scottish. For his funeral his casket was launched into space from the Photon Torpedo bay of a spaceship. (Pop quiz...anyone know what movie that is from?)

Well that's about it for now. I declare this my nerdiest blog to date, I better rein it in. It's almost eleven so I better go to bed soon, getting old you know.

A Mighty Wind Doth Bloweth

2005-07-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Dennis just hit the Florida panhandle a few weeks ago. Now Emily just got done in Mexico. It seems to me every headline I see about hurricanes uses the terms hammers, slams or devastates whatever unfortunate land mass it hits and quite frankly, I am tired of it. I think the fact that it is a hurricane pretty much implies the fact it is hammering or slamming into something. I believe it is time for the media to be more creative with their verb usage as well as be more culturally relevant. That being said I have come up with a list of words I think would be much better. Picture these in the news.

-Hurricane Denzel Pimp Slaps Miami.
-Puerto Rico Just Got Served By Hurricane Esmeralda.
-Hurricane Bubba Opens Up A Can of Whoop On Mobile Alabama.
-Hurricane Fidel Is Hatin' On Key Largo.
-Hurricane Heather Tears Jamaica A New One.
-Hurricane Ferguson Ridicules Atlantic Coast.
-Hurricane Basil Gives Charleston the Old What-For.

Well you get the idea. That's probably enough for now. I could throw in some more random words to such as keeps it real, marinates, deep fry's, screws over, goes to town, owns or apologizes.
That being said, hammered and slammed are perfectly acceptable adjectives if you're referring to the effects of the alcoholic kind of Hurricanes.

On a slightly different note I think they need to change the names of hurricanes. They start with letter A every year and alternate male and female names. That is fine. What isn't fine is that most names don't live up to the storms hype. I mean, does Emily, Allison, Charlie or Dennis really sound like an all powerful storm? I think not. This is why we need to change them to more appropriate names. I move all Hurricanes be given German or Norse names. Like this.
- Adolf, Bjorn, Carsten, Dirk, Eva, Frigga, Gretchen, Hallerna..etc.
See how much better those sound? Of course you would have jump ahead a few and add Ragnor, Sven and Thor. Hurricane Thor just sounds cool.

Alternately, and this is the more likely scenario, they could license out naming rights to celebrities or corporations, much like stadiums do.

- Hurricane Dale Earnhart Crashes Into Tallahasse.
- Hurricane Home Improvement Cause For Massive Repairs.
- Hurricane Bacardi Rum Parties in Cancun.
- Hurricane Prozac Reduced to Tropical Depression.
- Hurricane W.C.W. Smacks Down Myrtle Beach.

Well that is probably all I can really think of right now. Merry Christmas.

P.S. I might add a picture to this later on.

I issue an apology- and Czar's don't apologize often.

2005-07-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Ok...it is painfully obvious to me that I am behind on my blogs. Does this make me a bad blogger? Yes. Does this make me an evil and disgusting person? Probably. Anyway, I attribute this to three or so factors. 1. Sears- I have a part time job at Sears right now and every evening when I leave my internship I go in for training. This is normally the time I would blog. 2. Life-I am trying to get my resume and other official stuff together-more time I would normally blog. 3. Settlers of Catan Online- ok...I am addicted to this little game. Every evening I turn on my computer only to find one of my friends online offering to play against me. How can I resist? 4. Social Life- Ok..my social life is somewhat suspect but it has taken its toll. For instance, I was busy every night this weekend with stuff going on. I guess this all goes to say that I have been pretty busy lately and my blogs take time. Especially if I photoshop something etc. I will do my best to have one soon. I am not going to bother proofing this entry so get over any mistakes in it.

PS. I have also found that just keeping up with everyone else's blogs has taken a lot of time as well. I am now trying to read 7 or 8 of them.

A Friend of New Prussia Dies...

2005-07-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen.
I wish that the posting of this entry was under a more joyous occasion but alas it was not meant to be. Normally I would wait a week before posting a new entryso soon (please see my P Diddy entry below this one. It is worth checking out.) but a most unfortunate event has occurred that leaves my heart wounded. For you see, a good friend of New Prussia, a fighter in our cause, Dr. Hiram Baker, from Little House on the Prairie, has passed away on this 12th of July 2005. I find it ironic that only a couple of weeks ago I was reminiscing fondly of Little House and now I found myself reeling from the sorrow. To me Dr. Baker was always an inspiration, a sort of grandfather figure to look up to. With his kind, reassuring smile, and every day wisdom, you know that if he said, "You'll be ok" then you would be ok. If he said "this will only hurt a little" then you knew it would only hurt a little.
I mean who couldn't admire somebody who was so wise as to say "Wood warms a man twice. Once when you chop it, and again when you burn it."
I think the best part about Doc Baker was that he was always willing to take whatever payment was available for his services. I always remembered thinking how cool it would be to be able to trade eggs in for such services. I also remembered how I thought it was strange that the brown eggs were worth more. I longed to go out west somewhere where I could partake in the barter and trade sytsem rather then be subject to capitalist enslavement. I recall being so disappointed and bitter when I found out it was no longer possible and only a hoax.
Well, so long doc, I'll be sure and catch you on the reruns. Doc Baker died at age 77, due to the malaria he caught from the swamps that the Lost Indian Tribe brought him to when they kidnapped him while he was out working in the fields after the volcanic eruption near Mr. Edwards house destroyed all the crops for the year.
Jefferson

P.S. Now if we can just get that little Jezebel Nellie Olson to bite it.

Czar and Away vol. 2

2005-07-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

Greetings everyone.
There are at least two note worthy things that happened over last weekend. It seems that Robert Kraft, owner of the Kraft food conglomerate and owner of the New England Patriots gave his 2005 Super Bowl ring to Russian President Vladimir Putin. This has caused much international intrigue as many suspect that Putin took the ring thinking it was a gift when Kraft may have only been showing him the ring. However, in the interest of world peace, Kraft graciously admitted he was giving the ring to Putin out of admiration. We will never know if this is true or not but Kraft does have two other rings and he will probably end up with more. Fortunately this avoided a serious conflict as NFL forces everywhere were being mobilized for action in Russia. Special Teams, the elite forces of the NFL, were already rumored to be on the ground near Kiev and the Oakland Raiders were gearing up for an all out invasion. This would not be the first time odd things have been found in Putin's pockets. Here is a look at many of the other items found pilfered on his person.

-Several French and U.N. diplomats.
-Kraft's Macaroni and Cheese as well.
-P Diddy's Bling Bling. (see picture)
-A piece of low grade plutonium.
-The Maltese Falcon.
-Bribe from Russian mob.
-8 Track of Abba's Greatest Hits.
-Key to Russian National Cabbage Supply Vault.
-Michael Jackson's original nose.
-Charm bracelet with Hello Kitty Charms.
- Set of 20 sided Dungeon's and Dragon's dice.
-Plans for the next botched Chechynain rebel hostage release.
-Map to a Moscow Discotheque.

This week in History: The 4th of July is not only important as the birth of our nation but it also marks two very important other events as well.

-July 1-3, 1863. This was the three days of fighting at the Battle of Gettysburg. On the 4th Gen. Lee decided he could not fight any longer and began his retreat. It was the strongest army Lee would ever have and the last offensive the Confederacy would mount.

July 4th, 1863. Another crushing blow to the South. The city of Vicksburg surrendered on this day after being besieged for several months. It split the South in half and effectively gave the Union control of the Mississippi as well opening up new trade and supply routes on the river for the North. As you can see, July 4th, 1863 was not a good time for the South.

I went and saw Eisley with my brother last night. It was a good show and chicks with guitars can be pretty hot. It was funny, a band called Pilot Drift opened for them and turns out I had met the lead singer of the band before. He went to dinner with me and some friends sometime ago and I had forgotten about it. It was a friend of a friend kind of thing.

Well I am tired now and trying to get the photo posted took forever and I still haven't gotten in the right spot. Good Night.

Czar and Away

2005-06-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

Czar and Away.

This might just be the new name for Memo's from the Czar. As my good friend Oakton Andy has suggested in his previous post. I will try it out and see. It is sort of a quick hits section as well.

First of all, I have 1979 by Smashing Pumpkins stuck in my head. As I have reflected upon this band over the weekend, I have remembered just what a great group they really were. I have also reflected upon how their namesake reminds of one of my favorite activities I was involved in one year around Halloween. Enough said.

Cont'd from last post: Your Comments on my last entry have inspired me. I give you another reality TV show based on Kelly's comment. (I do not know how long this next part will be up so read it while you can. It may be removed if to offensive, I certainly don't mean for it to be.)

This show would be based on Midgets. I am not sure if it would be a reality show or a mock reality show. Anyways, we would build a house or even a small town for midgets to live in. The catch is, we would build to their size NOT a normal persons size. Then we would find a person with normal height and get them to live in the midget world for a week or two. I know this show would be a hit and while it sounds mean on the surface, it really does sound like something the networks would do. Have you seen the Surreal World? Of course, the name of the show would have to be Smallville.

PS: For a theme song you could take the theme from Gidget and substitute the word midget.

Dog the Bounty Hunter: I stumbled upon this reality show the other day. It is about this Bail Bondsman in Hawaii that hunts down people who skip bail and arrests them. This guy is over the top. I want to see a show about a real bounty hunter though. Like Bobba Fett, who has armor and a flame thrower and fly's around blasting people.

From the Prussian "Free" Artisan League: This a brief review of the movie Bewitched, which I saw for free the other night. Simply put, I am glad it was free. I had reasonable hope going into this movie. After all, it had Will Ferrall, Nicole Kidman, Michael Caine, Jason Schwartzman and Steve Caral in it. Nicole Kidman looked about as cute as you could imagine but Will Ferrall looked as lost as you could imagine. His humor seemed old hat and he seemed to struggle with what to do really do to be funny. It had it's moments of course but save it for a rental from Payless at best. Also, as interesting anecedote, my parents never allowed me to watch the TV show as a kid, but I somehow still ended up playing Dungeons & Dragons. They should have just let me watch it anyway.

H.P. Lovecraft: Also I have started reading H.P. Lovecraft. An early 20th century Sci-fi/Horrer writer, most noted for the cult classic, The Call of Cthulu, as well as creating the Necronomican. (See Army of Darkness and other weird tales.) I hope to post some quotes by him because he is a brilliant writer and has a very interesting way of looking at things. Ways I can relate to. He also loved cats.

New York: Most of you know by now that I am considering moving to New York City. So I am taking a public opinion poll. What do you think? Should I stay or should I go? I am open to other suggestions of where to go as well so long as you don't tell me to to the place of fire and brimstone.

Tomorrow I'm sending of my first manuscript to a contest for publication. I'm really excited about it and it gives me a really good feeling to do so. It is the sort of feeling that says your doing something you were meant to do. Will I win or lose? I have no clue, but I am none the less excited. Pray for that if you think about it. Ironically enough I am sending it to the L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future Contest. Maybe Tom Cruise will read it and star in a movie about it. Better yet he will read it, introduce me to Katie Holmes and she will introduce me James Van Der Beek and I can get his autograph. I would then hang it in my room.

Well, I suppose that is it for now. I really enjoy everyone's responses and whatnot. The posts are almost a blog in and of themselves. I love you all like you were my very own illegitimate children. Good night.

Memo's from the Czar vol 1

2005-06-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

This is a new section I created. I have named it this for now but it is subject to change. Any ideas for a better name? It really consists of random thoughts and ideas that come to me every now and then. Some are funny, some are in response to your comments on my posts (Yes you inspire me), some are just quick hits on the world around me. So without further delay I give you Memo's from the Czar vol 1.

First, I have Don't Stop Believing, by Journey stuck in my head.

Little House: Faith mentioned "Little House on the Prairie" in response to my last blog. I used to love that show as a kid. However, we always called it "Little Tragedy on the Prairie" because every episode had something new and horrible happen. If it wasn't a tornado it was a plague, followed by fire and then a flood. Then the locust swarm would make an appearance and destroy the crops and if not them then a swarm of fire fly's would, but not before bandits came and threatened the town. Mary went blind at least three different times I think. Later on aliens abducted cattle and a rift into another dimension opened and the tortured souls of the warp spewed forth, but it turns out they came forth to help fight the zombie hordes, so they were good. At one point the Olsen's make an all powerful ring to rule the town but with the help of the wood Elves Laura destroyed it before it was to late. There was even an episode where Albert forms a Goth band and "done went crazy." Fortunately the Ninja's from the Burning Tiger Fist who were hiding in the Chinese railroad labor camps came and saved him from the evils of Rock 'N Roll. I really don't see how anyone survived back then. I was also always annoyed at the intro scene when they run down the hill and the one little girl always falls down. Learn to walk already! I also had a secret crush on one of the characters but I won' say which. It was a female however, so no Willy Olson.

Danica Patrick: The world of racing now has a female driver, Danica Patrick. What I want to know is if her insurance is lower then the male drivers insurance. Also, (warning: this is a female driver joke) I think racecar driving is a great career for women because they can only turn one way so they can't get lost.

Reality TV: Ok reality TV is obviously not reality. When was the last time you were stranded on a desert island left with only a film crew? And I sure as heck can't remember anytime I had a panel of babes trying to get me to pick them to go out on a date. They have shows out I didn't even know existed. Such as Dancing with the Stars and The Cut. That being said I have a few shows of my own. Here they are:

Beer Factor: Follows a fraternity around and sees how many beers it takes for them to perform certain acts. Like jumping off roofs and trying to hip hop dance.

Real Desperate Housewives:This show examines the crazy antics of middle aged housewives with nothing to do but watch Oprah. Watch them watch day time TV and follow them as they go yard art hunting. Be thrilled as you see them on the weekends go to craft shows and buy little angels and objects shaped like Texas to hang on their walls.

The OC-D: This could be the real fear factor, as eight contestants with one of my favorite disorders, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, are forced to live in a run down, dirty, dingy house with no automatic dishwashers and insects in the walls. See them as they try and open bathroom doors without the use of hands or watch them squirm as they have to wash dishes the old fashioned way. The last one to make it without going crazy wins.

"Just Friends": This show follows the love lives of five college students who are pursuing girls way out of their leagues. Laugh as their tender and frail hearts are ripped out and stopped on in a "your a nice guy but..." kind of way. Partially autobiographical. (This show could also be about any guy in college life interested in a girl.)

American Idle: This modern documentary follows the lives of middle aged, overweight couch potatoes. Watch these fine American men as they watch TV, eat chips, play video games, ignore their families (the two who are married) and otherwise waste the lives they are given while they sit around and wait for the heart attack they are inducing to occur.

The Apprentice: This show follows the dramatic story of a young Dark Jedi trying desperately to live up to his indomitable Sith Masters demands. See him snivel as he is berated.

"D" is for Didn't Win: This show follows the life of John Kerry after the 2004 presidential elections. As well the recent discovery of his below average grades in college.

That's all for now. I know this is the tip of the iceberg and I expect Korey to go to town with this.
Later gang.

Crazy about Katie

2005-06-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

Well, the weekend has passed and I am a day late on a new blog. Please forgive me if you can ever find it in your heart to do so. That being said, here is what's on my mind.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. How can they not be on my mind? They are everywhere after all, and while I certainly don't mind seeing images of Katie Holmes, I think I'm already getting tired of the hoopla. In all honesty, how much of this goo-goo gaga twiterpation are we going to have to endure? You do know how they got together right? Tom Cruise just had his agent call her agent and set up an appointment and now they are in love. Man, that's a good hook up, and I thought Equally Yoked or Eharmony was the way to go.
I simply don't understand the fascination and the truth be known, down right worship, that society has for celebrities. It's a very real American Idol. People get so caught up in what actor is dating what actress and how romantic it is. I figure they must do it to avoid the reality of their own failing lives and meaningless existence's, an escape so to speak. It's ok if your mom's a drunk and your dad beats her and they are splitting up and you will have hurts that will probably never heal. It's all good as long as Tom Cruise is with Katie Holmes, or Brad Pitt is happy again now that Jennifer Anniston is gone.
For me personally, one of the most trying times in my life was when Ben Afleck and J-Lo were together. I had to have Valium prescribed just to keep me going. I was so worried about their constant break ups, and I blame them for my three D's in Algebra. How could I concentrate? Thank goodness Ben is now with that nice Garner girl. All is right in the world and I can rest easy, at least for now, which is what I'm going to do. Good night.

PS> Next blog I will probably take on either A.) Scientology or B.) Michael Jackson

From the Front

2005-06-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have discovered this new cutting edge bit of pop culture called a block, so I thought I would be one of the first to have one. I can only hope they take off. Seriously though, this may very well qualify as the trendiest thing I have ever done since buying those pair of Z Cavaricci's back in junior high.
It must be said that, in all honesty, it is currently unknown to me what form this blog will take. Will I wax eloquently or merely spew forth useless words? Will it be intellectual or just a bunch of poppycock. ( I do love to rant) I do not know, but I breathlessly wait to find out. However, I can guarantee you that it will most likely be very dark at times.
I call it Letters from the Front because in a sense, life is a war with theatres of action that extend from the mental, spiritual and emotional realms all the way into the heart of the physical realm as well. It is this war of sorts that inspires me to write in my feeble attempts to organize and sort life out, as well as just make fun of it.
So it is with much excitement that I give you this blog. I suspect that sooner rather then later I will find the confines of this blog to limiting and draw up some ideas for my own website but until then this will suffice. Well it is late and now time for me to go to bed so I wish you all a good night and I will write more later.

R. Jefferson Jordan